i have to tallk about the love hate relationshiip battle i have been fighting with MSG also known as Monosodium Glutamate....a common flavor enhancer often found inb chinese food used to achieve the "umami" taste. recently my appetite has been at an all time low but whenever i've been at my lowest, food with msg has been there to drag me down FURTHER... literally every single food i think tastes good ends up having msg. my favorite pretzels i recetly found have msg. honestly im so stupid for not realizing im just so used to stuff going wrong that i didnt think to check or notice a pattern because Erratic health. my llast msg breakup ended with gross warnng!! getting up at 2am and throwibg up soo mucg i clogged the sink. no im not a sink thrower upper i just Couldnt make it in time ...like an addict, that was the wakeup. call i needed because all the horrors it caused me before were not enouigh. i kept coming back to my beloved Baby star crunchy snack original flavor. and now i fear im hooked on Dots original homestyle pretzel twists originall flavor. THEY ARE SO GOOD THEY GIVE ME HOPE IM SOim so mad everything on this earth i ever wanted to eat is LITERALLLY POISONOUS. what do you mean a pretzel twist will give me a migraine and stomach ache. everything is wrong on this cruel earth

its for real so hard to keep track of every single thing that will make me worse...like these foods and these food smells and this barometric pressure and rain and these specific thoughts ad blablabla shut up

i knowww the solution to my Mjaorfatigue sleepy tired is probably quitting one of my medicine but guys i think i will actually die without it. My options are be so tired i cant Move across my own room or be so depressed i also cant leave my room or do anything i still think the seccond option is worse but why cant i have both...please patch this in next update

i waqs hopig for new people at my school this year but same old people except LESS because all of my friends graduated boooo its ok i have 3 classes i just get so bored without people to be Entertained by...boring af...no one cool or awesome

imworking on a new music page guys i really hate it so far..i made it in th blog format becase i wanted 2 give in depth yap about my favoirte songs and WHY .....

anyways the oother day i saw the most horrible things i have ever seen in my life but it didnt botger me which is really weird and offputting because it should have made me upset idk!! idk my brain chemicals

okk thats all i think...i have to go to the phoospital on Monday but the arent doing anything so idk why...byebye

update sstill zombuy...i dont knoow hwp its sos possible to feel im dying with nothing actively hurting i just dont feel like anything is happening i cant feel alive all ritalin does is make my heartrate rise and thats it, i dotn feel alive thre is nothing i want to do any more...medicine doesnt work i dont feel anything i need to be hit with blunt hammerstoo regain consciousness. im stillbsleeping i feel crazy !!!when i have ritalin now it makes me aware of my heart moore so it feels like my heartbeat is swimming in nothing attached to ny vision and my head!!

schol started its fine ok bye!!

back in my zombie era i habent felt a shred of energy or life in m body for the past 3 years...i need my doctor to stop actually being stupid and not answering myquestions first it was "you dont get enough slleep then it was "yuo actually sleep wa too much" except i get a regular and very healthy amount of sleep during school days??i have tried every possible combination no sleep, 3 hours, 5 hours, every kimd and im still too exhausted t move. please give me an actual solution pretty pllease....plls help me!!!

doing something simple feels llike utterly monumental i hate being so dysfunctional i can barely even get up with out layig on the ground and falling asleep i honestly think dying would be better than this i cant follow basic instructions and i dont think i will ever be a useful person in any capacity. the mere idea of completing a task fills me with actual slleep chemicals so bad i feel like i'lll pass out and i cant even stand up for that long without getting so shaky and sore that i get irritable and mad and shut down

im acctually so tired i cant even indulge in my latest unheallthy addictions that will have future reprecussions but for now are probably fine. at least its nto bad im just canteveen do anything any more

healp i just got braces.. im totally fine rn but i cant eat whivh is a problem because icant afford to loseweight rn low key. im still watching arrested development and trying to eat a load of ice crea,

bro my dad is SUCHHHH A BABY...hes literally a baby. he has not matured emotionally past the age of 9. wtf is wrong with him i cant have a single conversation wihtout him getting all booho and playng the victim over LITERALLY NOTHING and then refusing to talk to me or say any words other than "i guess....no one CARES WHAT I HAVE TO SAY...;" stfu you grown man i was talking to oyou about BEN AND JERRYS and he is trying to play these games. god damn grow up its ridiculous and sickening because hes so muc bigger than i am and yet his brain is seemingly less developed. i think people should be the size of their brains so that idiots arent able to overpower children. i cant wait until im an adult and i can tell him to his face what i think of him

i eas gonna writ emore but im bored BYEEE

fyi this post is just boring medical oversharing ermm

i figrued out why im so sleepy...all hrte time...it is called intrusive sleep and is a less common side effect of adhd. i am so glad i rread about it. it means as soon as im uninterested or rbecome slightly disengaged in somethin i get flooded with extreme drowsiness and my nervous system starts shutting down literally. so its a real tthing wow....my PT ttold me i sleep too much and thats why im too tired duing school days. i have tried every possible amount of sleep frrom none to more than i shoould have and im always tired it doesnst matter. 9 hours (reccomended 4 me) during school and im still passing out in every class i cant help it!!

pt makes me feel sooo hopeless but its fine im relaxing at home i just hate being tired dtheres a million things i want to do every second and im so slow and i cant move or think

they renamed NVLD to something else i forgot...i cant rememver all the letters but it now has a clearer definition. i wish i didnt have so many things i low key hate it

to end on a positive note i bought the new animal crossing pocket camp w some commission moneyy. and im watching arrested development still...again theres a million projects to work oon but i have noo energry waaaa

hi im Finally back where i live...its nice to sleep in my own bed! i did a ephysical activit yvery out of my league the other day and it wasnt as bad as i prepared for. i only did it because i've been feeling so much physically better over the summer, and it was really painful but like...not bad...i have literally felt the same or worse on most school days lol

the activity wad breaking into GILMAN!! an abandoned mining town i can mention by name since i dont even live remotely near it and its already famous...sadly i wasnt able to make it to the top/resdential area due to needing a getaway driver (3 person mission, i only had 1 other person). basically we went to the nearby town of redcliff in eagle county. its very small so we drove in, parked and hoped we didnt get towed, and just walked down into the traintracks & kept going for a bit over 2 miles to get there...(and back ofc) there are entries above in the mountain highways but the sheriff is very Aware and theres also drones. i got lucky because they were doing maintenance that day so there were lots of parked cars and helicopters swinging overhead whihc was LOUD also we saw a bear infront of us on the tracks. i got some great photography, tomorrow maybe i will update some of my pages so i can add that stuff

anyways im shocked my legs dont hurt whats funny is only my back does...like i cant bend over or anything it hurts alot iits bad but again i have totally had worse so im HAPPY

drawinig aloot recently & trying to have good times in general. im gonna totally publish another video vlog aboyt the mining town onto youtube, just fpr myself because i think its fun...i aways need more friends to urbex with but i dont like making friends or being aroound peop[le low key. maybe there will be new people this school year i can convince that trespassing is okay

welcmoe bck to my youotube guys. shocking report frorm colorado: i have had NEARLY ZERO HEADACHES. i was not expecting this but it is very pleasant. and my amps has not gotten worse either so im balling!!

im super invested in coding recently. im always surprised how quickly i learn programs because godot looked evil and horrifying and now its not that difficult (granted theres Many things idk how to do) but i can make basic nodes and things all by myself (i cant write the godot script however.) i love non coding based dev platforms...

annoyed that i hgave to translate my abstract thought into videogame with comprehendible plot and stuff. ii dont even have a clue what im doing or what its for... i had a pretty good idea for a game arouond 2020 i think so i might incrporate a few elements of that but otherwise its kinda mid and i dont relate to the characters as much (my current project is unfortunately very personal i think) and publishing it will be like uploading footage of my neurons being dissected but WHATEVER. have fun psycho analyzing me throough my 900 layers of pixelated girls just kididgn

umm anyways im soo excited abuot it!! i wanna code ina cafe w my friend again but. im in colorado. im thinking its gonna be an exploring game with optional battles to figure out more stuff (i havent ever played omori but from what i have heard it sounds like that?? maybe i just dont know alot of games) and its gonna be story driven i guess if the story is figuring out stuff that already happened and why people are like how they are. my incredible foresight is telling me that perhaps this will be a problem to make because i hate playing videgames i dont like story driven i DONT. not my enjoy at all!!! im not sure wh im doiong this but i need to....crying single tear yellw emoji

4 days of progress later i have now an animated player sprite and an accurate collision with objects(it means the player stiops when it gets to an object)(this took me 3 days) im really just settinh up framework but rn my godot is being bad to me and nt updating stuff so im just sketching out plans and ideas on my ipad. i like godot alot! bye for now

HI GUYS i am going to Colorado. i think it will be hard but i am preparihg as best i can and hopefully my extra strength excedrin cocktails will keep me afloat thru altitude sickness and whatnot...it shouuld be better this time Maybe hopefully cause higher altitude. im haqving a crazy headache now but somehow im still functional..i thuink my body is tricking itself into thinking its alrdy in colorado because thats what i feel like rn

i am SO EXCITED AB CLOTHES especially my besty is interested in clothes so its way more fun...i dont thiubk ill b allowed to wear most stuff but ill try. my mom bought me some nice clothesw when she went out today shes SO SWEET and she judges clothes by softness since we both have the same issues so they usually feel very good. the new ones are giving 2000s which is perfect i just need to get clothes to prihnt graphics on and then accessorize and boom...Fashiion..idk

being able to dress exactly how i want has always been a thrilling idea i have tried not to dwell on because its not allowed.masybe if i just slightly push the boundaries a littl idk im not going to be using makeup or crazy hair soo

guys i have the pink hair disease. i want long pink hair (i love having brownb hair on the other hand) this is extremely ironic for many reasons but i love the idea of wearing clothes like skirts and cute/feminine stuff layered with things a lame 20year old man would wear. bc i also want big graphic shirt and big pants u know how it is. anyways clothes so fun im seriously wondering if i should get help to up my tolerance for wearing clothes since i currently cant do anything other than soft shirt and sweatpants. but idk i dont want to get into that stuff ..i know i could benefit frtom (i forgot the name but its the therapy for SPD) because im ngl i wont last in any real life situations like this

physical therapy is going ok apparently there is something wrong with thge way i walk but we are #fixing it. ok the weirdest stuff keeps happening in my neighborhood its always been super expensive but rly safe like the police will show Immediately if u call. weird stuff keeps happening though like a backpack w/all our life info on it being stolen, then our car being stolen, and last night an exxplosion in our mailbox thats being filed as home explosives case it was So loud. and other situatioins that you would not expect.

in other news im trying to make a videogame on godot. i am not being creative whatsoever its just very complex instruction following and occasionally pasting in code but ts how i learn.. i can do some mega basic things on my own now. im gonna try and work on a thing for this site rn that has to do with that project

haiiii whats up youtbe welcome back to my channel. i hate not keeping my site activ boohoo sorry. my headaches are so infrequent im very happy!! i do have one now tho but its ok. ithink reevelaing things about myself is SOO SCARRY i am literallly just a small child with an overactive imagination. i am Just bsically a small child...i love having an overactive iimagination but its scary to try and explain to people because itss stupid EVENTHO it takes up most of my time and brain space. wateva

i have been working on artfight and watching community, its so boring but i cant find anything else. i just finished s2ep11 and i liked it because it reminded me of nmysellf thats why i brought up imaginations...i also like Abed.

im so terriblle. my evil secret is i play dti now but its so fun w my bestfriend and we both got gifted vip. im still a roblox hater but im sorry....its just so fun...the ONE game nothing else. i donot like those funny block people

ok ummn maybe i will web site later. i need to draw byabye

i dont know why but my appointmkent left me feeling a little hopeless even though im sure it was supposed to do the opposite. it was less about a cure and more about coping with the fact i will always be in pain, which i knew but it was still so weird. i dont knpow how i will do school next year, i dont want to manage anything i just want to lie down !!!!!!

i keep having dreams about: this weird abandoned place/urbex xlocation i've never been to (in atleast 5 dreams), about my sink/plumming pouring out gross sewage thats not water, thatds all i remember mostly

i wantto b feeling normal...energy...i have weird thoughys and dreams ndf feel like i slpiied into.a slightly alternate universe at some pointa few months ago and thats why my dreams are different places and a few things are off , i need to stop having weirdf thoughts but it helps to create things and daydream and organize meaningless brain things...i think i just need to live a bit slower than eveyroen else and it ewill be ok in the end, i feel like an alien and my own planet, tnis [past year has just been a dream

anyways some guy brought me a machine girl hoodie that didnt fit him, it was super nice idk why he keeps stopping by cause i cant even go anywhere anymore but the thought is nice

I DONRT WANT TO START PHYTS THERAPY. DIE SCREAM EXPLODE. also guys i highly reccomebnd pavloving urself for school...i take ritalin only when i go to school and it literally works im soo smart i dont even feel that much crushing depressuon wave at the thought of shcool ending . i literally feel like a dreamt version of myself like theres a foggy glass pane between me and everything

IM SOOO TIRED OF BEING NAUSEATED th otehr day i trhew iup so much into the sink in the middle of the night and i can literally eat nothing without wanting to die because im so nauseated . my pssychiatrist justkeeps telling me to take mpre prozac because "my subconscious is panicking all the time and stressed wwhich is causing AMPS" even thoough i am #Literally Not.I am Not. I think I know whats happn but whatever!! im better a bit but i cnat tell if its noo school & sittin hin my room allday! i usually feel okay because i am so heavily removed mentally from the entire situation and how bad it is at this specific time in my life . i love not being present blablabla

also its weird because if he less pain is being caused by the "lack of school" (not the walking w heavy stuff but mental) i dontt understand and that is. a bit creepy because that kindof Confirms the theory that there are NEW and EXCITING occurrings in my subconscious that idk about. living in fight of flight for a few years will do that i suppos but if so i dont wanna undo it. they told me to medicate nad practice being prsent w my feelings. i know whats going on in my head and i dont need to connect to anything im not stupid i went thru so much to get to a maageable point in my life and im not giving it up for something dumb just to make myself feel more things lolll

i am playing minecraft recently with new people its fun everyone is normal and nice and doesnt freak me out. i think i was meant too live a very small life where i have 1 friend because i need a very fas tway to mentally close off contact from every person i know nd havung most of them online makes that easier. i still feel the same way about people in general tho but its Finee and normal

anyways i just wanted to update cause im bored and havent in a while and im riding out the nausea. we are going to maybe go on vacation to a place with weird elevation and i think this may be the #End cause last time iw as stuck in the hotel taking 12 pills a day and in total agony. i wonder what will happen this time now i have an actual fullbody disorder that is worsened by air pressures ALSO its for like a few weeks i think...idk we havent planned it but i am So Cooked. im actually so cooked

all this stuff is negative sooundig but im actually good overall i just like to ccmplain caus Yaaa. Im gonna....keep yaying onwards!!! scuttles away

im STILL ALIVE. im just living as best i can atp every week i get sick or something new is wrong but we ball!! im slowly figuring out hwy i like r&m aside from all the obvious reasons i will analyze it later mayybe but guys i love it ....i get sick soo easily with food now its just like 2020 but worse bro case now i cant have any of my favs like dairy!! based on repeated trials i can concluse that the very light smell of any fried food immediately triggers a headache & nausea. every time i eat food or im near food i get a headache. eating makes me sick after and the worst part is ive literall been eatng so much the past few weeks like fried chicken every day and haven't gained a single pound bro i will never get over 100 i honestly believe im DOOMED and just wasting awya

having schizoid thoughts always wateava umm im enjoying my time this summer mostly thats all i have to say

i feel like my skin and bones have disintegrated!!! I FEELL SOO BAD EVERYTHING SO BAD i ave had a headache every hour of my life for the past 4 weeks!!! the weather is bad and everything is worse i hate standing up and walking i hate habvingto move my fingers and hands everything hurts and none of this is wortn it i still have llike 3 days left of exams i think i am llike going to die in seversl weeks or something it keeps getting worse. i like sittingand watching a show but after a certain point i would just rather fall over and not wake up i cant even have a few seconds of no pain. what do you mean im supposed to function and go to school every day like this i dontg have the energy for a full day anymor it takes me like 2 days to recover per regular school day. i cant get off the floor when im home , i need something better than this, i just want to go away for a long long time

9:10PM low key do not feel any more joy at all in life and my soreness has spread to my face (liek the bones in my face) hurtand ache as well as my headache

i dont think anyone reads this ngl this is for the BETTER of societyanways hi im gonna be talking about dramatic things because i've been hit with the ritalin beam sorry chat!! not anything bad tho i think

promised myself if i could make it to shcool today i would get myself a little treat (the treat was ritalin) im actuallly drug pavloving myself into liking school (and it has worked so no complaints) and im super amped right now!! justreceieved a great metric of how much i have improved mentallysince a few years ago. i had a certain conversation today that was the same as one i hda several years ago. the last time i had it, i went upstairs and cried oon the floor of my bathroom so hard i dissociated back and forth and fel asleep or passed out(and awful activities during! yayaaya). this time around, i feel okay! im so. good guys!!

wow that was a weird week i went to school every day except tuesday?? thank god i dont have school tomorrow cause im not ready. i've felt super weirdly guilty or something recently because im thinking about the efficiency of using a cane & wondering if i should swap it out for those elbow crutch things. honestly think that would be tghe least painful option cause i often find myself thinking which leg to put the pressure on since both hurt...but i really cant afford to do that at school since i need to carry. books and stuff. esp when im out i always need to carry a bag and even crossbody bag w cane is difficult to manage!!EWWWWWWW I FEEL SO NASTY...if i was liek totally alone at all times id for sure use crutches but im NOT.

working on an etsy shp to sell stickers anyways bye for now

i dont have anything new to say except i dont know whats gonna happen to me and movies for guys is always playing on repeat in my head for the past few weeks! migraines daily and walking is getting worse.i never imagined that it would get to [this] point but i still have trouble believing i will be immobile(by this i mean unable to walk even. a bit) though it looks like a possibility, i have to be prepared for anything to happen

i need it to be summer so i can rot in peace cause im always missing school, i dontevn care tho!! idk whati will do. im no longer worrying about.getting a job or anything (this is a lie) my mom said she will letme live with them as long as i need (this is a blessing). she keeps saying she wishes she could do something!! living like this is ALIEN to me. i alwys knew how i was gonna fail and it was NO Tthis bruh like fo rgods sake i am literally a teenager i shouldny have to learn how to manage pain and ration out my energy like i've alrdy been doing my whole life

anyways i am literally coping guys coping so. well!! shoutout to coping. i have like 6 different things going on and spend more time living in my brain then ever!! ok ive wantd to rant about this for a while but honstly 1 of the worst part is how embarassing everyday is forme... ritalin kind of nulls it THANK GOD but seriously its SO FUCKING EMBARASSING to show up to. school every day w a freaking cane like oh my goddd no one told me....this is so embarassing.....as someone who has never shown up to school w any medical indications or injuries before. on BLUD what do i say. this is embarassing.

5:56 PM

ew bro could u not ticklle my face while im blogging. ok im back after the Incident!! unwanted hiatus. I AM FULLY AWARE OF THE STATE OF THIS NEW WEBPAGE. GUYS.... I DIDNT MEAN IT. i dont even like orange or pink i dont KNOW why i did thiss i dont know.....!!!!

playing so much minecraft lately cause i found a new server. literally what else im still completely freaked up the other day i was struck by giggle feelings because i as like "wow i cang believe this is my life now" like i genuinely cannot.....anywas im excited for april 25!!!!!WAHWWWW!!!

i wanna go urbexing byt i broke up with my urbex partner of 2 trips and hes lowk the only availlable person ever cause my friends are doing exams so idk..its just not as fun alone cause i cant get photos of people! i last went to an abandoned church it was boring and we had to literally break in broad daylight in front of a busy road. cause it was boarded..

watching LOTS of futurama because i have nothing ekse i wanna watch actually. getting into rainbow lobsters recently and i calmed myself down in a fit of rare rage by just looking at photos of them #EmotionalRegulation skills that many people in my house would do weell to employ or look into!! im not used to havnig multiple interests that aare shows ESP not the same time so im trying to distrac myself from them because they are bouncing around in my head too much also lobsters give me some space its crowded in there DUDE I. NEVER DRAW FANART BUT I WAS HIT WITH THE BUG TODAY.. somebody save me! listening to llots of m1v

i lowkey feel skeletal thats just a me thing and idk if remainnig stationary is making me weaker and worse or if im actually just declining either way it thurts sso much to stand and do stuff i feel crazy and i cant sleep at night, i woke up with the most splittingheadache the other day and some days im hit with 3 pains at once (fullbody + stomach + headache and or allergies) so thats kind of the worst...always room t get worse tho!! i do not think its gonna stop here im just strapped in for the ride

this guy @ school continues to stallk me its so freaky i escape at every opportunity not much to update w that...i had to miss schoo today anyways thats alll i have for now unless im struck by genius later. byebye