
heads up i am proabbly gonna angry rant alot in this..nothing bad just whining tbh
i have been doing shockingly well recently !! rcently my pt super pissed me off alot and made me upset but other than that brief slip , i hav efelt great and neutral as can be. i always HATE being asked by my psych to rate my mood 1-10 because 10 is the peak happy and 5 would sound mid and 0 woud be terriblle but im feeling none of those things at all. i just say "neutral" every time LOL i dont think ill ever be able to convey how i feel to anyone ever tbh
i wasnt planning to talk about this but its 1 reason im mildly interested in the refraction girl song because it describes feelings vanishing before they get anywhere and yeha!!Thats the one!! like if the sun hits the feeling it will dissipate, evaporate whatever, its like water dissolving
ok anywas my Pt. please know i do my best at all times to understand everyone and respect their levels of authority because i try to avoid bias etc etc so i really did go along with what she was saying and trust her even thouogh i dont see immediate results or even any improvement (actually the opposite lol) i still kept going for the greater in the later. but i think she has Never in her Life experienced pain before. i dont think she knows what physical pain is. i literally cant...i wish i had known her opinion on my disease before we actually started working. she said i am traiing my brain to be too reliant on a cane, and i dont want to be using that in 10yrs right? and instead of a cane i should use my "Coping Skills" (fucking deep breathing and cartoon distraction pamphlets targeted towards oparents of 7 year olds). Holy shit i was like "unfortunately i DONT have the energy to do fucking box breathing meditatoon and concentrate heavily on Coping Skills everywjhere i go. and then i was like "you realize i cant Think The pain away??" like does she think i can build imaginary things in my head and it blocks the pain???what the fuck and she said "i dont mean it will make the pain go from a 10 to a 0!! it will just help" GIRL IF SOMEONE IS PINCHING YOU ARE YOU GOING TO : do something that makes them pinch less. Or are you going to use "coping skills." literally all i do is coping skills i am actually Extremely coping i am 84 coping mechanisms dressed as a person. And unfortunately playing bubble wrap simulator will not decrease my nerve pain. she is genuinely fucking stupid it makes me so mad shes 25 and has probably worked with like 2 children. im going to a pediatrician hospital thing so it makes sense but she treats me like a baby.
she says i can not use the cane because i can complete the excersizes & im strong enough. Sorry but i dont have a sopare shred of energy to spend on performinig my maximum physical capacity every second of the day. She says i can do it but she is the one who makes me stand between doing stuff. I got so tired i was only allowed to stand so i rested my head in the table for a minute and was barely able to repsond to her but she kept babying me trying to get me to play games while i wasnt speaking with my forehead on the table. She thinks i am a seven year old. I dont think she knows anything about AMPS which btw has almost never lasted 10 years but even if it did, i would be happy to keep "relying" on a cane because it means i feel less pain w every step...in every part of my legs....i literally try as much as i can without it. in my house & i even try going places without it. i hate all of this i hate feeling dramatic i wish everyone believed me & i wsish there was another way. its sickening how she can be so sweet & nice and then turn arorund and basically say i can just wish away physical pain. i hope someday she breaks a limb or something and is told to just do deep breathing!! or try some coloring!! no you dont need any assistance just use your Mental Coping Skills <3
ok now that thats out of the way idk...im going to stores on the weekend usually because for Some. Somr reason my mom is letting me get clothes that i want to wear. i have never been allowed to dress how i want so its weird but i am slowly Buying Items to wear. for my own AMUSEMENT... i also bought some lime green lens glasses that are like a knockoff of something designer but they look way better imo. and i bought a porcelain nun shes sitting behind me now i love her!
also watching new futurama w friend on call its SO much fun. i like futurama
last i think my appetite is fine or just being weird because the other day i was like "i Want ihop" and then i deadass ate 2 pancakes(w banana slices & loads of chocolate) 4 sausages and hashbrowns. That is the most food i have had in 1 sitting maybe. probably not but still. And today i ate SIX pizza slices. im becoming a Hunger Experiencer. its kind of fun because now i get to enjoy flavors but when theres onthing good its like. Flavor Hell. i never know what i want to eat or what my fav foods are until i hear it broughtup so i might make a list of my fav foods to browse. thats all byebye

