Hi lads im stil hanging in there!! i went to a fun party at a friends place and it was prretty nice there were Alot of people & old friends and i spoke to tthem!!. i also thought i was going into remission oover break which hwas SO DUMB turns out it was staying totally still in bed for 3 weeks that made me feel better & now im back to regular pain all the time Whateverr and if im not on ritalin i am just totally dead tired. i have started passing out much earlier than usuall and for some reason it makes me even more tired. i genuinely think that if i dont stay up until like 12pm my body will crashoutt earlier . but at the same time im thinking maybe im Suppoosed to feel tired at these times..maybe i jus hate being tired. Idk. 8:30 ismt even that early to feel ttired and sleep. i think ill go tot bed rn

i dontt realllyy have that much to say i a, justt doing my best to function still. im hoping to nogt miss any school days this week

HI HELLO THE VOID sorry im not posting as much im super drawing pilled. im drawing so much. also im really upset right now (TMI ABOUT HEALTH AND WEIGHT)because i havent checked in liek 3 weeks since i dont go downstairs but i lost too much weight im so mad i just want t eat normally oh my god.. i can never seem to stay at 100 pounds im jst so sick and nauseated all the time i cant do anything. i cant eat in the morning i cant eat any time of day everything makes me gag. i keep coughing up clotted blood and my gag reflex is really weird i dont know what happened. i think ,y muscles are atrrophying i feel dead . (END TMI) good news my pain is a bit better i now dont have the "constant" pain as much i only have reactive pain so like. its still really amplified (went urbexing and couldnt mpve foor 5 days in bed) but now i can sit still in bed and not be like in agony which is rly nice.

I Loove urbexing !! i fogot if i mentionoeds the hydroelectric plant but tehre was that (got gorgeous pics) and recently went to like 4 abandoned houses and fouond cool stuff. i love dragging my older friends to places. sometimes i think "maybe i should feel bad because they dont actually want to be with me" and then i realize if they didnt want t they could just say no and if they say yes but dnt want to then its their fault. So ya i llove reocnnedctting. I have been embracing YOLO recently through the power of ritalin so im makng new friends. I hve straight up been messaging people stuff. I have realized that i am not even living if i dont say what i want or mean so i started doing that. I made a friend who matches my freak about deep sea isopods and im very rhappy about it!! i love dee esa isopods

one of my friends got me into the hellp (agian sorta) i only liked the one song tu tu neuotic but now im just listening to their whole discography, so far i like shadow, here i am and hot fun

i dont have liiek alot to say idk. tbh i think the reason ive gotten even more into urbexing despite being ill is that it makes me feel like im actially alive NOT IN A CORNY WAY but liek. i spend all my time in bed and watching the world pass me by, so hopping myself up on unhealthy doses of drugs and caffiene to be awake enough to visit mildly dangerous places with friends feels like a small chunk of being alive im allowed to experience. i love driving in their cars and listening t loud music and looking at houses and places and seeing the family photos of people wh are long gone left in their destroyed kitchens. And then i love dragging myself into the car after and driving to get fried chicken and a chocolate shake and being able to eat mst of it and listening to music as the sun sets and being the last one dropped off at home so we can talk longer. I like it all

i Lied im not gonna write a big post i forgot everyhing

i dont knowww i need to lock in and fix everyrthng . My docto asked today about doing some new tests because they are very positive my fatigue isnt from medication... i lowkey didnt think my skin halluciination things were imporytant to mentino but my mom and i had a rather Lengthy conversation in the car . apparently i didnt tell her what i thought i did, because she says i didnt tell her but im too tired to think aboout it, its not my fault when people dont take me seriously but every time my concerns have ignored they get very bad its fine WATEVAA . they think i may have narcolepsy idk i dont think thas the issue . But when they said that word to me my head felt all fuzzy because in no world was it going to be a word i'd consider associating with myself. i researchedlater bc i was under the impression you had to faint & catalepsy episodes but apparently its not required . idk what the point isss im already taking narcolepsy medication & it keeps me barely functional for 2 hours so thats something

i just want the everyday pain to end and i just dont want to be sleeepy..!!! i dont want to be tired i dont understand i dont get it! i always feel like im living in glass forever

in the mornings i get up and take ritalin & other medicine and drink coffee and then i go to school for 2 hourrs and then i lie in bed from 11am to 7:40am tthe nextt day and then i do it again, i dontt have the energy to fix any thing at all . I want my mind to stop trying to pull my body with it and they can both go down

im absolutely sick of this shit what d oyou mean the only way for em to recover is for me to suffer as much as physically possible through rigorous exercise daily i dont care anymore i've never been motivated to do things by nmyself i was born devoid of self motivatino and this is the end! of course i was diagnosed with something that conveniently makes the way out the hardest fucking way possible well unfortunately like most people in extreme agonyi DONT see a point in living if its going to be that hard to get better. My life is ruined and there is no fucking point in staying alive just to do this every single day im so mad. There is still a way out But i know i will suffer if i die and go to hell. Every belief system that i have subscribed to leads to Eternal Suffering and Torment including both staying alive and dying No matter what i do i'lk be in hell on earth or anywhere else I dnot want to fightt anything anymore!!!! LIKE ANYONE IS SUPPOSED TO AT THIS POINT my body and mind are naturally ready to GIVE UP!!!! You will look into my eyes and prescribe me a death sentence I will cry becaues its my fault i was born weak both of will and mind!! theres only one proper solution for this , this is why natural selection should have happened!! My whole life i have been propped up by otehr people to keep staying alive because I DONT HAVE THE WILL TO DO IT!! Maybe the one good decision i can ever make is relieving others of that burden!!!! Why did you have to take away everything that helped!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! WHy is the obnly way out to suffer!!!!!!!!!!Im literally living inside of hell RIGHT NOW!!!!I'VE ALREADY DIED AND THIS IS HELL

i made it to school today by hyping myself up like a scared animal but at tthis point even ritalin cant help me. my body hasgiven up and i've run out of options. the only cure apparently is exersize and i cant make myself do it, i always knew my lethargy and lack of motivation would lead me to a bad end but i didnt know it would be this soon

we most likely cant afford inpatient treatment for weeks or months. i dont have the strength or willpower to do it anyways. the problem isnt even completely teh pain. if i was in pain but had energy i could probably keep going alot better but i just feel like giving up. i wish i had the energy to at least try and fight it

more hospital scheduled 4 soon i know it wont help

hi guys i manafed to get to 2nd quarter with passing classes AND not many absences unfortunately im degrading rn !! i can usually manage if te pain is bad in 1 or 2 places at ocne but if its everywhere its lwok too much to get out and function SORRYY. i had my last PT session the oter day and it was top 10 shittiest moments of my life bro i almost cried for the first time in years!!! i had to hold it in for legit 30min and the problem is when no body expects u to cry so they ccontinue speaking with u regularly even tho ur like. On the verge. Of crashing out. Because this woman is so horrible and makes me so mad. But i never have to see her again....it was soo embarassing even tho i rly dont think anyone noticed except my mom probably knew smtth was off. i told myself i could do it later because im good at holding things off but by the time i got to my room alone i didnt have anything

i was in alot of random back pain that day like intense enough that i was nauseated and it was overstimulating to exercise at the same time but i DID IT...and near the end of the session i was like "im in too much pain to keep doing this" and she was like. Thats an ATTTITUDE issue!! your MINDSET is bad...if you dont try despite the pain you will never get better :)!! and i was like. but i have been trying this whole time...this is the first time in any of our sessions where i have asked to stop...! soi asked if i wasnt allowed tot set a thresh hold 4 myself because im in too much pain to think or speak coherently??while i am tearing up because its so painful? and she just kept saying that the exercise wasnt making the pain worse because it wasnt its just the fact that i cant do both at the same time!!and i was gob smacked that she didnt understand what i meant. so then she gave me the same lecture about breaking the pain cycle and the SAME medical info packet that i have THREE OF IN MY ROOM ALREADY. she babies me and repeats the same fucking information every session like i have terminal memory loss and then tells me im having an attitude problem because i am begging her to allow me to stop. it made me feel so dead

another reasonthis made me soo mad is because i have a history of this happening where im super lenient and tolerant and then i ask for 1 (one)single rule or boundary that gets absolutely violated immediately!! i cant handle doctors anymore

it got me thinknig about the possibility i wont get better!i've been super optimistic this whole time with the ups and downs but im just wondering if it will ever end. maybe she's right that im not pushing myself far enough. its hard to tell when i certainly feel like impushing myself every single day, i dont know whats worng with her, i really wanted to cause her harm and hurt her or run out and lock myself in the bathroom. if i could have screamed at her without crying i definately would but im really not pleased with myself for getting to that point anyways. i need to have better control over myself but pain weakens the mind also i guess. sometimes i FORGET that the body is capable of producing more than just brain thoughts and then its a total jump scare like why are you tampering with my ability to speak....

sorry ithis si not a good blog post i just wanted to record my findings atp this site is for me really since i dont rememebr things

for some reason at the lowest points of my life i always have turned to online forums which is so so unlike me in the first place..the first time i did this it was on quora LMAO its probably just as bad as it was, if not worse cause of the engagement farming stuff. but i basically asked a stupid and ooverly detailed question like help i wanna kms what to do. i got 3 replies. two were telling me to read different bible verses and the third was 'talk to your pastor!" and tehn i was like Well now i actually want to die. #MiddleschoolFeels anyways this time i got alot of answers. i basically asked something vague like why do i have amps if im not any of the demographic who gets amps (peopl with trauma or ptsd and athletes) because what else is there to cause it....and all the responses were different things. some were helpfu i guess like i learned a new name for it which is cs (central sensitization) but also its stupid because amps has like 5 different names and its also under the crps/whatever unbrella and related to fibro and everything else idk. they are all so muddled and no one even knows what tyhey mean irl so im not gonna be spitting my letters 2 them. at first i was like hmm maybne i shouldnt read about this disorder because it could make me worse to think of it as more real...then i was like fuck no , over researching and glimpses of understanding are encouraging and will help me recover.

the post sort of got me nowhere in the end. there are at LEAST 25 different causes. science isnt advanced enough to come to any assumption literally there can be inflammation in ur uhh blood or someting??thats undetectable. and people were like did you get a mri and allthese other very expensive tests that r not covered by insurance. idk whats the point of all that ?? people just dont know enough about the brain to get anywhere i guess. this whole syndrome is a bunch of guesses layered over each other. i like rresearch i like mysteries but i dont like when i am the mystery. i am used too being as hyperaware as possible of myself and how i work. the reasoning behinnd absoolutely every behavior or thought i have is being narrated constantly however specific or navel-gazey. its so unbelievable earlier i was looking at myself in a mirror like i can see myself and i know im here but i absollutelly have No Idea whats going on inside. theer could be soup. has anyone even checked if i am full of soup. or if my brain is full of deep sea isopod, tats why i feel spiky and poky alot..and SUPER CRAWLY...im deep sea isopod okay

idk whayt my life is anymore i wish i had new stuff to say like. i lowk have no friends atm im in pain 24/7 treatment isnt working im behind on everything as usual im probably destroying my body with medication and everyone who was supposed to be on my side is gone & i hate pt

we did an eval since our insurancec changed to assess my progress. she says on paper i've made physical progress but according to my survey i have gotten worse. she says that doesnt make sense and that its a mental/mindset issue. the reason im feeling pain is because im expecting pain and using a cane or whatever is "making it worse because im thinking about it" im so done i hate this shit disorder i KNOW its in my head and thats literally the definition but i cant just think pain away jfc im so so so tired of having to explain myself maybe when im older i can just take opioids and live until im 35. why does no one seem to know whats wrong

obviously i want to take the doctors advice i've been doing everything right and i genuinely dont use a cane unless i totally need itt but its so invalidating to be told the reason im in physical agony is because i think i am. do you see how that makes no sense. what does that mean

anyways im making some money from commissions, i have a major major school recitation either tomorrow, the next day or friday. im burnt out even though i dont do anything obviously

my other option is a childrens hospital we didnt know about but its for severe cases and im thankfully far from that so idk. theres also a 2 month inpatient program in another state and on one hand i do NOT AT ALL want to do that and id hate it but also like i have noothing in this state & nothing to do so whatever

idk whats wrong with me but lately its becoming more and more clear how apathetic i am and its almost sad like unless i am caffienated i dont feel affection for people at all genuinely. thats crazy anywas i know im so boring now all i talk about is pain i wish i had a new obsession!! like hummingbird hawk-moths...they look like shrimp with wings and i like them lots. my only joy in life is occasionally calling online friends to do stuff like watch futurama or play video games idk...and that only works if im caffienated or otherwise i dont enjoy people's company and i start hoping they all explode and never contact me again Aaaaaa but for real they are kinda saving my Lyfe rirght now

one last complaint ipromise!! im not gonna be elaborating because i havent sorted it out for myself yet but the past few years i keep getting really really random Realizations or like. Discoveries. about tthings that happened when i was very young and None of them are good. i had a really great childhood i knoow but dude some of this stuff proobably shouldnt have happened i think. eurmmmmm i don know whhat to say. its not like bad bad ts just. who do i even talk to about this. i remember being very violently threatened by my own parent at like age 5 or younger in a very Un Parentlike manner. like a mildly how do i put this. Well it stuck with me for a reason. Ew. It was kind of ew. Like i know parents do that but idk theres something wrong i think . i cant tell what was normal and it makes me mad and sad and #Scared oooo sppookay

s oanyways im oscillating between abject misery and medicated joy thats the update byebye

i know its just in my head but i feel more physically decrepid every day and i KNOW firmly im not anywhere near dying but i just feel so not alive i know its all i talk about ugh i have nothing else to say. i reread a private diary entry from last april and it articculates the sluggish I am feeling but its too dramatic for here Ngl. the past 4 months i've lived wrapped in a sheet of bubble wrap and glass where everything is a dream. yesterday during PT i felt like masses ofo opaque cotton were wrapped around my face and head and i didnt have the strength o support my own body so its like im floating and fallingg down over and over and my body still hovers, and my eyes moove slowly like dragging fishing lines thru water, and the words i need to say hhaev to go thru like 10 extra steps to get out of my mouth and they are usually incoherent. it was a pretty bad thing and i just sat down on the floor for a while and all i could think was "i need to lie down" i've never felt that close to fainting while im already sitting before, usually its when im standing and then i sit and im fine but i was sitting and still had the feeling of "im going to fall down" but if i fell maybe the cotton thats everywhere would cushion and it would be soft so i wouldnt feel the fall or maybe it would echo like a million times nd id never stop forgetting the fall, thats whats happneing npw right

i hate talkiing to doctor about sleep they always rhink they know of the one thing i havent tried yet and no! no they do not...

watching shows with my Mom is fun yayy ..seeing sherri papini show rn

friend said she wishes she was me sometimes or something like that and it was soo weird like low key not living the most enviable life rn unless you count the drugs that are making me not spiral into horrifying evil...all i do is distract myself from constant unending physical pain with trinkets and then take too much caffiene and too many drugs to keep myself awake for a few hours at best. i am sort of happy because of the mood stuff though so thats nice idk. i am most likelybjust a pessimist livijg a great life and im unaware of it, but saying that sounds like a joke. i know people have much worse lives but its hard as someone whos highly unempathetic and my resulting tendency to use cognitive empathy is dulled by constannt pain and suffocating neutrality/desensetization

i Wonder what i will do if i become immune ro those things. I have also been wondering recently because i have had a bit less pain (its a little worse recently) but still overal better--ibdont know if its that or if my tolerance is higher. The more i read about amps the more mildly angry and irritated i get because its all about tolerance and control and not depending too much on anything. Im not strong and i have no self control. They also said people who refuse to address a psychological aspect of it often dont recover. Oh well

im having a good time i just felt weird about that is all. Otherwise im ok and i will try to have a good time tomorrow. Idk what to do with myself in the end tho....

heads up i am proabbly gonna angry rant alot in this..nothing bad just whining tbh

i have been doing shockingly well recently !! rcently my pt super pissed me off alot and made me upset but other than that brief slip , i hav efelt great and neutral as can be. i always HATE being asked by my psych to rate my mood 1-10 because 10 is the peak happy and 5 would sound mid and 0 woud be terriblle but im feeling none of those things at all. i just say "neutral" every time LOL i dont think ill ever be able to convey how i feel to anyone ever tbh

i wasnt planning to talk about this but its 1 reason im mildly interested in the refraction girl song because it describes feelings vanishing before they get anywhere and yeha!!Thats the one!! like if the sun hits the feeling it will dissipate, evaporate whatever, its like water dissolving

ok anywas my Pt. please know i do my best at all times to understand everyone and respect their levels of authority because i try to avoid bias etc etc so i really did go along with what she was saying and trust her even thouogh i dont see immediate results or even any improvement (actually the opposite lol) i still kept going for the greater in the later. but i think she has Never in her Life experienced pain before. i dont think she knows what physical pain is. i literally cant...i wish i had known her opinion on my disease before we actually started working. she said i am traiing my brain to be too reliant on a cane, and i dont want to be using that in 10yrs right? and instead of a cane i should use my "Coping Skills" (fucking deep breathing and cartoon distraction pamphlets targeted towards oparents of 7 year olds). Holy shit i was like "unfortunately i DONT have the energy to do fucking box breathing meditatoon and concentrate heavily on Coping Skills everywjhere i go. and then i was like "you realize i cant Think The pain away??" like does she think i can build imaginary things in my head and it blocks the pain???what the fuck and she said "i dont mean it will make the pain go from a 10 to a 0!! it will just help" GIRL IF SOMEONE IS PINCHING YOU ARE YOU GOING TO : do something that makes them pinch less. Or are you going to use "coping skills." literally all i do is coping skills i am actually Extremely coping i am 84 coping mechanisms dressed as a person. And unfortunately playing bubble wrap simulator will not decrease my nerve pain. she is genuinely fucking stupid it makes me so mad shes 25 and has probably worked with like 2 children. im going to a pediatrician hospital thing so it makes sense but she treats me like a baby.

she says i can not use the cane because i can complete the excersizes & im strong enough. Sorry but i dont have a sopare shred of energy to spend on performinig my maximum physical capacity every second of the day. She says i can do it but she is the one who makes me stand between doing stuff. I got so tired i was only allowed to stand so i rested my head in the table for a minute and was barely able to repsond to her but she kept babying me trying to get me to play games while i wasnt speaking with my forehead on the table. She thinks i am a seven year old. I dont think she knows anything about AMPS which btw has almost never lasted 10 years but even if it did, i would be happy to keep "relying" on a cane because it means i feel less pain w every step...in every part of my legs....i literally try as much as i can without it. in my house & i even try going places without it. i hate all of this i hate feeling dramatic i wish everyone believed me & i wsish there was another way. its sickening how she can be so sweet & nice and then turn arorund and basically say i can just wish away physical pain. i hope someday she breaks a limb or something and is told to just do deep breathing!! or try some coloring!! no you dont need any assistance just use your Mental Coping Skills <3

ok now that thats out of the way idk...im going to stores on the weekend usually because for Some. Somr reason my mom is letting me get clothes that i want to wear. i have never been allowed to dress how i want so its weird but i am slowly Buying Items to wear. for my own AMUSEMENT... i also bought some lime green lens glasses that are like a knockoff of something designer but they look way better imo. and i bought a porcelain nun shes sitting behind me now i love her!

also watching new futurama w friend on call its SO much fun. i like futurama

last i think my appetite is fine or just being weird because the other day i was like "i Want ihop" and then i deadass ate 2 pancakes(w banana slices & loads of chocolate) 4 sausages and hashbrowns. That is the most food i have had in 1 sitting maybe. probably not but still. And today i ate SIX pizza slices. im becoming a Hunger Experiencer. its kind of fun because now i get to enjoy flavors but when theres onthing good its like. Flavor Hell. i never know what i want to eat or what my fav foods are until i hear it broughtup so i might make a list of my fav foods to browse. thats all byebye

for the past few years i think i've managed to muster some optimism for school which granted usually fades after the first few weeks ..im not mega hopeful or anything but low key i might be doing ok with my new schedule(2-3 classes in person then going home). i think its all the extra time i have,,i get home and just relax for a bit then i have nothing to do but its still so early in the day that i dont get upset about it,, so i can actually start my work at a reasonable time and even finish it. im using flora to set timers & its actually great..boredom is saving me!! also glad i got over my caffiene Puritanism o whatever(would refuse caffiene for my whole life for health+ it didnt do anything) but it usually does something now. i have Discovered that with 1 coffee in morning and 1 an hour after i get home, i can actually function and stay awake as long as a normal human being is supposed to (unless i have to go outside and do activities). at this point i cant tell if the severe fatigue is coming from aany of like 5 possible things but either way its working a bit YAYYYY YAYY!!

slowly finding stuff i can eat lik. Slop..porridge.. DAIRY FREE rice pudding.. idk if i've mentioned this but the fact im mostly lactose intolerant now is feeding my delusion that i can actually predict the future because random tgoughts/worries i have had about the future and thought "theres no way x will happen" have happened like 6 times for pretty unusual and specific things so idk my Conclusion is i am magic. Next i am manifesting an escape from this world #StayTuned i will be launching myself intoo the space

i atcually just wrote a whole rant abut religion but it was so dumb i deleted it girl bye..I DID ACTUALLY DRAW REFRACTION GIRL BTW

im Slowly liking my physical therapist less. first it was because of all the stupid wording on documents i was handed (just stacks of paper with medical advice) on how to ignore and distract myself. and the stuff for parents was EVEN WORSE LOL it was like "dont reward behavior like staying home from school" "dont ask how your child is feeling because it makes the pain worse to think about it constantly" like. The thing thats making me think about the pain....Is The Pain.......???and they gave me a thing with free apps to download and it was so funny. IM sorry but i dont think "Bubble Wrap pop Simulator 0.99 on App Store" is going to cure or even benefit me.

aside from that im just conflicted on her recent advice which is "use the cane less" which i UNDERSTAND but like. the times i have gone out of the house w/o it i have always regretted it alot. i know i need to get better on my own but it just makes life harder in general without it AHHHH also her reasoning was i was doing well in some of the strength excersizes we did...like yes you are so right i CAN do things!! i will be hurting a ton for days afterward but that doesnt matter ur soo right!! i feel kind of bad that she never saw me at my worst for some reason because the past 1-2months o more i've been doing SO much better than when it started. and its kinda invalidating that she never saw how bad it was if that makes sense...i hope it stays this way tho!! also i think she misunderstood how much time i spend at school because its like 2-3hrs so i dont even need to walk much in the first place Just let me have my Assistance pls in the small time gap i need. i dont use it at home even bc theres lots of places i can sit down immediately sincec my house is small.

also omg that was so dumb because she knows the pain fluctuates ...and during the stuff we did i literally asked to sit down alot?/ but i had to stand anwyas for breaks So. idk pain at its lowest amount doesnt affect my physical capabilities much in the short term (40 minutes) which she seems to think means i am ok all of the time. I can literally walk without a cane i knowww i just Dont like it alot. Yes i could try going to school without it but i think i would end up regretting it like always...maybe i will try it someday soon idk if i continue to feel better i think i can

and of course there is the issue of people being nosy or weird about it idkk itsjust gonna be so annoying if im not using it sometime and people will mention it or ask me Why or say Yayy glad ur doing better!! i dont want people to think i am being stupid and fake. I dont want to be looked at, at all, or questioned, because there is really no simple elevator-pitch summary to explain whats going on. i HATEEEE being noticed for stuff like that. Would rather explode actually. Luckily people are treating me very normally still and i am so grateful for people ignoring it. Its not a big deal to them but it means alot to me

im annoyed im HUNGRY and theres nothing i can eat i knoww i alrdy complained about this but boy i jus twant ta yummy snack that doesnt have something that will kill me or that i cant chew with braces. idk im ungry boyy....thinking more about it it doesnt even feell like real hunger just like my stomach is lonely. bro ok

Managing school as best i can shoutout caffiene and stimulant adjacent things !!Im honestly a bit bored recently i have no activities and no one to meetup with atm but thats fine...its just annoying that most solitary activities cost money like going to thrift store and whatever, i can do physical activities because i cant stand up for very long Haha..and urbexing is still fun but cant go alone boohoo

I think the problem is i havent seen enough bugs recently and that is taking a toll. I need to raise some bugs so i have something in my life thats awesome. Might finally get arojd to ordering those silk moth larvae or whatever else i can find

I havent felt this Myself since lower grade school idk.how to explain , i really dont think i get lonely or experience it in the same way other people seem to! The emotional part about no school friends isnt a bother its the lack of stimulation i know that soynds mean but bear with me. Its just more boring with no people i enjoy. I go home and im alone and i go to school and im alone but occasionally bothered by the kid who stalks me even after intervention. It just feels kind of Lame is the right word?? Idk its not a big deal idk why im talking aboth it bro ok...im doing comp sci and every time i have to figure out spacial math i want to die but i keep forging ahead. Sometimes i forget that mybrain is so bad that as soon as i read numbers i can literally see then crumbling as i forget them its very weird my head is. A sieve with so many holes

Luterally all of my posts are the same sorry guys...its just "vague current event or emotional topic" "body hurts" "my brain is horrible" and then goodbye...SORRY idc, i am balling i think. i am gonna be self centered on my own blog page,,,

anyways i am sort of proud but not really because i enhoyed myself this weekend and went out with my MOM!!and made it through 2 stores with No Cane guys. granted they were super short trips amd i was sitting down alot (we went to a fruteria which was amaizng but made me super ill). by the next store i had too sit down alot but whhateverrr i am doing things! also my hospital thing was cancelled so idk when that is.

literally every dream i've had for the past month or more is a dream where i get into a random argument w my dad that makes no sense and he gets super mad and i am so afraid because i dont understand what hes asking for. thats weird becuase it happens so often yoy would think i have better things to be afraid of but I guess Not..

i mega doubt anyone reads these so byebye to The website void...hello to future me if i ever reread this!!

i have to tallk about the love hate relationshiip battle i have been fighting with MSG also known as Monosodium Glutamate....a common flavor enhancer often found inb chinese food used to achieve the "umami" taste. recently my appetite has been at an all time low but whenever i've been at my lowest, food with msg has been there to drag me down FURTHER... literally every single food i think tastes good ends up having msg. my favorite pretzels i recetly found have msg. honestly im so stupid for not realizing im just so used to stuff going wrong that i didnt think to check or notice a pattern because Erratic health. my llast msg breakup ended with gross warnng!! getting up at 2am and throwibg up soo mucg i clogged the sink. no im not a sink thrower upper i just Couldnt make it in time ...like an addict, that was the wakeup. call i needed because all the horrors it caused me before were not enouigh. i kept coming back to my beloved Baby star crunchy snack original flavor. and now i fear im hooked on Dots original homestyle pretzel twists originall flavor. THEY ARE SO GOOD THEY GIVE ME HOPE IM SOim so mad everything on this earth i ever wanted to eat is LITERALLLY POISONOUS. what do you mean a pretzel twist will give me a migraine and stomach ache. everything is wrong on this cruel earth

its for real so hard to keep track of every single thing that will make me worse...like these foods and these food smells and this barometric pressure and rain and these specific thoughts ad blablabla shut up

i knowww the solution to my Mjaorfatigue sleepy tired is probably quitting one of my medicine but guys i think i will actually die without it. My options are be so tired i cant Move across my own room or be so depressed i also cant leave my room or do anything i still think the seccond option is worse but why cant i have both...please patch this in next update

i waqs hopig for new people at my school this year but same old people except LESS because all of my friends graduated boooo its ok i have 3 classes i just get so bored without people to be Entertained by...boring af...no one cool or awesome

imworking on a new music page guys i really hate it so far..i made it in th blog format becase i wanted 2 give in depth yap about my favoirte songs and WHY .....

anyways the oother day i saw the most horrible things i have ever seen in my life but it didnt botger me which is really weird and offputting because it should have made me upset idk!! idk my brain chemicals

okk thats all i think...i have to go to the phoospital on Monday but the arent doing anything so idk why...byebye

update sstill zombuy...i dont knoow hwp its sos possible to feel im dying with nothing actively hurting i just dont feel like anything is happening i cant feel alive all ritalin does is make my heartrate rise and thats it, i dotn feel alive thre is nothing i want to do any more...medicine doesnt work i dont feel anything i need to be hit with blunt hammerstoo regain consciousness. im stillbsleeping i feel crazy !!!when i have ritalin now it makes me aware of my heart moore so it feels like my heartbeat is swimming in nothing attached to ny vision and my head!!

schol started its fine ok bye!!

back in my zombie era i habent felt a shred of energy or life in m body for the past 3 years...i need my doctor to stop actually being stupid and not answering myquestions first it was "you dont get enough slleep then it was "yuo actually sleep wa too much" except i get a regular and very healthy amount of sleep during school days??i have tried every possible combination no sleep, 3 hours, 5 hours, every kimd and im still too exhausted t move. please give me an actual solution pretty pllease....plls help me!!!

doing something simple feels llike utterly monumental i hate being so dysfunctional i can barely even get up with out layig on the ground and falling asleep i honestly think dying would be better than this i cant follow basic instructions and i dont think i will ever be a useful person in any capacity. the mere idea of completing a task fills me with actual slleep chemicals so bad i feel like i'lll pass out and i cant even stand up for that long without getting so shaky and sore that i get irritable and mad and shut down

im acctually so tired i cant even indulge in my latest unheallthy addictions that will have future reprecussions but for now are probably fine. at least its nto bad im just canteveen do anything any more

healp i just got braces.. im totally fine rn but i cant eat whivh is a problem because icant afford to loseweight rn low key. im still watching arrested development and trying to eat a load of ice crea,

bro my dad is SUCHHHH A BABY...hes literally a baby. he has not matured emotionally past the age of 9. wtf is wrong with him i cant have a single conversation wihtout him getting all booho and playng the victim over LITERALLY NOTHING and then refusing to talk to me or say any words other than "i guess....no one CARES WHAT I HAVE TO SAY...;" stfu you grown man i was talking to oyou about BEN AND JERRYS and he is trying to play these games. god damn grow up its ridiculous and sickening because hes so muc bigger than i am and yet his brain is seemingly less developed. i think people should be the size of their brains so that idiots arent able to overpower children. i cant wait until im an adult and i can tell him to his face what i think of him

i eas gonna writ emore but im bored BYEEE

fyi this post is just boring medical oversharing ermm

i figrued out why im so sleepy...all hrte time...it is called intrusive sleep and is a less common side effect of adhd. i am so glad i rread about it. it means as soon as im uninterested or rbecome slightly disengaged in somethin i get flooded with extreme drowsiness and my nervous system starts shutting down literally. so its a real tthing wow....my PT ttold me i sleep too much and thats why im too tired duing school days. i have tried every possible amount of sleep frrom none to more than i shoould have and im always tired it doesnst matter. 9 hours (reccomended 4 me) during school and im still passing out in every class i cant help it!!

pt makes me feel sooo hopeless but its fine im relaxing at home i just hate being tired dtheres a million things i want to do every second and im so slow and i cant move or think

they renamed NVLD to something else i forgot...i cant rememver all the letters but it now has a clearer definition. i wish i didnt have so many things i low key hate it

to end on a positive note i bought the new animal crossing pocket camp w some commission moneyy. and im watching arrested development still...again theres a million projects to work oon but i have noo energry waaaa

hi im Finally back where i live...its nice to sleep in my own bed! i did a ephysical activit yvery out of my league the other day and it wasnt as bad as i prepared for. i only did it because i've been feeling so much physically better over the summer, and it was really painful but like...not bad...i have literally felt the same or worse on most school days lol

the activity wad breaking into GILMAN!! an abandoned mining town i can mention by name since i dont even live remotely near it and its already famous...sadly i wasnt able to make it to the top/resdential area due to needing a getaway driver (3 person mission, i only had 1 other person). basically we went to the nearby town of redcliff in eagle county. its very small so we drove in, parked and hoped we didnt get towed, and just walked down into the traintracks & kept going for a bit over 2 miles to get there...(and back ofc) there are entries above in the mountain highways but the sheriff is very Aware and theres also drones. i got lucky because they were doing maintenance that day so there were lots of parked cars and helicopters swinging overhead whihc was LOUD also we saw a bear infront of us on the tracks. i got some great photography, tomorrow maybe i will update some of my pages so i can add that stuff

anyways im shocked my legs dont hurt whats funny is only my back does...like i cant bend over or anything it hurts alot iits bad but again i have totally had worse so im HAPPY

drawinig aloot recently & trying to have good times in general. im gonna totally publish another video vlog aboyt the mining town onto youtube, just fpr myself because i think its fun...i aways need more friends to urbex with but i dont like making friends or being aroound peop[le low key. maybe there will be new people this school year i can convince that trespassing is okay

welcmoe bck to my youotube guys. shocking report frorm colorado: i have had NEARLY ZERO HEADACHES. i was not expecting this but it is very pleasant. and my amps has not gotten worse either so im balling!!

im super invested in coding recently. im always surprised how quickly i learn programs because godot looked evil and horrifying and now its not that difficult (granted theres Many things idk how to do) but i can make basic nodes and things all by myself (i cant write the godot script however.) i love non coding based dev platforms...

annoyed that i hgave to translate my abstract thought into videogame with comprehendible plot and stuff. ii dont even have a clue what im doing or what its for... i had a pretty good idea for a game arouond 2020 i think so i might incrporate a few elements of that but otherwise its kinda mid and i dont relate to the characters as much (my current project is unfortunately very personal i think) and publishing it will be like uploading footage of my neurons being dissected but WHATEVER. have fun psycho analyzing me throough my 900 layers of pixelated girls just kididgn

umm anyways im soo excited abuot it!! i wanna code ina cafe w my friend again but. im in colorado. im thinking its gonna be an exploring game with optional battles to figure out more stuff (i havent ever played omori but from what i have heard it sounds like that?? maybe i just dont know alot of games) and its gonna be story driven i guess if the story is figuring out stuff that already happened and why people are like how they are. my incredible foresight is telling me that perhaps this will be a problem to make because i hate playing videgames i dont like story driven i DONT. not my enjoy at all!!! im not sure wh im doiong this but i need to....crying single tear yellw emoji

4 days of progress later i have now an animated player sprite and an accurate collision with objects(it means the player stiops when it gets to an object)(this took me 3 days) im really just settinh up framework but rn my godot is being bad to me and nt updating stuff so im just sketching out plans and ideas on my ipad. i like godot alot! bye for now

HI GUYS i am going to Colorado. i think it will be hard but i am preparihg as best i can and hopefully my extra strength excedrin cocktails will keep me afloat thru altitude sickness and whatnot...it shouuld be better this time Maybe hopefully cause higher altitude. im haqving a crazy headache now but somehow im still functional..i thuink my body is tricking itself into thinking its alrdy in colorado because thats what i feel like rn

i am SO EXCITED AB CLOTHES especially my besty is interested in clothes so its way more fun...i dont thiubk ill b allowed to wear most stuff but ill try. my mom bought me some nice clothesw when she went out today shes SO SWEET and she judges clothes by softness since we both have the same issues so they usually feel very good. the new ones are giving 2000s which is perfect i just need to get clothes to prihnt graphics on and then accessorize and boom...Fashiion..idk

being able to dress exactly how i want has always been a thrilling idea i have tried not to dwell on because its not allowed.masybe if i just slightly push the boundaries a littl idk im not going to be using makeup or crazy hair soo

guys i have the pink hair disease. i want long pink hair (i love having brownb hair on the other hand) this is extremely ironic for many reasons but i love the idea of wearing clothes like skirts and cute/feminine stuff layered with things a lame 20year old man would wear. bc i also want big graphic shirt and big pants u know how it is. anyways clothes so fun im seriously wondering if i should get help to up my tolerance for wearing clothes since i currently cant do anything other than soft shirt and sweatpants. but idk i dont want to get into that stuff ..i know i could benefit frtom (i forgot the name but its the therapy for SPD) because im ngl i wont last in any real life situations like this

physical therapy is going ok apparently there is something wrong with thge way i walk but we are #fixing it. ok the weirdest stuff keeps happening in my neighborhood its always been super expensive but rly safe like the police will show Immediately if u call. weird stuff keeps happening though like a backpack w/all our life info on it being stolen, then our car being stolen, and last night an exxplosion in our mailbox thats being filed as home explosives case it was So loud. and other situatioins that you would not expect.

in other news im trying to make a videogame on godot. i am not being creative whatsoever its just very complex instruction following and occasionally pasting in code but ts how i learn.. i can do some mega basic things on my own now. im gonna try and work on a thing for this site rn that has to do with that project

haiiii whats up youtbe welcome back to my channel. i hate not keeping my site activ boohoo sorry. my headaches are so infrequent im very happy!! i do have one now tho but its ok. ithink reevelaing things about myself is SOO SCARRY i am literallly just a small child with an overactive imagination. i am Just bsically a small child...i love having an overactive iimagination but its scary to try and explain to people because itss stupid EVENTHO it takes up most of my time and brain space. wateva

i have been working on artfight and watching community, its so boring but i cant find anything else. i just finished s2ep11 and i liked it because it reminded me of nmysellf thats why i brought up imaginations...i also like Abed.

im so terriblle. my evil secret is i play dti now but its so fun w my bestfriend and we both got gifted vip. im still a roblox hater but im sorry....its just so fun...the ONE game nothing else. i donot like those funny block people

ok ummn maybe i will web site later. i need to draw byabye

i dont know why but my appointmkent left me feeling a little hopeless even though im sure it was supposed to do the opposite. it was less about a cure and more about coping with the fact i will always be in pain, which i knew but it was still so weird. i dont knpow how i will do school next year, i dont want to manage anything i just want to lie down !!!!!!

i keep having dreams about: this weird abandoned place/urbex xlocation i've never been to (in atleast 5 dreams), about my sink/plumming pouring out gross sewage thats not water, thatds all i remember mostly

i wantto b feeling normal...energy...i have weird thoughys and dreams ndf feel like i slpiied into.a slightly alternate universe at some pointa few months ago and thats why my dreams are different places and a few things are off , i need to stop having weirdf thoughts but it helps to create things and daydream and organize meaningless brain things...i think i just need to live a bit slower than eveyroen else and it ewill be ok in the end, i feel like an alien and my own planet, tnis [past year has just been a dream

anyways some guy brought me a machine girl hoodie that didnt fit him, it was super nice idk why he keeps stopping by cause i cant even go anywhere anymore but the thought is nice

I DONRT WANT TO START PHYTS THERAPY. DIE SCREAM EXPLODE. also guys i highly reccomebnd pavloving urself for school...i take ritalin only when i go to school and it literally works im soo smart i dont even feel that much crushing depressuon wave at the thought of shcool ending . i literally feel like a dreamt version of myself like theres a foggy glass pane between me and everything

IM SOOO TIRED OF BEING NAUSEATED th otehr day i trhew iup so much into the sink in the middle of the night and i can literally eat nothing without wanting to die because im so nauseated . my pssychiatrist justkeeps telling me to take mpre prozac because "my subconscious is panicking all the time and stressed wwhich is causing AMPS" even thoough i am #Literally Not.I am Not. I think I know whats happn but whatever!! im better a bit but i cnat tell if its noo school & sittin hin my room allday! i usually feel okay because i am so heavily removed mentally from the entire situation and how bad it is at this specific time in my life . i love not being present blablabla

also its weird because if he less pain is being caused by the "lack of school" (not the walking w heavy stuff but mental) i dontt understand and that is. a bit creepy because that kindof Confirms the theory that there are NEW and EXCITING occurrings in my subconscious that idk about. living in fight of flight for a few years will do that i suppos but if so i dont wanna undo it. they told me to medicate nad practice being prsent w my feelings. i know whats going on in my head and i dont need to connect to anything im not stupid i went thru so much to get to a maageable point in my life and im not giving it up for something dumb just to make myself feel more things lolll

i am playing minecraft recently with new people its fun everyone is normal and nice and doesnt freak me out. i think i was meant too live a very small life where i have 1 friend because i need a very fas tway to mentally close off contact from every person i know nd havung most of them online makes that easier. i still feel the same way about people in general tho but its Finee and normal

anyways i just wanted to update cause im bored and havent in a while and im riding out the nausea. we are going to maybe go on vacation to a place with weird elevation and i think this may be the #End cause last time iw as stuck in the hotel taking 12 pills a day and in total agony. i wonder what will happen this time now i have an actual fullbody disorder that is worsened by air pressures ALSO its for like a few weeks i think...idk we havent planned it but i am So Cooked. im actually so cooked

all this stuff is negative sooundig but im actually good overall i just like to ccmplain caus Yaaa. Im gonna....keep yaying onwards!!! scuttles away

im STILL ALIVE. im just living as best i can atp every week i get sick or something new is wrong but we ball!! im slowly figuring out hwy i like r&m aside from all the obvious reasons i will analyze it later mayybe but guys i love it ....i get sick soo easily with food now its just like 2020 but worse bro case now i cant have any of my favs like dairy!! based on repeated trials i can concluse that the very light smell of any fried food immediately triggers a headache & nausea. every time i eat food or im near food i get a headache. eating makes me sick after and the worst part is ive literall been eatng so much the past few weeks like fried chicken every day and haven't gained a single pound bro i will never get over 100 i honestly believe im DOOMED and just wasting awya

having schizoid thoughts always wateava umm im enjoying my time this summer mostly thats all i have to say

i feel like my skin and bones have disintegrated!!! I FEELL SOO BAD EVERYTHING SO BAD i ave had a headache every hour of my life for the past 4 weeks!!! the weather is bad and everything is worse i hate standing up and walking i hate habvingto move my fingers and hands everything hurts and none of this is wortn it i still have llike 3 days left of exams i think i am llike going to die in seversl weeks or something it keeps getting worse. i like sittingand watching a show but after a certain point i would just rather fall over and not wake up i cant even have a few seconds of no pain. what do you mean im supposed to function and go to school every day like this i dontg have the energy for a full day anymor it takes me like 2 days to recover per regular school day. i cant get off the floor when im home , i need something better than this, i just want to go away for a long long time

9:10PM low key do not feel any more joy at all in life and my soreness has spread to my face (liek the bones in my face) hurtand ache as well as my headache

i dont think anyone reads this ngl this is for the BETTER of societyanways hi im gonna be talking about dramatic things because i've been hit with the ritalin beam sorry chat!! not anything bad tho i think

promised myself if i could make it to shcool today i would get myself a little treat (the treat was ritalin) im actuallly drug pavloving myself into liking school (and it has worked so no complaints) and im super amped right now!! justreceieved a great metric of how much i have improved mentallysince a few years ago. i had a certain conversation today that was the same as one i hda several years ago. the last time i had it, i went upstairs and cried oon the floor of my bathroom so hard i dissociated back and forth and fel asleep or passed out(and awful activities during! yayaaya). this time around, i feel okay! im so. good guys!!

wow that was a weird week i went to school every day except tuesday?? thank god i dont have school tomorrow cause im not ready. i've felt super weirdly guilty or something recently because im thinking about the efficiency of using a cane & wondering if i should swap it out for those elbow crutch things. honestly think that would be tghe least painful option cause i often find myself thinking which leg to put the pressure on since both hurt...but i really cant afford to do that at school since i need to carry. books and stuff. esp when im out i always need to carry a bag and even crossbody bag w cane is difficult to manage!!EWWWWWWW I FEEL SO NASTY...if i was liek totally alone at all times id for sure use crutches but im NOT.

working on an etsy shp to sell stickers anyways bye for now

i dont have anything new to say except i dont know whats gonna happen to me and movies for guys is always playing on repeat in my head for the past few weeks! migraines daily and walking is getting worse.i never imagined that it would get to [this] point but i still have trouble believing i will be immobile(by this i mean unable to walk even. a bit) though it looks like a possibility, i have to be prepared for anything to happen

i need it to be summer so i can rot in peace cause im always missing school, i dontevn care tho!! idk whati will do. im no longer worrying about.getting a job or anything (this is a lie) my mom said she will letme live with them as long as i need (this is a blessing). she keeps saying she wishes she could do something!! living like this is ALIEN to me. i alwys knew how i was gonna fail and it was NO Tthis bruh like fo rgods sake i am literally a teenager i shouldny have to learn how to manage pain and ration out my energy like i've alrdy been doing my whole life

anyways i am literally coping guys coping so. well!! shoutout to coping. i have like 6 different things going on and spend more time living in my brain then ever!! ok ive wantd to rant about this for a while but honstly 1 of the worst part is how embarassing everyday is forme... ritalin kind of nulls it THANK GOD but seriously its SO FUCKING EMBARASSING to show up to. school every day w a freaking cane like oh my goddd no one told me....this is so embarassing.....as someone who has never shown up to school w any medical indications or injuries before. on BLUD what do i say. this is embarassing.

5:56 PM

ew bro could u not ticklle my face while im blogging. ok im back after the Incident!! unwanted hiatus. I AM FULLY AWARE OF THE STATE OF THIS NEW WEBPAGE. GUYS.... I DIDNT MEAN IT. i dont even like orange or pink i dont KNOW why i did thiss i dont know.....!!!!

playing so much minecraft lately cause i found a new server. literally what else im still completely freaked up the other day i was struck by giggle feelings because i as like "wow i cang believe this is my life now" like i genuinely cannot.....anywas im excited for april 25!!!!!WAHWWWW!!!

i wanna go urbexing byt i broke up with my urbex partner of 2 trips and hes lowk the only availlable person ever cause my friends are doing exams so idk..its just not as fun alone cause i cant get photos of people! i last went to an abandoned church it was boring and we had to literally break in broad daylight in front of a busy road. cause it was boarded..

watching LOTS of futurama because i have nothing ekse i wanna watch actually. getting into rainbow lobsters recently and i calmed myself down in a fit of rare rage by just looking at photos of them #EmotionalRegulation skills that many people in my house would do weell to employ or look into!! im not used to havnig multiple interests that aare shows ESP not the same time so im trying to distrac myself from them because they are bouncing around in my head too much also lobsters give me some space its crowded in there DUDE I. NEVER DRAW FANART BUT I WAS HIT WITH THE BUG TODAY.. somebody save me! listening to llots of m1v

i lowkey feel skeletal thats just a me thing and idk if remainnig stationary is making me weaker and worse or if im actually just declining either way it thurts sso much to stand and do stuff i feel crazy and i cant sleep at night, i woke up with the most splittingheadache the other day and some days im hit with 3 pains at once (fullbody + stomach + headache and or allergies) so thats kind of the worst...always room t get worse tho!! i do not think its gonna stop here im just strapped in for the ride

this guy @ school continues to stallk me its so freaky i escape at every opportunity not much to update w that...i had to miss schoo today anyways thats alll i have for now unless im struck by genius later. byebye