i dont know why but my appointmkent left me feeling a little hopeless even though im sure it was supposed to do the opposite. it was less about a cure and more about coping with the fact i will always be in pain, which i knew but it was still so weird. i dont knpow how i will do school next year, i dont want to manage anything i just want to lie down !!!!!!

i keep having dreams about: this weird abandoned place/urbex xlocation i've never been to (in atleast 5 dreams), about my sink/plumming pouring out gross sewage thats not water, thatds all i remember mostly

i wantto b feeling normal...energy...i have weird thoughys and dreams ndf feel like i slpiied into.a slightly alternate universe at some pointa few months ago and thats why my dreams are different places and a few things are off , i need to stop having weirdf thoughts but it helps to create things and daydream and organize meaningless brain things...i think i just need to live a bit slower than eveyroen else and it ewill be ok in the end, i feel like an alien and my own planet, tnis [past year has just been a dream

anyways some guy brought me a machine girl hoodie that didnt fit him, it was super nice idk why he keeps stopping by cause i cant even go anywhere anymore but the thought is nice

I DONRT WANT TO START PHYTS THERAPY. DIE SCREAM EXPLODE. also guys i highly reccomebnd pavloving urself for school...i take ritalin only when i go to school and it literally works im soo smart i dont even feel that much crushing depressuon wave at the thought of shcool ending . i literally feel like a dreamt version of myself like theres a foggy glass pane between me and everything

IM SOOO TIRED OF BEING NAUSEATED th otehr day i trhew iup so much into the sink in the middle of the night and i can literally eat nothing without wanting to die because im so nauseated . my pssychiatrist justkeeps telling me to take mpre prozac because "my subconscious is panicking all the time and stressed wwhich is causing AMPS" even thoough i am #Literally Not.I am Not. I think I know whats happn but whatever!! im better a bit but i cnat tell if its noo school & sittin hin my room allday! i usually feel okay because i am so heavily removed mentally from the entire situation and how bad it is at this specific time in my life . i love not being present blablabla

also its weird because if he less pain is being caused by the "lack of school" (not the walking w heavy stuff but mental) i dontt understand and that is. a bit creepy because that kindof Confirms the theory that there are NEW and EXCITING occurrings in my subconscious that idk about. living in fight of flight for a few years will do that i suppos but if so i dont wanna undo it. they told me to medicate nad practice being prsent w my feelings. i know whats going on in my head and i dont need to connect to anything im not stupid i went thru so much to get to a maageable point in my life and im not giving it up for something dumb just to make myself feel more things lolll

i am playing minecraft recently with new people its fun everyone is normal and nice and doesnt freak me out. i think i was meant too live a very small life where i have 1 friend because i need a very fas tway to mentally close off contact from every person i know nd havung most of them online makes that easier. i still feel the same way about people in general tho but its Finee and normal

anyways i just wanted to update cause im bored and havent in a while and im riding out the nausea. we are going to maybe go on vacation to a place with weird elevation and i think this may be the #End cause last time iw as stuck in the hotel taking 12 pills a day and in total agony. i wonder what will happen this time now i have an actual fullbody disorder that is worsened by air pressures ALSO its for like a few weeks i think...idk we havent planned it but i am So Cooked. im actually so cooked

all this stuff is negative sooundig but im actually good overall i just like to ccmplain caus Yaaa. Im gonna....keep yaying onwards!!! scuttles away

im STILL ALIVE. im just living as best i can atp every week i get sick or something new is wrong but we ball!! im slowly figuring out hwy i like r&m aside from all the obvious reasons i will analyze it later mayybe but guys i love it ....i get sick soo easily with food now its just like 2020 but worse bro case now i cant have any of my favs like dairy!! based on repeated trials i can concluse that the very light smell of any fried food immediately triggers a headache & nausea. every time i eat food or im near food i get a headache. eating makes me sick after and the worst part is ive literall been eatng so much the past few weeks like fried chicken every day and haven't gained a single pound bro i will never get over 100 i honestly believe im DOOMED and just wasting awya

having schizoid thoughts always wateava umm im enjoying my time this summer mostly thats all i have to say

i feel like my skin and bones have disintegrated!!! I FEELL SOO BAD EVERYTHING SO BAD i ave had a headache every hour of my life for the past 4 weeks!!! the weather is bad and everything is worse i hate standing up and walking i hate habvingto move my fingers and hands everything hurts and none of this is wortn it i still have llike 3 days left of exams i think i am llike going to die in seversl weeks or something it keeps getting worse. i like sittingand watching a show but after a certain point i would just rather fall over and not wake up i cant even have a few seconds of no pain. what do you mean im supposed to function and go to school every day like this i dontg have the energy for a full day anymor it takes me like 2 days to recover per regular school day. i cant get off the floor when im home , i need something better than this, i just want to go away for a long long time

9:10PM low key do not feel any more joy at all in life and my soreness has spread to my face (liek the bones in my face) hurtand ache as well as my headache

i dont think anyone reads this ngl this is for the BETTER of societyanways hi im gonna be talking about dramatic things because i've been hit with the ritalin beam sorry chat!! not anything bad tho i think

promised myself if i could make it to shcool today i would get myself a little treat (the treat was ritalin) im actuallly drug pavloving myself into liking school (and it has worked so no complaints) and im super amped right now!! justreceieved a great metric of how much i have improved mentallysince a few years ago. i had a certain conversation today that was the same as one i hda several years ago. the last time i had it, i went upstairs and cried oon the floor of my bathroom so hard i dissociated back and forth and fel asleep or passed out(and awful activities during! yayaaya). this time around, i feel okay! im so. good guys!!

wow that was a weird week i went to school every day except tuesday?? thank god i dont have school tomorrow cause im not ready. i've felt super weirdly guilty or something recently because im thinking about the efficiency of using a cane & wondering if i should swap it out for those elbow crutch things. honestly think that would be tghe least painful option cause i often find myself thinking which leg to put the pressure on since both hurt...but i really cant afford to do that at school since i need to carry. books and stuff. esp when im out i always need to carry a bag and even crossbody bag w cane is difficult to manage!!EWWWWWWW I FEEL SO NASTY...if i was liek totally alone at all times id for sure use crutches but im NOT.

working on an etsy shp to sell stickers anyways bye for now

i dont have anything new to say except i dont know whats gonna happen to me and movies for guys is always playing on repeat in my head for the past few weeks! migraines daily and walking is getting worse.i never imagined that it would get to [this] point but i still have trouble believing i will be immobile(by this i mean unable to walk even. a bit) though it looks like a possibility, i have to be prepared for anything to happen

i need it to be summer so i can rot in peace cause im always missing school, i dontevn care tho!! idk whati will do. im no longer worrying about.getting a job or anything (this is a lie) my mom said she will letme live with them as long as i need (this is a blessing). she keeps saying she wishes she could do something!! living like this is ALIEN to me. i alwys knew how i was gonna fail and it was NO Tthis bruh like fo rgods sake i am literally a teenager i shouldny have to learn how to manage pain and ration out my energy like i've alrdy been doing my whole life

anyways i am literally coping guys coping so. well!! shoutout to coping. i have like 6 different things going on and spend more time living in my brain then ever!! ok ive wantd to rant about this for a while but honstly 1 of the worst part is how embarassing everyday is forme... ritalin kind of nulls it THANK GOD but seriously its SO FUCKING EMBARASSING to show up to. school every day w a freaking cane like oh my goddd no one told me....this is so embarassing.....as someone who has never shown up to school w any medical indications or injuries before. on BLUD what do i say. this is embarassing.

5:56 PM

ew bro could u not ticklle my face while im blogging. ok im back after the Incident!! unwanted hiatus. I AM FULLY AWARE OF THE STATE OF THIS NEW WEBPAGE. GUYS.... I DIDNT MEAN IT. i dont even like orange or pink i dont KNOW why i did thiss i dont know.....!!!!

playing so much minecraft lately cause i found a new server. literally what else im still completely freaked up the other day i was struck by giggle feelings because i as like "wow i cang believe this is my life now" like i genuinely cannot.....anywas im excited for april 25!!!!!WAHWWWW!!!

i wanna go urbexing byt i broke up with my urbex partner of 2 trips and hes lowk the only availlable person ever cause my friends are doing exams so idk..its just not as fun alone cause i cant get photos of people! i last went to an abandoned church it was boring and we had to literally break in broad daylight in front of a busy road. cause it was boarded..

watching LOTS of futurama because i have nothing ekse i wanna watch actually. getting into rainbow lobsters recently and i calmed myself down in a fit of rare rage by just looking at photos of them #EmotionalRegulation skills that many people in my house would do weell to employ or look into!! im not used to havnig multiple interests that aare shows ESP not the same time so im trying to distrac myself from them because they are bouncing around in my head too much also lobsters give me some space its crowded in there DUDE I. NEVER DRAW FANART BUT I WAS HIT WITH THE BUG TODAY.. somebody save me! listening to llots of m1v

i lowkey feel skeletal thats just a me thing and idk if remainnig stationary is making me weaker and worse or if im actually just declining either way it thurts sso much to stand and do stuff i feel crazy and i cant sleep at night, i woke up with the most splittingheadache the other day and some days im hit with 3 pains at once (fullbody + stomach + headache and or allergies) so thats kind of the worst...always room t get worse tho!! i do not think its gonna stop here im just strapped in for the ride

this guy @ school continues to stallk me its so freaky i escape at every opportunity not much to update w that...i had to miss schoo today anyways thats alll i have for now unless im struck by genius later. byebye