my blog!!

havent been able to updaye umuch bc so much pain!! not a second of relief forweeks ive tried every medicine . can barely hold objects or type. i feel every single joint in eah of my hands achng. it hurts my legs to sit and it hurts to walk and pick thingsup and it hurts to sit still, gave up threww all mu school shit on the floor and going to bed right where i am, skipping school tomorrow also until i can get to the doctor tomorrw! i cant finish my art thats due but my teacher likes meso she sayd it wont affect my grade bc she can seehow hard im trying. had to actually use. text to speech on a google doc for my book annotations the other day lol...yesetfday i lay in bed sideways for 4 hours and just scrolled on my phone w my thumb. got a new heating pad snd it feels great, also got some wrist braces tgat are COOLING LIKE U CAN FREEZE THEM < 3333LOVE THEM SM!11 problem is ghey r bulky and dont tlast very long sad...i am so lame every time i pick up a textbook ot my backpack i acttuakly like. UUUUUGGH YOU KNOW!! yhats all for today because i no longer posess the strength to hld my head up w/o pulling a muscle goodnight

thinking about another song idea, im home alone alot this weekedn & very relaxing. my brotherr and dad got home and i was scared, and something was weird despite him not responding to me, alot of time time im not sure if he is deaf or what because he does not acknowledge when i speak to him alot but he veentually said he was taking my brother to the ER and not to tell my mother ???and she is coming home soon from the airport so idk what to tell her bc saying "icant tell you where they are" is weird but i cant lie and say i dont know where they are.....

this is the sappiest melancholy blogpost ever bc my new higher dose meds i took like 2hr ago and they are just kicking in

2day i was sitting and leaned over slightly to get smth from the floor and it hurt so much my vision tunelled and i got dizzy & felt like my side muscles were melting!!every morning its ike a million little stars of pain wash over my body and drift in different places never settling. i cant do anything w my torso or turn around or lift my arms rn but hopefully that will stop in a few days, not to be pessimistic but i think the hand/jointt/muscle pain is here to stay. its a little sad but ill make it! very funny tho i think im goig crazy cause im actually under the belief that im making stuff happennwith my thoughts like everything i thought "wouldn't happen to me" is happening to me (even down to the specifics) so either i predict whats going to happen and it does, or the things i stated wouldnt happen play out just so. so im living in front of a glass table and i can see the faces of the cards onm both sides but it means nothing cause i cant play!

my mom is leaving for a few days soon she deserves a break so much but im worreied so much cause only my dad will be home !! i shouldn't be afraid though because im older and should take care of myself,

upped my ritalin dose by alot BUT pharma didnt have it so i coudlnt take my regular dose this morning and my school is stupid so they couldnt get it to me either somehow evn after it was dropped off....so i was falling asleep in every class. but i love ritalin soo much guys..i can stay awake for basically every class now its genuinely inxredible. to feel lawake during the day is like im actually alive u know? i kind of feel like im lliving for the first time in foeever

im trying to have better thoughts & think alot elss about religion(hard bc im surrounded constantly)

still absoutely PRAYING my hands dont get worse bc if i lost the ability to draw lowkey its over....i rlly doubt it but i cant say i doubt something or it will maybe happen so i need to rremain Neutral.

mentally im like gently drifting on a raft in a lake rn btw

also it has become more apparent my memories are not just bad they are Weird. there was some weird stuff in there !!!! i have skipped so much the past few years i think when im older i wont remember a thing tbh. i always have the feeling every memory/missing detail is somewhere but always unretrievable. my brain is one of those cork boards with rred string everywhere btw and sticky notes its not linear there are no years or measurement and everything is warped. Idk wat im yapping about BYE

perfer no irls for this but whatever tbh1!!

think im getting like a scary infection im PRAYING its not sepsis bro idk what sepsis looks like but im doomed if i have to go to a doctor for this, my skin is turning yellow in the areas but it could just be bruising(??) hopefully. ritalin is going GREAT except i cant shut up!! immediately after my lunchtime ritalin i started like life story dumping 2 this random 6th grader who i dont like that much but he was asking me questions and i know who he is so maybe it was ok, i dont know why, it feels infinitely better to overshare to ppl i dont care about. it was nothing super serious anyways but i feel as if im bleeding into the people around me! i hope i dont ruinhis life or sometthing i have a problem with befriending much younger kids that remind me of myself thinking i can save them or something, or its a selfish kind of face blindness where i keep seeng my exact face in otehr young kids[or a close resemblance] and eveen someone near my age and i just want 2 stare ay them forever not in a creepy way...or i see myself in the way they talk and i feel the need to not hate them bc they re younger than me and idk..mentally im not my age but im kind of al2ays mentally twelvel its difficult to see yourself as anything but a little kid when you are the size of one! and im back to only weighing 102 pounds, i thought i was getig better cause i made it to 108 at some pooint but its not very important. i don't feel the quantifiable age of twelve because i can't organize anything i experienced by age or grade, bc i dont remember what events happened what year. and idk what i was doing at age 12 but i think i wasnt having a good time and im happy now so i dont feel 12

i also feel like a bit of a different person, i dont think ritalin helps much iwth my focus but it makes me so happy i think its what a regular person feels like and its difficult getting used to. my pain is going no where btw i will never allow myself to be forced to take medicine that hurts me again!! today i felt like my spine and ribs back & shoulders was trying to kill me over and overr.

during a sermon a few days ago the guy said smth about "has the lord called you back?" wtf it stuck with me forever until today!! yes he called me back to see the corpse of my hometown and childhood and locked door and eevrything else

annoyed at todays sermon bc the guy said something like "silly atheists asking for proof and saying its too vague and they are dumb for not being able to believe in stuff thats not provable" DO YOU HEAR YOURSELF MY GUY. "you are DUMB for not believing in someething that has NO EVIDENCE" being up close to all this insanity is like. how do they have a response for EVERY SINGLE THING. when there is no proof they will go "u dont need prof god is real he shows himsellf in miracles" and when u have had a bad life w no miracles "god is doing this on purpose its his plan for you" and ur told to pray and it doesnt work but you shoudnt hate him for that! and if ur life goes right its because of him, itts not a coincidence! i could go on and on ok bye my hands r lkilling me

yesterday was fun but IM SO EXCITED FOR THIS BEAD SELLING EVENT IM GOING TO TOMORROW I CANT WIAT ACTUALY...shoutout ritalin caffiene combo becayse its actually saving me right now!!! the past few days im att my physical worst but tbhh feeling amazing...so happy etc. i rlly want to work on my about me and story page. i have lots ttp pu there. for the sbou me page i hada secion for. favorite arists but im no sure if i wanna do that cause it seems better 2 devote a full webpage to it...maybe it can just be my favorite media...i have to REMAKE the graphic title i drew for it ugh. iam having a nasty headache so i migh save that 4 later.

7:20pm / that headache was genuinely the worst ive had (withouot nausea) i couldnt move from lying facedown on the floor and my dad would NOT respond to any calls and i neeeded medicine but i couldnt move BOOOO im feeling better now but im really behind on studying rn so i hope i can catch up on that. still in an obnoxiously good mood!!

this will be kind of a tmi post bc i am so caffienated and sugared and stuff i cant shut up so yaa.. had 2 big caffiene drinks and los of sugar thingsand 4 ritalin so i got moitvated enough 2 study and work on a 1 page comic [tradiitonal] which i kinda like. hand/arm pain is getting MUCH worse at night ive noticed, i seriously cant deal, itsstabbing pains in my elbows and wrists and fingers and arm joints and SHOULDERS and omg. i draw so bad now guys cant hold. pencil cant do it...teachers keep dissappearing and 1 teacher i have reason 2 believe smth pretty bad but i am sueper reading into stuff and paranoid whne it comes to specific Things so probably not what i tthink. also my mom is threatening to leave the house for an indefinate period of time if certain events keep occurring & she is serious aboyt it so i made her promise to take me if she does and im praying she actually will

also im loving archer evn tho its so bad. it hits the spot of the EXACT kind of humor i like and needed idk what it is. something about the structure of the jokes, how casual and effortlessly stupid and vaguely meta and parody of itself

OCT 11---------------

ok last night was the worst yet i was in so much pain i got nauseated and botht arms were just killing me in every way!!! no further comment. i had a bad dream also

freajk mode DE ACTTIVATED. moved the last post tto my other page cause idk what i was on...but i donr wanna delete for archival purposes whatever. i have a couple hundred words tot memorize and like 10 math pages to catch up on including review packets (by sunday)so im cooked also cant visit a freaking doctor until like. way past next week and i dont evn thnik its gonna help because since. when have docors been useful to me!! quitting ritalin cause it does nothing, wrists arms hands absolutely killing me! listening to a lot of mareux recently . not much else to say

i swear to. god bro every time i. think it cant get worse!! im being punished nosure for whst tho. i am in so much pain i csn hardly type my arms fungers joits wrists throbbing,one. wrist covered w rred things, no medicine helps, im trying lidocaine patches and wearing braces and heatiing blankets and i am just lyyin onteh floor. i hav e so much stuff i need to do but i can t be bothered to tryr. i cant focus already & w the added pain its impossiblle

udapet still sucks but omg i fiund a song thats me. teh song is me the lyrics are ME OMGG I LOVE IT IMM I ...theh only. difference. is that some of the song talks about "You" as a diff person but those words. apply. to. me also...might keep editing the about me page and add that song aswell. im happy about itt

hii not much to say i jjst felt like updating....drawing some stuff and rewatching r&m and having general fun and games. i upped my ritalin dose and its making me ver y hyper and talkative oops... also ordered an amazon wrist brace bc i feel like each of my muscles have been individually tenderized. its rly cute tho its like...pale pink and white..not usually a fan but idc!! as for everything else i dont think a brace will work , probably the most immediate problem is my legs cause im having toruble walking n stuff . but all i can do is take medicine 4 it, andd it doesnt work unless i take a few more than im allowed to soooo

TMI WARNING idk what happened earlier i was jst sitting normrally and then threw up kind of. like i always feel nauseated b4 throwing up but just NO WARNING it ewas so werird i didnt evn eat anythg weird whateverß

im also building up a tolerance to alot of stuff like tylenol based medicine and especially excedrin cause i hardly go 24 hours woithout taking atleast something but idk how to get stuff to work[its not liek im choosing to take stuff my parents just give it to me] idk im gonna go write an essay goodBYE

6:42 UGHHH LITERALLY LIKE NOTHING WIRTTEN IM DOOMED IM doomed...i have to lock in but the ritalin is freaking me out and the wrist brace too but im making an efofrt im TRYING it.how am i suppsoed to write an essay when. i dont care what role dante played to virgil as his moral compass metaphorically and physically thrroughout their journey into the inferno.

theres a kid at school im liking less and less he. brought the anarchists cookbook to school and hid it in a different book....i hope he dies Tbh

anyways im locking in now

today sych bad pain day!!!everything hurts i can barely move qnd walk cause evrythg hurts!! had awful dreams ttonight that dont sound disturbing in retrospect but they scared me badly, and i keep having the skeleton dream as well, ill probbaly right it down on my dream page

10:36pm, omg i need ice and like 5 painkillers anf a hot bath and to be submerged in a pit of mud...........i swear i did literally nothing w my wrist and its now throbbing (non dominant hand as well) still having too much trouble walking and moving in general, i know its cause i otok tthe pill yesterday , i am very lucky shes lettting me tak e it less but it still hurts when i do, i wish she would let me quit cause im in constant pain andd for some reason itts worse than it's evr been ??mayb cause my system is. a little not used 2it??idk i can barely type now so good bye

guys im such a nxcre fan im such . Loving rock music alot recent,lt omg...

7:44 i am feeling terrible physically but mentally VERY WELL!!! started a new somg and 4 some reason all of it fel ltogether in like 2 days now im just working on extending it and building it as i go along tbh very little planning but its a fun experiment

left school early cays i felt superbad but actually that was half the reason the other s someone wouldnt stop talking 2 me during class and it was lowkey SO EMBARASING and annoying me so much please learn how to read social cues. on that note this is personal INFO. butmy results came back 4 diagnoses and im kidn of confused cause they said i have nvld and one of the key components of that is social communication difficulty whic maybe i get a TINY bit but not at all to the extent thet describe...maybe i am just completely oblivious but Idk. i kinda dont think its correct but what do i know!! i dont know what any of this means. none of these wprds are in the bible. i have neve even heard of this it was invented 20 years ago etc etc they are just calling me stuf at trhis point

i wante dto stay awake ttoday so i ate a whole packet of raw coffee beans and it WORKED but i feel soo so sick ughg i feel NASTY

update i feel ssooso sick and awful cant breathe well and nmy stomach is full of worms I am just t4ying to breathe and lie down but i have 4 drawings due tomorrow and hav to work on some memorization ALSO A LATINAND MATH TEST H ELP ME i need to skip tomorrow ughhggggggggggggggg praying im allowed

i am genuinely. SO confused. WHAT

psychiatrist kidn of said its normal to be tired for teenagers WHICH I GET but i gurantee this Extent isnt normal cause no one else is having this!!!1 of my friend started calline me Zombie which. Umm thankfully he stopped (and now every1 is calling me Weezer again which isnt much better) ALSO in art were working on a project that is LIGHT WORK im having do do Alot of trusting the process bubut i like color pencil.c...

-------------melon vs pumpkin war--------------

anyways b4 the appt i went to get a drink and myfriend wsd there so we chatted for a bit it was fun!! our minecraft server is kind of inactiv atm bevause of peoples school stuff but we have been planning a server arc THAT STARTED AS A JOKE ...butt itst gonna be pretty fun and im trying to collect footage while buildindg my base (made entirely out of melons) cause i want to MAKE A VIDEO...HAHA ..

thinking of commissioning a random person i kno online 2 animate something for mee (specifically for a visual for a song i've made , or one im planning) kinda excited cause his artstyle is soo neat nd silly and weird in an enjoyable way

also IM RYING SO HARD TO FINISH MY CHARACTER PAGE I PROMISEEEE theres so many characters ive fleshe dout in the time im stil ttrying to finish it..theres problem with the images. for border. Fish if ur reading this HELP ME. SOS I cant code

-------------character--------------

umm i want to rant about my Characters so much....what ive beenn doing the past 2 years is taking all of my placeholder characesr that were just names or nothing & giving them LORE and its very fun [even if they ge no screen time or die immediately] recenly i am drawing alot of this Girl named Europa (LIKE. THE MOON OF JUPITER. LIKE IO) excep she isntt...related to the character called io...shhh [major plot fail on my part ] OK ACTUALLY SHE IS RELATED BUT DISTANTLY AND KINDA BORINGLY .. her sister is Tireme aka girl named after a greek boat (Not on purpose dot com)

-------------till we havbe faces--------------

btw im cracking down on memorizing stuff for a school project and i always choose my piece at the LAS POSSIBLE SECOND but this one is kinda neat its soo . i wanna wrie about how Psyche/Orual paralell Cain/Abel but are different in some key ways BECAUSE THE SYMBOLISM IS SOOOOO COOLL i wanna make a song based on a few excerpts (the book is called "Till We Have Faces" by CS Lewis who iactually Dont like at all bc my dad never shuts up about him but thats unrelated

but he was kind of a fire writer cause he line "You also are psyche" goes hard after ascending to an astral plane of connection with your divine immortal sister who you betrayed when she was mortal but she forgave u and u share one essence

-------------daily dose of etymology--------------

also im failing latin kind of BUT THERES SUCH COOL LANGUAGE LIKE GUYS. "bellum bellum" latin homophones that mean beautiful & war depending on context. (like bella meaning beautiful and bellona, roman gpddess of war) also MALUM MALUM: BAD APPLE . THATS COOL

last thing, im gonna ttry ritalin soon so pls wish me luck !!!

ok first off im watching a bit of final space i dont like it tbh BUT OHH MY GOD THE. EPISODE 4 THING WITH THE EXPLLODING STAR SCENE....................BOOKMARKED IN MY BRAIN FOREVER.....SO SO SO JUST OMG..i hate the artstyle of the show i wish i could animate so i could reanimate that scene. dude...guys i love it soo much [not talking about the dad dying part i dont care about that because they artstyle makes it bad but the fact he stands there while seeing stuff but nott seeing his surroundings as he is slowly being burnt due to the star thats about tot explode in fornt of him and he has no idea !!! and u cant see his face the whoel time cause hes in space suit, and then it goes to his eyes that are just blank but hes still aliev (hes never been drawn w blank pupils b4 in the show)

okkkk thats all4 now byes

i need so much help bruh i last minute decided to add a latin background chorus to my song (IM. I KEEP SAYING THIS BUT ALMOSTTT FINISHED!!!)with 2 phrases im very familiar with (Adversus solem ne loquitor / deus vorator )

if ur interested, the first one is "do not speak against the sun" which is a latin proverb and the second refers to theophagy which TECHNICALLY has a translation of "theophagia" but it doesnt rhyme so i just literally translated "god devourer" which means the same

my issue is when rhyming end words, i hate when more than 2 or 3 end syllables rhyme and loquitor/vorator just SOOUND WEIRD RHYMED OKAY. THEY SOUND WEIRD AND BAD tthats my current dilemma

also i reallu want 2 try making a song thats latin, its one of the only languages i would feel OK messing up/using in song cause its not used any more so im not (for lack of better term) appropriatng anything!!! if i could id use every language al the time in eveyrthing like idfferent colors in a painting!!words i love them!!!etymology!!!

also love how flexible latin is , the words can go in p much. any order thanks to declensions & other stuff (which Are killing me in school now evb tho im only on the 2nd ) this shoulld IN THEORY make latin rhyming much easier

im thinking i'll jsyt look up definitions for words online, no way im usnig my textbook for this song it would take 8 years. and then i will translate back into english to make sure it vaguely keeps the same meaning

back from the trip i went to Colorado an d i sjould stop travelelinmg its nto easy for me or doable...i got sick [predictably] shocked that i am still capable of hate btw thats crazy

i had such silly dreams i need to finish my page 4 that...also page 4 story cause i want to wriet lots

what a consistent blog i have!! only 3 day post separation

i leave fro some where tomorrow & im done w my song BUTTTTT i have to rq go back into v synth and change a few words (just pronouns i wont have to rewrite anything) cause i mayeb switched up the lore a bit and made itt more fitting the song... also i had 3 test totday AND my dad is bing mean not news but still....hes on his neverending freak behavior..anlso i made A NEW friend i am goated [he is a new student] i also need 2 kind of stop attracting guys eho r definately redditors cause 4 some reason its either them or tutmblr girls who i end up being around.....reddittor son or tutmblr daughter.... REDDIT DAUGHTER OR TUMBLR SON...bet that gave you the HEEBIE JEEBIES.

btw guys i do desrve an award for finishing my 4min song EVN IF IT SOUNDS BAD cause after opening it for too long it glicthes & freezes and makes really BEEEEPPP noise but the scary version like a machine is dying and screaming in chipttune n HURTS MY EARS

im also so UGHGG u know.!! everything hurts my skin & face & head & shoulders & back & stomach & legs & jooints they all HURT ALL THETIME indiviidually and its so!

im so good at doing anythig at school except for learrning im trying SO HARD not to sleep but man im already failnig idk sorry chat....i was not locked in after all!!i always have this designated sheet of paper on hand [usually jus labelled "ideas"] caus sometimes i get inspo at school or learning a new latin thing or history or language or english class & i need to write it !!or when lyric bars pop into mind and i need them down asap

i think i started doing thsi back whn i wad p young in class & used likee. notecards to draw on but i ended up filling dozens of notecards cause i never could findthe same one so now i have my SPECIAL PAPER!! andd ive alrdyfilled up 1 so far i think is pretty good...i was in some class & designed a character to add to my Lore. And then she needed thgs weapon so i drew an entire blueprint and desiigned her a whole thing its kinda like a syringe swoord watergun combo idk how to explain

also guys i am so cringe i cant stopthigking aboutt chracters and lloore and Tropes and plots and

my brain is full of goop!!!m currently on a silly thoughts streak for several day scause i get soso bored in class

i kee p having dreams abuot this weird cliff

good night!!

Ok school is fine but u kno whats nt fine...im on a medicine i LITERALLY DONT WANT TO BE TAKING. it is PURELY COSMETIC...and ive asked so much to please stop taking it cvause the effects r really unpleasant but ikm not allowed + have to keep going for like a year,,,,,,,,,,this sucks

good news i WILL hopefully be rreleasing my first 3 songs soon!!! its a totally unrelated trio tho..[which is kinda sad like i want somehting COOL and SIGNIFICANT as my debut but Whatever.] the first 2 are Very Old unfortnately but i dont hate them so whatever , the first is called "Bitten Hand" and its v short, the second has no name i judt used 3 letters as a placeholder so idk what 2 do ab that, the 3rd is based off of a Character Of Mine. and its 4 minutes, its been like 90% done for a few weeks but im gonna try finishing everything this week!! im gonna go sleep now, i have school so wish me luckk

goign insane yesetrday night i was lying in bed and genuiely thoght i had overdosed or was experiencing liver failure beecause i was in such painaddn holy shit!!! it was just cause i took a bunch of stuff on an empty stomach i guess anyways HORRIBLE NEVER EVER EVER ODING THAT AHGAIN

also injured myself so many tmes on accodent my freaking knee is all red also the skin on my leg is scraped away on accidnet AND i slammed my finger in the door hinge guys what

what im actually regressing 2 when i was 9-11yrs with my music ...literallly insane btw im working on a project that i know i wonmt b interested in in a few days but i still want 2 try!! its a twine videogame, 1 issue is they are mainly story based and kinds text heavy but i have A SOLUTION. the one im making is a laboratory simulator (mostly tex tbut ill try to illustrate) where theres a mystery thinig to solve or just explore and also u can gain a weird power or ability based on what object you chose to interact with

i am NOT EXCITED FOR SCHOOL MANNN OMG...3 days....trying to do mental gymnastics to feeel ok about school starting like "its better 4 me since i have been bedrotting the whole summer" its just too hot to enjoy outside anyways

having trouble drawing faces recenttly uggh its always how nonlinear it is

i think im done w my show speedrunning experience. overall would rate Shows in general at a 6/10 . illprobably make a round up of every show i finished during summer....my fav is still SP tho.. my media consumption era is OVER!!! i have started listening to chuckle sandwitch tho , i tried it maybe 2-3 yrs ago and it wasnt for me but im kinda enjoying

also got my retesting done finally it was soo awkward when they asked me personal questions EWWWWW we mostly just did the puzzles and stuff. GOODBYE!!! iill totally publish my game when i've gotten to a good save point

i freaking hate this medicine im on 2 fix my skin i want 2 get off it so much but my Dear mother will not allow...it makes my whole body so sore ive spentthe past 5 days on the floor of my room with a heating blanket wrapped around me theres actually a tray for dishes of food because im spendng every hour here i havent gone outside at all!! it hurts to move and everything but as. long as i stay still i should be fine IDK WHAT TO DO DURING SCHOOL OH GOD BRO... my testing for Diseases n such is from the 14th to the 16hth i think, each day is either 5 , 4 or 3 hours i justhope it ends asap so i can get the accomodations or whatever praying hands emoji

ifreaking love my heating blanket. i feel like a warmr hot dog being microwaved in blankets slowly

GUYS MY STOMACH GURTS SO MUCH I VANT MOVE BROOOOOO

yesterday was so b ad im never taking quelbree again i had to actually coach myself thru eating a single peach in the morning just 2 mtabolize my medicn

i putt this up front cause itts kinda important i need people to know that figuring out numbers and calculating logistics actually gives me physical pain its not just struggling 2 add numbers!! its like the pieces are so scattered that ttryng to jointhem HURTS my head and makes me want to scream!! very simple logistical/mathematical things make me Really Really Upset. also math frusturates me to the point of physical pain aswell[very frequently] tbh the easiest way 2 make me cry is making me try to Genuinely Understand a math problem

HELP ME BRO THE HEAD PAIN IS BACK OHMYGOD....its been at a base level for a couple weeks or month or 2, like a 1 out of 10 pain scale but now its like a 4 (and constant) so like. IM SO SCARED ITS GONNA GET WORSEand right b4 school too...i got anice shopping haul recently i will Tryy toatach photosbut . idk

PS stomach book thank u for the BANGER !!!!!

6:31PM -- OUCHYOUCHH I amhaving. floor time and organized all. my stickers in a binder but the sinus pressure is. Yeahz1 im trying to draw a sticker sheet, i REALLY need a website that dropships entire sticker sheets instead of just individuals--althe regular places like stickermule & redbubble only d oindividuals but i rlly want to sell a whole sheet sigh

i swear if this doesnt clear up by school im. im going ballistic im. actually soo tired of living and balling .....tired of trucking through

10:14, I FOUND A STICKER VENDOR FINALLYYYY its cheap and custom everything & perfect i thinkk so ill b finishing lineart and colors tmrw hopefully but i tried to figure out some dimension stuff and actually shut down s oo im gonnna go 2 bed now

im mdoing better cause i quit 1 medicine LOL i just Really. Like rally need smth to work before school but oh well

my mom was on the phone mkaing some appt and she called me 2e WHICH IS A LITTLE SILLY I DONT THINK THAT APPLIES AT ALL but whatever...

2 days ago i started going gluten & dairy free! i havent had it since then, im still gna b ok with eating it i guess but im ttrying to cut down ALOT just for health stuff, trying everyhing i can

my dreams are soo weird they are alll in totally diff locaations then the 1s ive had for my whole life...idk weird

Hrlpp i hadthe most horrific dream!!debating putting it here or finishing the Dream Page anwyas today was so awful @ some point i had to get up & walk to the park nad i had to sit down on the way, and when i got there i collapsed onto my blanket and coildnt move very welel so i got picked up + it was too hot but atleast i ttried!! we got an at home walking pad but i couldn use for lnog without tmy vision going black evn tho ive eaten los of meat today i felt like i was geneuinely disinegrating & i am also paranoid but This is not the place 2 write about that!!i am once again physically declining and cant do nything about it

Boringaa health Update

ok chat a few days ago i wrote paragraphs in notes app like 'i need help i Cant keep. doing gthis iNEED HELP' cause ive started taking3 naps perday & going 2. bed at 8pm!!!and. my mom recently had me fill out formstot go 2 a doctor AND IM SOO GLAD OMG..cause i actually cant do another repeat of last year sleeping in class i think my resolve died !!![inever had any what]but i am Tryingg bro im tryng tto eat super protein in the motnings ,2day i had 3 piece cooked chicken (Fire emoji) I just wanna ge tbetter &stop feeling so awful Giggle!!! lowk have so many appts scheduled for soon, not evn on purpose Also i started a thing that might affect my mood negatively so i hope it will keep being Ok!!Havent paricularlu been likeI wanna kms recentlyso Yayy

Jul 28

Soo unfortunate i cant gett a doctor apptearlier cause guys im like.living in a dead body i actually feel like a zombie i will kms if i cant be more Awake this year i hate lving like this so much!!!t. e closer to school starting i get the more helpless ifeel like im. living in a nightmare!! its not evn that bad ig i just cant stand this

evn worse i cant do anything but complain like ivhav tried everything 2 fix this man

i amConsiiderng drastic measures becaus if i have 2 keep slogging thru school like that im gonna Shoot Myself Bybeye chat!!

. In so much pain rn i cant sleep, ive gotten up at 3am for the past week and my back hurts so much its a stabbing pain, used up all my nausea relief yesterday so i didnt have anything for like 5 hours i was just lying in bed trying to adjust myself so i couldnt feel it as badly but i couldn't move around much I took several nausea chewable tablets but they didnt help,.igot 2 sleep and now im awake and it hurts so much ohmygod btw i quit my new medicine cause im not well enough in general rn to be trying stugf i think

sorry 4 complaining 24/7 man eevrythijg hurts and im aick of it my legs also...

omg im so tired i cant function !!!i have spent all day in bed omgim just gonna try 2 sleep early id k what to do...i started new medication 2 days ago but the proble m is,idk if its that or jetlag or having a cold thats making me so tired. havent noticed any effects apart from my mouth being totally dry tho

guys why the freak did i los emy apple pencil. omg

back from london lots of pics to shaer so might make a new webpage or redo the photography page so it has a tagging and/pr description system LOLS

Im gonna complain and b super overdramatic just a headds up!!

btw i have so much positive stuff 2 say about the tri p but im saving that for a webpage im gonna make dedicated 2 it...this is just ranting sory chat...

im soso glad i went pn the trip esp w my BESTIE !!!!#BONDING TIME but i feel like i dragged everyone down by being so Freaky... like so upsetting and lame cause i KNOW it just looks stupid like Sorry i cant do this event or go outside !! i am ALLERGIC to The Sounds. And Colors btw. THAT SOUNDS FREAKING STUPID im actually retarded!!!!!😀😀😀😀I was probably the most exhausted i have ever bveen in my life igenuienly dont know how i made it, my body was basically running on autopilot the whole time so it felt like i wasnt rly there or it was a simulation cause my memory rly warpedstuff and it looked different i don know

i got so so sick and omg...i have mever been more overwhelmed by crowds and stuff it was like being in target forever!! inescapable perfume counter !! when im at my worst usually i just repeat something/a phrase over and over inmy head until its done, like Keep walkng , there is no point in trying to explain it so idk what i was doing writing this i just wish .I had a better excuse for being so tired like an actual illness!!

thank GOD my momgets itt, she has the same issue but milderbut she Gets Me. My mom is AWESOME!!! btw my dad and brotehr r leaving for a while HELL YEAH IM SO EXCITED OMGGG

I. wish icould handle basic stuff & There is no point denying smething is wrong with me i can barely go iin stores i cant remember to eat or wash my hair or bathe or Anything, i spendall day in bed, i quit the medicinrr that was apparently making me tired AND IM STLL TIRED liiek an abnormal amount that makes me fall asleep during regular activities ITS ACTUALLY SO EMBARASSING. OMFG i have a reputation at school😢For sleeping thry every class & its even morestupid. because all of theseissues have DIRECT SOLUTIONS. Just dothe thing!! Just eat and drink on ttime!! Just get up in the morning and have caffiene!! Just go on a walk!! LIKE I KNOW I COUDL FIX IT ALL BY DOIGN THAT I JUST CANT ....So its stupid to complain about it i Know!! i know dawg

jult 24 - i feel sososo bad and so sick omfg my back hurts so badly!!and im super nauseated i cant even think

SOO EXCITED FOR PLANE TIME THEN LONDON... my legs are so tired it ctually Hurts me to walk bc my legs are shaking so much what is wrong w me!!! cufrenlty speed downloading mysic 4 the plane,[uploading to nightcore studio not actully downloading] wll just use the airprort wifi and download a book I LOOVE AIRPORTS...AERODROME...MORNING IN THE AERODROME TEH WEATHER WARM BUT HE IS COLDER KATE BUSH MOMENT!!

focusing on drawing alot of side characters 4 my story giggle...futurama is kinda neat ...anywas bye

excited to go to london!!! im so bored rn also my friend fhad 2 get picked up. by paramedics after faniting on a plane so im hoping i get an update on that soon.....maybe i will work on my lyrics page or something!! ill probably go eat more ice cream now. also might draw some stuff i need 2 fill out some reference sheets which i dont want to do...s

I dont say this enough but Omg crystal castles. Is so good. Top 5 bands forevr. Courtship dating is SO GOOD.

-------july 1------

chat i WILL be oversharing btw

working on a logistics sheet for my Fiction World its taking SO LONG BRO its just paragraohs explaining the Science system or whatever....btw im so nauseaated rn and i dont know how but i have been hungry for the past 2 days which i haevnt been in So Long. Also DUDE THIS IS SO FREAKING ANNOYING I CAN NO LONGER LIE DOWN ON MY STOMACH ON LIKE. NOT SUPER SOFT SURFACES because my bones are TOO SHARP or something Hashtag what ANYWAYS IT KINDA..SUCKS..i had to hold onto the walls in th e shower but i Survived. Btw excited for london but i maay have a sliight priblem becayse my medicine has made me unable to experience the epic highs and lows of college football(life) like i dont get sad or anything as much but i also am just . 110% neutral All The Time... Dont know if this is uspposed to happen!! basically teh past 2 years tho so WE BALLL!!!!just wish i felt the hype cause i have been looking forward 2 this trip Ever Since I Got here Bucket list moment!!!at this point i just wanna tell my doctor "xan we start over with the medicine from scratch" and try different things for everything cause Ermmbtw i still cant sleep well im soo desprate i woke at 5am cause i was so hungry , stayed up, slept on the couch till 12 HOWEVER i think caffiene is helping me thank god bro!! gott my daily drinks back again because i need energy so bad! my mom kinda gott mad cause i couldnt stop sleeping for a few days earlier like usually i just sit in bed but then i wasnt evn doing stuff just actuak sleeping ...i dont wanna b Lethargic on the trip that would suck OK I AM ACTUALLY KINDA EXCITED FOR TH AIRPORT. NOT GONNA LIE. Might cry when i arrive!!

akot of the places i want 2 go arent like. Touristy they are just gonna b boring 4 everyone else probably BUT I MIGHT CRY WEHN I RETURN TO MY CHILDHOOD PLAYGROUNDS....playgrounds r so important to me.......smiley emoji

also excited to be away from The House for 2 weeks!! my mom says my dad is being mentally ill and insane which i didnt actually notice until this year but i could swear he wasnt always like This [and after being weird, the next day he wil act Super Nice to make up for it]

ok byebye!! i want mro caffiene..

NO IRL!!! Personal imfo time!! Overshare time

i am SO SORRY to everyone who kmew me in 2021 around that time cause i was just going thru notes i wrote in 2020 [on notes app] and Good Lord. I dont say this lightly but there Was something SO QRONG with me omg...i was so weird wtf like. Genuinely disturbing how violent and just WEIRDD i was!!!!WHAT TTHE FREAK....i always say this to myself but i kind of dont understand where it came from literally nothing bad happened to me at ALL as a kid. like i wasnt exposed to ANYTHING i didnt even have internet yet i have the most vivid memorues of imagining/picturing horrible stuff happening to people around me and I've briefly mentioned this to liek 1 friend i think but not the full extent of it!! and ive been trying to Not be upset about this thing i remembered recently I CANT WIPE IT OFF MY BRAIN ITS SOO BAD IHATE IT THE MORE I TALK ABOUT UT THE MORE I CANT FORGET I JUST WANNA FORGET!!!!I WANNA FORGET SOO BAD I WISH LIKE. GOD i wish i was educated as a little kid i wouldnt have made so many mistakes i didnt know anything but WHY did no one tell me anything this is so fukced up!!ANyways sometimes i just Rremember things that Happened and im like Woah. Like i knew this happened but it wasnt in my brain u know..i think i circle thru the same few memories very very often and everything else just drains away. i thin k my memory works weird [either that or other people dont talk about their memories that are like mine] 4 example, [at least 10 years ago] i forgot the idea i was going to say and at the same time, pictured a wolf in my head. to this day when i forget an idea, i picture that same place and that same wolf. idk this is so off topic. i hope i delete this i just want to forget . i wish i had known mor e

GUYS OK i needed something stupid and mindless to watch while drawing so i looked up stuff & found SOlar Opposites and i hate it tbh but everyone was talking about how good "The Wall" is but NO ONE was explaining it so i started watching t, thinking Oh just another very Mid show...and OHMYGOD. THE WALL IS SO COOL. TGE WALL IS WORTH THE HYPE. THIS IS ACTUALLY SO COOL. Whoever directed tgis show Completelt Ate with that concept. i Understand tge hype. Now I Understand. Anyways i hate bthe artstyle and everything im ONLY watching thisfor the wall or until i can find somethinf better

No Irl!!

So needing food that i have a headache so i went downstairs 2 ask my dad 2 get food!! he couldntunderstand so i said i would text. him when i thought of what to get. I get upstairs and my brother is making weir gros noises 2 annoy him so i Text my father with Food request and say Tell [my brother] 2 stop making noises. He then lectures me and sayss exactly "I will not do what you tell me to. I don't work for you, I am not your child. Try asking for a change. Nicely." A while later he walks upstairs, lectures me and brings me a plate of crackers with barbecue sauce and pickles(also 2 pills i dont know the names of) the smell is making me very sick

whjenever im on a treadmill i fr forget to breathe if that makes sense(like my breathing is very still and its not on autopilot anymore idk) so i always get major headaches afterwards !!!Yikes!! since i quit my medicine ive stoppe having big migraine almst completely so yay!! i am TIRED..

----june 25-------

i have to vsit my ddoctor today at 1:30 BOOOO i think i have to do a bunch of retesting 4 stuff but idk if thats today or its just the regular checkup rn!!! i am in Desperat need of working focus medicine that doesnt make me severely nauseated, exhsusted or give me migraiens!!!

Pulling out my NO IRLS card. Thats right NO IRLS beyond this point. Its nothing bad just personal info!!!GOODBYE

i am P sure at some point im getting tested for ASD but i am secretl hoping i can. get tested for another thing which Idk how t o explain and i dont want 2 explain to anyonee actually ....i am only doing this to fulfill my Curiosity because im Curious George. Moment. Anyways i literally have no idea how adhd and asd intersect cause it wasnt a MIS diagnosis per say more likee. v difficult to tell the difference [FOR ME, OBJECTIVELY] between sensory issues & adhd pair VS autism which can look super similar but i probably DONT have it cause dont have strict schedule obseessions [which could just be Audhd .....] and the ONLY reason im investigating autism is bevause i need to find a n explanation 4 certain Behaviors of mine cause all ofmy behavior p much aligns with schizoid personality disordeer , which im Not interested in curing if i even have[its not a curable thing rly] & i have done So Much Freaking Research. zCause i dont wanna b stupid and i hate self diagnoses buyt i Need to atleast head in the right direction & often the antisocial aspects of autism r confused with spd or vice-versa so i wanna make sure i have NIXED the possibility of both being an option. KNowing me tho i wont bring any of these up at the doctor actually...Guys this is so embarassing im. Actually so embarassed i hate this. This is do cringe

guys i have a love hate relationship with r & m....some stuff is actually good but its surrounded by so much other stuff whatever , its entertaining. i love the evil twin thing and thee evil mind control alternate universe thnig but im only on s3...so ive only gotten hints of where thats going

i appreciate most of the characters they are just good but the show is generally overrated, i tgink the trope of narsissistic wife and lamestupid dad is overdone tbh ! i think mortys way of keeping his daughter safe in an imaginary world is crazy tho anyways

i rly wanna use the rarebit html template for a comic but unfortunately i cant draw !!! i have plans for one but it would b more of a slice of life fantasy/sci fi ish (inthe sense that all the magicis operated by machines) buti. SUPER want mecha stuff involved and i cant drawthat boohoo. too many symmetrical lines....one time i launched this comic on ibis paint and it got like 70 followers which is crazy (i had 2 overall and a side comic got 50 i think) it was nuts but i had to delete everything ages ago oh well. there was like no plot i lowkey let the characters do whatever and it was for practice anyways

i have to go organize ideas and transfer them from notes to notion. cause im trying 2 use that as a system

10:27 pm i sthe perfect time for my dad to be the manchild he is...currently yelling about how people STEAL his STUFF GRRRR even tho we are in the sme HOUSE...Like ok

oomg sp s25 episodee 5 the depiction of teenagers is SO FUNNY. its so accurate.people actually talk like that.its horirble.. im So bored i want to play minercft but NOBODY is available....

10:28 / normal day tbh i just stayed in bed the whole day and i cant move much ever like dead weight, i got to plya minecraft with 2 people so thats what i wanted most

chat for my brhthday can i be allwoed to wear longsleve without any comment my birtdhay is tomorrow Wow!! WHY CANT I WEAR LONGSLEEVES ALL THE TIM IM SOO YPSET LOWK. iwas wakkiing outside and felt so messed up omg Why Is summer Why cant. Why do i have tot wear shoort sleeve literallly dont care actuakly but . i just know stuff is gonna stay permanently & cant expect it to go awa y anytime soon this Frekaing sucskk EEWWWWWWWFeel so ew!! i saw a rat on my walk today and a dead squirrel yester day ............i want to be a bug on a leaf in a jar..........iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii this is so balls dude!! everything is balls

having Cant Sleep recenetly also having soo much trouble eating recently its ont evn nausea sime of the time, its just negative hungry!! i am lucky if i can stoamch a single meal tbh drinks are fine but i dont know why i cant eat !!!i've always had a plan for the moment i get out of this house i just have to be patient i dont want to be patient.....!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!im tired of waititng & i want to feel awesome

warning this is like. soo long for no reason i am feelng hyper and silly because i quit another medicine [THIs Is. LIK THE 6TH ONE I HAVE TRIED FOR THIS ISSUE.NOT EVN KIDDIG WHAT I SGOING ON...Just give me crack at thispoint

dont read i write 8 paragraohs its actually so bad looking back

i have so much to say about sp..every time i think ive finished theres more seasnps or something, i was scouring wco tv for more and i found that i hadnt watched season 13 which IS ACTUALLY ONE OF THE BEST ONES..asied from season 5 OHMYGOD TURNS OUT I HAVENT FINISHED 14 EITHER LETS GOO everything is stupidly out of order because i looked up "funniest episods" watched all those and then watched onwards from like 13 while skipping stuff apparently, then got desperate after watching 5-13 and watched 1-5 ..anwyasy my favorite episodes alltogether are wacky (blannk) adventure [not beinause its unusually good or anything, i jus love the trope ], butters very own episode, all of the superhero stuff [esp involving mysterion] also love the game of thrones themed black friday trilogy [ i have never seen game of thrones] , i forgot if anything else... recent stuff is Ok but tegridy farms isnt super funny because its too obvious, like living on a weed farm is kind of. The joke is already there u know!! also i like all of the kenny lore episodes like the one where the ctuthlu cult thing is explained

i feel like actual play dough i havent gotten good sleep for 5 days , i Thought it was new medicine so i quit yesterday but last night was just as bad [woke up at 4am] and everynight the covers are all thrown off my bed like i've been running in my sleep!! also skin formication ive been noticing more [probably just cayse i cant sleep in general] but it makes resting so difficult i have 2 shift 24/7, i always want to rip the bugs out but i know if i do , the sensation will pop up elsewhere!! i forget how FREAKING ITCHY scars are but idk just sleeping in general sucks...omg also ive gotten kinda freaked out bevcuas a v large scar just kinda Halved in size which i have read about but didnt really notice, and im afraid it will be Gone. in like. 2 years. or eevn sooner cause i totally remember it was bigger when recent

thinking of finding something like pressurized beanbags w weights in them to put on me when i sleep, i have 2 blankets that should amount to 90 pounds total but thats Not enough [+ a stuffed dog with weights] i might actually repurpose that and put even more weights in her!! ive also been soo nauseated btw my mother suggests it wasny medicine but lack of food which its summer what am i gonna do to remember.. but i did only have a small meal yesterday so maybe, Btw we got this incredible icecream ist chocolate w Chocolate chunks and liek. chocolate cups w truffle in them..etc...!!looping love d&g now, i will probably draw, theres a new rendering style id like to try

-------------rambling abnout characters In my Head----

7:35! headches all day cause i dont think i ate or anything els i should have done UGGHHHGG i drew some..spent like 30 minutes trying to draw eyes. Dude i need a consistent style so much but i juyst have 2 much fun with eyes. also been working on some character stuff recently..like fleshing out a side character who now has way too much lore idk how i can fit it into anything but its FINE...what happened was i listened to army dreamers by kate bush too many times and my brain supercollided the song with the character and I HAVE SO MANY IDEAS I LOVE THINKING ...EHLP ME.. once agani nerd brain is causing problems cause he was originally named Albatross [no bird affiliation] then stuff shifted alot and now birds are central to the Lore so he had to be albatross based. but then i was like Guys. Sea hawks [i was obsessed in like 2nd grade omg] but then i discovered Lyrebirds.so iddk whats oing on..literally made his design based off of a kind of seahawk falcon thingy.

u guys dont evn understand this is literally the onlty thing i think abooutt. like. i dont talk abouot it almost ever but it consumes me every day

im extremely feeling wack atm i went Generally Insane earlier. cause medicine maybe, but anyways i will explain Albatross because i am feeling silly

he was a village idiot kinda guy who was sent off to the army and he sucks so bad at fighting!!but he can sing So Well..so everrytime the army group gets captured they keep him alive for entertainment!!he switches sides of the battlefield back and forth so much he doesnt evn know what 2 dbelieve .. so he learns how to be Useful and do the 1 thing he can ..and eventually he sticks with this group & makes friends but they all are about to Die. & one of the army people saves him (sacrificing everyone else) because violence is terrible but Albatross is the only one who can truly do something good (??singing) creative/worthwile no. desytructive pursuit. So Albatross eventually wanders back to his village as the lone survivor and everyones like "whatabout the people we actually wantrd back" and he breaks the news so everyone hates him and hes useless! and he runs away and becomes an alchoholic self fulfilling wasteful prophecy & is forever tormented by hallucinations of his army comrades, totally random stuff like auditory directions from the dead drill instructor & random noises! and then he triggers the main plot event in a drunken stupor adventuring but i cant get into all that

1 more thing i want to rant about, i have thoyght ive had Dermatillomania or atleast adjacent habits 4 my entire life im just compulsive abot picking everything in general & the doctor said i would have Permanent Torso Scarring because of that so thats...FINEalsoo so unrelate dbut im getting the most ranodm urges and i think its the medicine agai n which makes no sense so its probably ..Psychosomatic or just the pain medicine i took earlier u know when u take something and ur vision gets brighter than usual thats what im having...

47 is my favorite lucky number! today is not so lucky though! i woke upa few min ago and was called downstairs(almost fel over & had to wave my hand infront of my eyes till i could see for a good 15 seconds)walk downstairs & i sit down 0for maybe 8 seconds . my dad is yelling at me because i "attacked him" (accidentially pointed out an incorrect fact about golf that he's watching) (i was trying to be conversational as he was talking to me) (i was usnig a neutral gentle tone of voice) (i ask him gently to clarify did he mean to say "attacked") (i leave as sooon as possible) (didnt get to take my meds) (i literally need my medicine and i depend on it to function correctly) (couldnt eat) (he is now ranting to my brother about whatever i did wrong)(ai need foodd because i almost passed out) leave the house to go to the doctor etc

such a day!! woke up in the mpst weird state of my life i thought something bad happened in my sleep which was not the case, now i am shakng and dfeel like im going To vomit, woke up with a headache, im LITERALLY out of options i have no options i have to Find soemthing else idk what it is , iam trying to draw but i am havingtrouble because my hands are twitching and its. Goofy and weirdok bye

alsoworked on a song alot im. having trouble since vocals are ealanor but i wanna change them But it would take tooo long to tune sepsrate ones. painting digitally but my hands are having ACTUAL TREMORS what is Up with thhat

Life Update!!

have not felt so nice and safe in a while i feel like a bug in a lttle dirt hole !!!sitting in bed w art stuff and. Chocolate icecream popsicle thingy. So Content. Im dso. My dad is te only one home but he is so far far away and i feel so nice an cozy!!!!

I am trying to . What s the phrase. Keep up the inner crutch..,.dont want the crutch to slip!! i Am On the verge!! i need to . Be a person, do something, i am not sure wha t to do,its the. same problems its the same + resurfacing of the thought "i am running out of time" & idont like where that leads & i dont know why & this is only temporary

1:33 am, i am feeling so much worse and listening to music and tryign to feel better !!I wanna feel better !!I have Not felt this unstable since !! ALSO FOR GODS SAEK I AM IN THE MDDLE OF A MOMENT AND BEING BOMBARDED WITH ADULT WEBSITES FOLLOWING ME ON NEOCITIES PLEASE CUT IT OUT

i wish it wasnt june yet i am not read y for themonths to keep passing!!!

7:58pm, i had an awful headache and allergies but i ate so imrecovering!! i dont think ill b able to live on my own honestly and it sucks, i cant evn feed myself caus i dont get hungry but im trying to atleast do somethinig. i feel kinda nice and cozy now!!! i should have broought more excedrin tho...

9:03, ANOTHER UPDATE?!?!? the Boredom wow!! probably gonna stay up & watch shows, gonna try clone high and/or total drama island [i have never seen these they cou;d be trash but i will Try] also DRAWING...found some cool art today that fed my brain alot!! still rendering a drawing its taking FOREVERR heres a pic

here is a random color test i did a while ago since im not planning to put on main art page

most of my art has been draw w micron tho i havent been productive , just laying in bed for the past 2 days as per usual! hopefully i can draw some more stuff

10:18pm im working on the hair No idea What im doing w/it. Colors?? all of them!!! use every color thumbs up! i am keeping myself distracted EFFECTIVELy im literally coping rn !!but when i get home!!! what will. happen...stay tuned. i havent seen the sun in 2 days so i need to go outside as soon as i get home,im gonna brig a blanket and food & tak tons of claritin and stay there until the sunlight Cures my Illnesses. btw clone high is neat i enjoy joan's religious auditory hallucinations!and Ghandi is silly..mandatory silly Guy nerd reminds me of that guy from the other show i forgot

12:57 chat im shaking so much idk what to do.....i feel sickkk

Life Update!!

ther was a storm that woke me up at 5 am yesterday & it was SO SO LOUD ,, when i wentoutside there was trash and split treesand wires. everywhere. & roof tiles. My space bar isnt working well rnwhoops we movd ourstuffintoa hotel untilwegot power but we still dont have wifi, my mom isgoing 2 a funeral. for 3 days so im stayonog with my grandmother because my dad Isnt the Best/Most reliable option...im just drawing/working on a song and stuff !!loev how this is so gfar

as u can see im making a todo page wgich has been delayed becauseof the Storm! im also going on new medicine to see if it helps me 2 have lessfatigue ! Many days my brain wants to do things & i need fun an d stimulation but i cant get up !

schools out!! i felt something on my neck and oulled a bug out , i gtook photograph so i coudl identify, and thne i finished exams, made sure it didnt do anny damage to attenpt keeping somatic paranoia in check

a novel

so one thing lead to another and now i have a 47 chapter novel planned. im not quite sure what im doing or how i got here

the idea was literally "i should write an idea for soemthing as a joke book i could actuallyplan out 4 fun" and now i have a full plot and outline and stuff im not sure where this is gonna go

i just. havent had a day in the past ..4 or 5 weeks when im not in cnstant pain , started my medicine back up this morning and slept theough Every Single Class. I have never been this exhausted inn my life i fe,t like a zombie operating in an already deceased thing , i slept everywherr i could and mostly felt barely alive & heart beat so slow like i was hibernating in my own skin like the floorboarsd and i'm an open face casket

mentallly doing o great!! super happy with how my creative projects are turning out so Im Coping! blood sugar levels have got me DECEASEDso much my vision was affected 4 a while liek could barely see just walkng around zombie mode....i really went nonverbal at te function AND OH SHOOT i have this graduation thing 2 attend which is a major pain in the ass hooefylly i can find my earplugs or im cooked, i was planning to finish knives out w/my mom but i might just collapse!Whatever is happenong to me i Dont think people were supposed to undergo it

IMSOO. HAPPY WITH HOW MY GIRL SONG IS TURNING OUT..LOLL

im also passing bio so yippe

11:36 / Btw my dad is evil so so so evil

may 18 7:47 I feel insane because nothing is linear and i haev sat in bed all day i need some form of structr PLEASSSS ALSO ON NEW MEDICIN.....YAIPPEY I DONt noice anyth ing..

this is mainly for me to note my side effects LOL but any1 can read if u Actually Want !

off my intunive for a few days and OH BOY IM SO GLAD I HAVE IT because i genuinely cant function on my own dawg...how was i pulling 60s last year still with raw unmedicated brain. How was i doing that.

first noticeable change was my vision--i know that sounds odd but it was like suddenly i can see Everything at the same time and its like everything is kinda bending 2wards the object im looking at so im "focusing" on 1 thing but i am very aware of the vibrance of everything else on every side of my body & i cant filter out anything

i Cant start homework! its The Paralysis again! i cant explain this to anyone who hasnt experienced it but i Cant Do Homework. I cant Start. it i cant I Can Not....Its 8:03 now and i cant even look at anything i cant do it if God descended from the heavens & told me to get a move on i would go back on pinterest i cant 4the life of me do anything

i noticed todsy i cant actually remember stuff or hold it in my head which was SO WEIRD. i was trying to copy some words from a paper and i actually couldnt & gave up!!!i couldnt do it!! i cant remember long enough while im looking away! i forget in the space between looking back at my own paper how sick

the urg to stay up every. night has returned!!!!

LESS EEPY!!!! but is it worth it??

also Dude...found this incredibly informative channel regarding some Thing and its seeming more relatable day by day !!Help me

anything but studying which im supposed to , just wanted to say Wow every day dude the internet surprises me just wow iisnt that crazy! need to make a. page dedicated to teh Wackiest things ive found [. not including obvious shock content] just really Bizarre stuff!!i cant understand everythig on. here but i try & repeatedly come back to stuff like puzzles 2 understand / i am slowly Invaiding and Coming Acros every single internet community so i can SPY on people and know what they r Doing and Why

c.h at we did it i am finallyat 3 digit number at last !! Claps

watching matrix its good

random sicknes + got bad as ssoon as i quit the meds so i went back 4 more, and have quit guanfacine but ohmyfod i need i5t back NOW this is NOT WORKING i cant get. anything done i an absolytely task-paralyzed i cant study or do homework for shit dawg!!!plus im STILL TIRED ...only a week or so left of school ndd off the guanfacine tho so ill probably survive

we dissected pigs the other day it was kinda neat, i could hold the entire long intestine in my cupped hand & iiim. glad thr was no blood or anythin caus then i would have dreamed about it but i dont think ive. had any ddreams. with the pig! its nott evil to desecrate and rip apart a young body & sever te head & hold it's lif ein my hands and then throw it away after? is it allowed still? think im more and more schizoid by the day feeling liek this isnt gonna end or how 2 assure it wont continue, its easier tto stay in such a state

im always feel liek robot in the brain..dont feel any Things!! except physkcal! yahoo

general pain is over im so soso tired of this so tired

Me when i thought my head pain was fixed !!!!Have called the doctor annd left 6 voice mails!!No responnse. Metal rod dashing my brains out rn!! nnothing to do Cant eat . Can nnot do much of anything

12:45 update: they maed us PAY for a return visit becauyse we crossed the 2 day threshold DESPITE the fact we called 9 times in the past 4 days and they have not responnded. we left 8 separate messages all the same . the medicine re-assignment was 5 min it could have been done over the phone

2:11 update: shaking alot and hurt but distracting as best as possible

if any irl read this i cannot atress this enough DONT WORRY 4 ME OR FEEL BAD i am actually very mentally well!!! im SOO HUNGRY OH MY GOD hopefulluy food comig home soonn

wnet insane today !! i started cryingdring break fast forNNO REASON. AT ALL DUDE???cause my hands n everythin felt so bad i honestly thought something horirble happen 2 mein my sleep & was. Reallyy weird but people in my hpuse tbh should start believing me whne i say "i am having an alelrgic reaction" or "this medicine is havinng this effect onn me " instead of thinking thye know better & more about how stuff affeects me! anwyays i have stopped SWELLING which is great i no longeer feel like a pillow slash balloon...HOMEWORK THO OMG I HTA THIS SO MUCH i Hat estudying os much chat help me

the metal rod head is GONE PRAYING EEMOJI!!!!!!!!! on the other hand How Am I Gonna....Function if this keeps happening...dont know ho to keep living And goinng through the motions if this never stops

also omg sorry thee last 50 blog posts have been me complaining about Medical Thingz i think im gonna rename the blog ot just make it more clear that there is nothing else but that here

tdoay was s exhausting i asked not. 2 go 2school but was made 2go, felt insane, was suggested to take more medicine, refrainned frm screaming andd kicking things atschool & went to doctor & diagnosed with what i thought i had & passed out for hours & bodyis exhaustedSO TIRED...STILL HURTING>...melon & the coconut is so good sad song its Yes!! i am tired of every thimg idk i am. tired of living tge same events & catualy never mind im listening to dreamland again I WALWAYS RETUIRN TO GLASS ANIMALS IN THE SUMMER.....NEAR SUMMER....glass animals my beloved..gonna go work on a lore webpage design bye

dude can i seriously have 1 day of not being inn constant agony!! the past 3 days i have felt like there is a metal bar beinginserted in one ear & out the other dude my head is soo fycked up rn my FACE HURTS and i cant dl much becvause waves of big nausea !! Nonnstop days in a row!! im going insane!!!! what the freak there is literally NOTHINg wrong with me at All

felt Garbage then went outside to get a drink and i was like Wow...life is so beautiful..every Thing is so beautiful.....an then i had a Realization thta STOPPED ME IN MY TRACKS and it was Going Outside Is Helpful. which i have realized may times but annawys DUDE I WAS WALKING AN THE ONLY THING I CAN THINKOF IS Wave of nausea Wave Wave I get why its called that its like being rocked in a boat. & my blood. sugar has ajslo been shit the past few days but whats worse is every fw seconds really thinking im gonna throw up but Knowing i wont !! every Single time i thik whatever the issue is = fixed there is SOMETHINNG ELSE

ill continue complaining later but inm going to sit at the park

i know i say this way too muc h but is it actually normal 2 b thsi sickand bad feeling always . What is going on chat!! Thanks for joining me today

i am so filled with excitemennt and passion for art1!! i love eveythig!! i lobe art so much omfg u dont get it

dont knw. why but suddebly i can draw poses so theres that!! I LOVE CHARACTERS AND WORLDBUILDING AND SYMBOLISM ANND PARALELLS ND POLAR OPPOSITES AND COLORS AND FACIAL EXPRESSIONS AND EYES AND ANGELS AND PEOPLE AS WEAPONS AND PEOPLE AS METAPHORS AND PERFORMANCE ART PIECES AND PEOPLE AS THINGS&PEOPLE AS LIVING CONCEPOTS ETC ETC ETC ETC....

-----------april 26-------

dude i almost fainted dso many times 2day also i got into ap art but theres a RULE NOW that means i cant actually do it which is FINE...im seirously nt dissappointed much which is great!!i. love medication

cannot seem 2 keep my blood sugar up this is like takinng care of a weird plant that has too many requirements why cant. i just do stuff .......and everynn afound me always suffersth consequences yahoo Im so tired always but that is. #usual , counted and apparentlu. i sleep in like 3 classes daily or more if i am more tired and tbh i spend most of my life sleeping whcih is kinnda not rad...i dodnt even like sleeping i actually dread it bc its boring and i wanna b thinkinng up stuff...b8t i genuinely cant control any more

nneed tips on how 2 b les tired cause its porbbaly major affect my life! I dont know if this is normal bcaus no one else sleeps as much as me1!! wish i knew what was wrong Also caffiene dodes nnont help....

btw suddenly cann draw bodies out of no wheree Or like a vast improvement and I DONNT KNOW WHY . i think somehing clicked because i actually applied the "one linne pose direction" thing and IT WORKS SO WELL GELP...its like u draw one line & thats the general direction of pose , it usually always follows the spine and maybe a leg or both or an arm , awesome thing bc im tryinf to do Composition jk gonna go draw byegbye..

chat i dont wanna go to school

someone save me!1!!!!!!omg i have spent the past 3 days in bed so thats maybe why i feel horrible rn

8:46 chat im so bored im genuienly considering relapsing 4 this...so boredpilled coded ...just for the fun and games and excitement. This is a great idea

20th april---------------------

omg guys iek the aphex twin. avril 20 or smth..i forgot anyways LITERALLY FELLASLEEP YESTERADYA b4 i could do anythig but today is a bright new day. (its 9:23) i am gennuinely shocked how 4 people can live in such a small space i kno w im privledged bc many pepple have much. smaller houses but Dude this is crazy.. i actually feel like im lliving in a dollhouse with giant people inside & they r alwasy saying how this house ist meant for 4 people...ok then do somethingabout it idk . Sometimes i just take a step back ad think how small everything in my life is but its not bad because im used to it, just weird

tryin 2 make middle eastern music But with breakbeats AND maybe even voice samples (what am i doing dawg) ALSO might combinne with https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b7ht1d9QnSA fire dariacore tutorial because im loving supersaw & finally figured out layering THO I CANT MIX PLS PRAY 4ME.. LITERALLY CANT MIX........AT ALL....

almost done w the midi to oe more song, problemis i want 2 have englsh title just for convenience but i found this REALLY GOOD 4CHARACTER PROVERB IN JAPANES AND IT TOTSLLY FITS THE SONG so i Might have to break the rule of using lannguags i DONT KNOW which is so cringe but. btw here is the midi because no one even looks at these! 1 of the tracks is lyric but u will have 2 guess.. and the ending is a bunch of melodies ihavent worked in so kinda ignore that bit

the only reason im still working on it is bc i have full lyrics for once--EWWW IM LISTENING AND THE MOST HORIRBLE NOISE.. actually have to fix alot..

nnothing to say except KEROSENE IS LITERALLY THE BEST SONG FULL STOP Ohmygod its so. its The song foreber and alwaus i think ive been the bigfanfor atleast 3 year but Wow omfg

my Dad was Un Kind the other day & ruined som plans i had & honestly dontn want 2 even. gointo detail at this point caus i literaly just cried for 40 min whike sitting in the bath room [MASSIVE CRINGE L..Disgusting icky etcGross coded nasty] and i had this Revalaiton about My Brain🤔 Also i got a yum drink rn..and im getting sick! every1 in the house is sick so it was bound 2 happen

i love muisic and art such a normal amount btw im expandng on my Character Lore mainly side characters & gettinng into deeper world building so i have a few google docs 4 that

never enough People in my brain i have liek over 9 with pretty in depth story i think..just trying 2 eexpand everyon & make every person mean something , every side character , qwhich im such not a fan of killing people off but i kind. of have to BOO

Ok. i am done Being nerd byeby

irts rge 16th---------------------

i dont thinj dreams are supposed 2 b like what im. havinng! medicine knocked me OUTT for the entire day + my mom whis aklso sick, [forgot 2 mention but a few days ago or maybe atleast a week i had a super gory dream whidgh was weird bc i did ABSOLUTEKY NOTHING tghe day b4 and i have never wat ched gory movies... but it didnt do the Pasta thing it was just realistic based off what ive seen ]

dream today was just running flying constantly being chased through places that r newer 2 me, ive been seeing them recently and i guess the places change based on large irl enviormental shifts, though most of the locations are honestly unlike anything i've ever seen before. annd then theres the running areas, seeemslike hours of just hovering above everything & desperately tring 2 get away so theres seemingly billions of miles of area constantly unfolding for me to keep running, im on a stationary treadmill in my bed & can't get out. & cant be cornered because my brain wont let me fight its always running / the dream involved probalms i am having Now with Pasrent!! annd was a weird nonsennsical. argument in dream so i had to run from him for long periods, and hecompared us to "yin/yang" in the dream & iw as thinking how insane & delusional this is that i could never understadn, not even trying. 2 scrape meaning together

17th---------------------

i wanna pull myself 2gether and update art page and blog & everything & make stuff !!!& do things in a timely and proceedong fashion...a large pain of adhd is having so much you want to do & r passionate about but none of the orginizational skills to execute or even start most of it

aside that im still sick im eating THESE AMAZING SNACK..BAKED POTATO FLAVOR CRISPY ..worked alot yesterday on my notion im using to organize my main story but hopefully expand 2 all my other endeavors!!! sometimes i get So Excited by thinking of a tune in my head i just violently jump around for a while !I WISH I COULD PLAY DRUMS. I need to learn I think it would b good 4 me , maybe i could feel more energized

today i did nothing at all, not evn the fun kind of nothing!! im gonna go work on music goodbye!!

OK like bfr why do i have so few options in life guys im ! anonther rant post that is boring ahead just fyi.... SO MUCH PAIN ALL DAY yestetfyda i had to Exit chapel rq to start lowk coughing up my lungs in the bathroom and my eyes hurt so bad i had to use 1 contact most of the day but i used eyewash station Twice and then itt was fine but stomach pain amd nnausea is constant and my teachers probably think i am So lazy and Evil but im just SO SLEEPY IM SORRY..AND EVYRTHING HURTS Most of my teachers r ok even

im really having the Cain and Abel instintc which is sad becaues its not my brothers fault that he is Extremely Messed Up , People in myh ouse kep yelling about him like "There is something seeiously wrong w him" etc because there is !! and i HATE HIM because he makes my dad Mean and AngryAnd ive been physically bad too but i cant evn complain about it because theres already 1 sick kid who has been whinning and panckig for 5 DAYS IN A ROW which has everyone super on edge and Yippee!! He has actually missed over a month of school adn im not superstitious but i really think this House is Cursed or something which would make sense to anyone who is Me rnn It reminds me of the plaguehouses w signs that hang above thee door saying "god help us" cause yeah thats me rn (i should note my actual distress level is pretty low rn !! im doing fine and this is normal now , my dsd hasnt been mad this afternoon which is nnice! he is eve nbeing nice 1!!)

Chat seriously school is damaging my psyche im slowly becoming a horrible person and whatsd Worse is how i am feeling less brainnwashed and believing more stuff which is. im Literally believing what i am being brainwashed 2 believe which is just great and great and great annd grea and great ANYWYAS i def am becoming worse person and more violentAND OMFG IM PROVING EVERY THOUGHT I HAVE EVER HAD ABOUT "those closest to the church need god the most" bevause im becoming a worse person and simaultaneously beingCloser to the Enlightenment (or delusion either way) LIKE THE PEOPLE @ THIS PLACE ARE DAMAGING MY PSYCHE (I am livinng evidence of my own philosophy and it horrifies me daily)

Also proving my deep belief in opposites attracting [NOT PEOPLE!! NONT RELATED 2 THAT ] i mean w direct polarization in life like the most evil is closest 2 the church, & millions of ways it's proven in my daily life that would fill this entire blog and a book also, and the song 'we will commit wolf murder' has alwaysbeen me but expecially now its so me coded EVERY SINGLE LYRIC DUDE ITS LIKE I WROTE THE SONG but better than i could write bc almsot every single line hsa direct meaning i can relate 2 specific stuff in my life!!!!!!!!!of montreal has my heart forever

ive been completely eating w music recentk y AND LYRICS?!?!?!?Goodbye i will make music

guys im . i updated ages ago sayng im ebetter anyways i need to make more music i ned mor elyiric more song more tune to make SCREAMING i need weevildoinng song i need to write more draw i wanna do everything and ont home work ......,,,,,,,,,i wanna work on my SONGS my ALBUM iu wanna make VOCALOID i wanna listen to what i made!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i need aTUNES IN MY HEAD........Give me talent or i wil eat good producers for sustinnce thumb s up

-----------------april 4-------------------

my song is goig great but I GFEEL SOOO EWWW EWW VOMIT OMG i go t blood drawn and then had to eat protei but WHY DID I EAT FRIED FOOD I THOUGHT IT WAS OK BC. MY MOM SUGGETSED IT BUT NOW IM ABOYUT TO THROW UP DUDE i f eel so so sick idk hwy this is just a constant for me but Omg i feel So So ill idk what to do to distracy myself. Why does my stomach and body HATE ME. i have actually jsyt been gettug random stabbing pains recently which is Fun new ad Excitinng & couldnt walk o oe leg for a bit cause it hurt af!! and i keep throwig my hips out of wack SOMEHOW I DONT KNOW.which is embarassing bc i had t LIMP across teh quad at school / also i think something is wrong caues reasnnns,1!!!i am slowly Dissolving and if the barometric pressure drops badly 1 more time i might lose it fr..running out of patience.... otherwise im doing ok i need 2 skip bio tmrw i cccant study enough because nausea!! idk i complain so much but i dot care cause i have so much 2 complai about for real / ok but the purpose of the blood test is to see if i have iron defiiciency cause if not, there might be something Else wrong thats causing my fatigue BUT I CANT IMAGINE HOW NICE IT WOULD BE IF WE CAN FIX IT ONNG dude if i could stay awake in class id be unstoppable!!i recently got a 6/100 on a math quiz which is maybe a new low? im gonnna end up homeless dawg / i really am falling asleep in classes though but DUDE. i have a 90 in theology which is CRAZY. HOW am i a 90 studennt now. i am So good at the game .....

heres to hoping my sicknesses dissolve b4 i do wahoooooooooo OH I FORGOT i was in a car "accident" rtoday someone went into the back and GUYS IT SCRED ME SO BAD. i heard the loud alarm beep annd my brain Shut Off and i jus covered my ears w hands for way too long b4 i realized we were good

guys edgy emo dis claimer....

Guys im experiencig catholic levels of guilt and im not even catholic NOT EVEN GUILT Just like the space i have rserved 4 guilt if i could feel it....anyways everyoe is disgusting and i think half the people around me have no conscious ad are trying to brainwash me & Im curretly not paranoid just disgusted by how impure and dirt-covered nasty disgusting hypocritical, its alway s the people closest to what they think is God who need him the most..... every where is sin Not inn a religious sense just evil !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!i wrote a ton of cathartic gibberish in evernote again and might put on substack to feel better, DUDE PEOPLE ARE NASTY AND IT FREAKS ME OUT EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW Im so grossed out rn i dont knnowhow im gonna survive as an adult.... Im definately gonna feel worse after i publish this Ok bye

also omg i am jst maybe very sensitive to disgust or something idk But its making me want to actually kill people around me Not out of anger but its a feeling of burning something to sterilize it, and i feel liek i cant continue to coexist unless i kill and erase these 2 people from the earth so theres now atl east 3 people on that unrealistic mental list (this genuinely wont make sense & i dnt think any1 would bother reading it, its just relieving to write this out) this is much separate from anger in the moment where i wanna hurt someone badly its just the need to erase someone whos impure!!Which makes no sense guys...idk why im so mad about this !!!im just so nauseated omg i wana burn my class room to erase most of the people , the entire school with sterile chemicals and erase disgusting stain abomination on this earth, the construction workers hvae no idea they are constructing a temple to worship hypocrisy and abusers of their positionns & &. & & & & etc etc etc

and omg guys if i have to g oto this school for one more year im gonna end it all!!! but i cant go to public school bevcause the people are DISGUSTING and muchworse!! i feel like im surrounded by people who are either 30 or liek toddler intelligence or just 9 year olds who haev bee nstupid on the internet an d dont know how stuff collides & how thigs affect each other .....everyone is age less and disgusting and rotten

quick updates

vacation was so fun but today passed too quickly Also my mom got mad bc apparnetly i was supposed to be Administered my medicine by an Adult but instad the adult handed it back to me and thats why i ran out early becvause i shouldnt be trusted to give myself medicine so i ran out 2 days early and my mom said that will make me very tired tomorrow which is fun and Games

i was out today and bought blue album weezer + depression cherry beach house reco0rds yayay Except the reason i was out of th house is because my dad is being Really Mean againn and was yelling alot uyesterday night for no reason at all....like bro calm down im Trying to EEP and i can hear u from ALL THE WAY UP in my room (Bonus becasu he started yelling about how he wasnt yelling "thats a natural man voice"...) So we had to all leave the house v fast today because no one is gonna do annythig about That! we would have left house yestrda except Other parent option was in bed..awkward.. I actually hope this man implodes!! He Is So..Unkind

So yeah some problems!! I can kinda only deal w One at once which is school so anythig else is too much but its getting to where im grateful that im at school and nnnot home which is. Pretty Bad LOL

---------------------- Medical ramblings -----

march 18 : i really ened to channge my medicine because im exhausted every day & Also idk if im worrying unnecessarily about my health but i can actually feel myse,f deteriorating (bpthh meentally and physically) if it makes sense, im just always so worried about when i will get sick or someghing , maybe i am too sensitive, and im worried about live failure because i take too much medicine, so all of it maes me upset / I dot like how i donnt hqve aother person's experiences to compare it to, i dont know if problems this frequent are common , its hard Not to be slightly worried because of all the Multiple issues that are small but cumulatively amass into a quite life-disrupting problem

and im also so connfused at what were issues i already had & what are side effects of the medicne i tak to treat those,... BUT DUDE I HATE SWITCHINNG MEDICINE cause im gonna have to try new ones which is Eww cause i dunno how im gonna feel

dude some guy brought me FUNYUNS which was nice !! & i bought more but the vending machine BROKE and i had 1 dolar. bill and a 5 and it ONLY TAKES 1s...and funyun are 1.75.

blog is taking so long 2 update it reminds me of my Penzu phase whr i woud write stuff & it took 5 min for a senntence to show... bcs i had many thousands of words written in this 1 document ! I havent reread those so i want 2 but i have 6 essays, 1 is late but wont be counted, 1 is a draft due today i forgot about and 1 is late and i need 2 finish by tomorow!! then theres more for other cvlasses so Byebye

8:12 pm

guys im so sick of my dads bs!!!!!!!!!!! he needs an attitude Check !! hes gonnna die b4 he gets one so he will never comprrehend my WRATH butsomeday im gonna text him when im out of the house like Go To Anger Management. Get Help. You are Extremely irrational. Stop doing all the bad things adn everything

we talke d about that solider guy who was on meth separated form his unit & weent crazy wild in the cold wilderness & a friend was saying "he ate snow so they couldnt see his breath inn the air" and "hunger makes u shake so when ur eating ur not shaking , so he would eat a single sugar cube for 30 min or an hour" annd i asked ab it bc how does that work & i dot think its rational?? ur body turns off the shaking ev if ur eating just a molecule of food?

OMG SOME KID SAID THE WEIRDEST THNG TO ME & I DONT EVE KNNOW HIM??? HE TOLD ME "rip out the bugs and cut your skin off" and i was. Shocked face emoji ........but imnot gonna anywas because i am LITERALLY in recovery And it was def a joke but still What the freak !! also i was thinknng about how liek years ago during december i was in the car looiing @ christmas lights & my parents werent there and my brother made A Certain joke about emos and lawns....and i was just sittingther with multiple coverred Open Wounds which goes crazy

& i was thinkinng about the shaking thing more Bc yestrday at the park i felt energy depleting (wennt there 2 draw On My Ipad kid moment.) & i sat/lay the whole time but stil felt SO DRAINED so i Telephoned my Mother and she brought me SPAGHETTI BOLEGNESE!!!!AND DCOOKIES AND WATER!!!! & when i got up to INtercept the package my vision wnt black & i felt liek i was ab to Faint moment !I ate annd it was good but i was shaking Insanely evn tho i just ate and was lying down & was kinda freakinng out (i had a Beach towel with me to lie on so it was fine) nad just lying down stock still and it felt liek my muscles were spasminng ………..freaky!! Then i slept undner a tree while listening 2 tvgirl and pinkpantheress and OMG pinkpantheress reminds me SO MUCH of this one time idk when at all but i get nostalgia …

but anyways i cannt complain its my fault…..but is it really because i Dont Feel Hunnger Ever ad i only know im hungry if i start disintegrating! I hae to finish my essay an dlisten to my new sad guitar song on loop its called Cielings by lizzy McAlpine it kinda sucks but also i enjoy! Annd between the bars by elliot smith heart emoji

im almos fully recovered: tiny life updates

someone who i dont want 2 leave school is leavinng, a girl has bee nmissing for a month (does not go to my school!!!) nno one knows where she is but idk any other details, i feel liek i am actively being submerged/brainwashed into believing something with the awareness that it's happening which is horrifying to no end, urelated but bfrd Is Getting the best of me & thee is ACTIVELY blood spots o al my clothes which i tried 2 solve w bandaids on me & allmy fingers but they all fell off, otherwise im doing A-Ok i geeral & v happy andd awesome times Tbh

storyWritig

average experience: i recover 3 words i wrote 5 years ago on a notes doc on the family ipad i lost years ago at some waterpark, and revisee it combined with 9 vague themes im rotationally obsessed with inn thee mos nnonsensical cluttered way possible, i throw in bugs somewhere because i cat Not,also flowers, i write 4 pages of Vaguecore flowery descriptions fueled by a new song i discovered & quit because the plot gets too complicated annd requrs dialogue

anyways im. Having troubke with NAMES AGAIN!! Theres this lovely woman in a story & She was originallyjust Bug enjoy themed with liek idk....languishig weirdo woman persoality ..but then she became river themed And then she also tends a hearth so liek Ash written stuff (plus recent events occurred to do with ash, or hearig of someones hoouse being burned as they sat outside playing w/leaves, making ash men out of what rained from the sky from a nearby forest fire)thishappened 2 a friend literakky ages ago))

But i liked the ash meen conceot (LIKE SNNOWMEN BUT.YA) but she has to get MARRIED to this guy who is The Sun personified (in the most horrifying way possible) but he is also v lame and notscary just being burnt fro the inside basically Like a candle planet. And his WIFE who is this insane woman plagued by insects ...

i wrote that her name meant somethiig like "angelfish" (NNOT THE ACTUAL FISH ITS A MADE UP FISH FOR PLOT) in the native Language. BUT THEN I FOUND OUT/REDISCOVERED ABOUT THIS SPIDER TRICKSTER FROM WEST AFRICAN LITERATURE & FOLKLORE AND OMG GUYS, I REMEMBER READINGABOUT HIM AND I might have thoought he was a monkey 👍 but that ulocked some Core memories for me that i have ALREADY THOOUGHT OF but it was a cool reminder i gues...i have never had a recovered memory almost bc they are all swimmingin Brain anywas

OH RIGHT I FORGOT. I ORIGINALLY WAS LKE OMG THE NAME "Chrysanthe." ITS PERFECT HELLO but it means "Friendship happiness & well being" which Is not Really What im Going for. & then i found out that Anansi has a beautiful daughter nnamed Anansewa & i though Perfect!! bt then she would have to be SPIDER THEMED. & im Not gonna theme someone w spiders Unless i go all out with liek...hypothetically webs & time & fractals & multiple eyes & I HAVE TO GO TO BED B

lik 3days ago ihad an. allergic reaction 2 this flu medicinne and woke up my whole body covered in red spots an dtehr. were so many they merged into. giant splotches andit was REALLY GROSCREEPY and i still gaev some but they mostly went away bc i went on steroids but missed another day of school anwyas i feel so Plague core thats all! its still on my arms and lgs but thankfully not face AND IM SO ITCHY BTW I HATE IT TBH,..makes me wannna Saw M skin off!1but nnot really & They were gonna have me get this shot at the doctor but it was in a Location. So i was like Nopennopenopenope & they said Ok! So that worked dout great IM SO ITCHY SCREAM i wanna boil in a soup hot bath until i can no longer feel skin...i feel restless in each of my concentrated limb points & Need to be shook out like a towel very agressively & bash against things to feel better and ok

this is gonna be a lame update!! unless i ca work up motivation 2 put in images. + againn me COMPLAINING because that s my job.

---------------------------------i am sick uh oh

oh dear!! im sick but my muscle pain is the worst, its nont even localized just. Entire legs random blunt stabs of pain and its really weird!! Definately a New kind 4 me, but im really glad im not liek Gross Alert!!!!!!Sa.ivating a bunch bcs when i get sick usually thats the worst thing & I cat sleep or be comfortable any second because of it

porbably just a general cold or something, soemoen my house has bronnchitis so

its the next day a;ready & im gonna code a bit i feel not super great ! ad gonna draw on ms paint and release more Cringe art

--------feb 7-------

ok this is just gonna be a multi day post..whateever....been intrested in gematria recently , was diagnozed with flu b, the muscles in my legs keep spasming & twitching & Its lik. Really annoying...also i wakee up eexactly 3 times each night, last night it was at 12pm, then 3am, tthen 6am, still in alot of general pain and just randm stabs of Yeowch in various places, my body temperature eis so off, whnen i wnet 2 the doctor the doctors were nice and it was easy, im still short and weigh 2 digits because im a cringe Teenybopper. moist critikal is keeping me alive i love the video of him dancing hes so silly Heart emoji! i always wanna distract myseelf while sick but no energy 2 do stuff, and eating is bad but even drinking makes me nauseated?! but they gave me a dissolvable pill that should stop th nausea Yippee. im so bored for real

anyways i NEED stuff to do im so bored but i ccant do anytihng and i gave no braini for studying , or anything entertainning really, i tried to study the first 2 days but gaev up

i dnot thinj my grades are gonn a handle this one guys...which is maybe fine bcause get me out of this school! ive been getting way more paranoid recently so i needed the break from theology bcs og ny goodness im So Horrified. plus i hate revelation cause i donnt like end times or thinking about burnning 2 death in hell!! (my parents scolding me severely for readinng books that are too violent and thumbs up to the bible and r*pe of lucretia & much similar history stuff, & iliad) but yeah i wan to go to ..this other school thta is maybe more Helpful?? cause i dont thinkthis school is accommodated for my Stupidity ngl

i dont know why im writing so much maybe the medicine was caffienated Shorree... btw i think bronchitis has affected my brother for the worse bc hes not an artist at all yet i found a drawing of his he did yesterday downstairs and its so creepy??? its liek these 4 people in fanily hanging portrait style but they are So Freak Drawn. like the skeletons from that christmas movie. and its kinda good but also Is He Ok!

first concert Experience---------------------------------------

illupdate this with pics hnwen im better but guys....got a photo with kikuo on of my alltime favs ever?!?! and the biggest inspiration!!! the concert was so cool ALSO MY MOM GOT A PICTURE IWTH BO EEN?? HELP SHE LEFT TO GO BUY ME S BAG FROM MERCH STAND & CAME BACK AND SHOWED ME A PHOTO OF HER WITH BO EN. HE ELOOJED SOO SILLY COWBOY. with his silly hat

but it was RAINING and it was an outside concert...sprinkling but still erm! i think i was more cold than ieve eveer been in my life (for the lonogest time in my life i mean) to the point i couldnt make a fist with my hand & my legs were like dried wood planks! i got up at some point and was like Holy shit. i almost toppled bro

sort of wat 2 delete blog i probabl wont but still, and i need 2 write in substack nmore

weird guy on minecraft yeserdat , strange in general the started talking abot ijuries and it got REALLY EDGY AND EMO So i otld him to Stop Talking and he did but i Didnt liek that reminde at all!!

im drawing a dream i had 2 days ago[or 1, not last nnight ] it wasnt gory just weird, the drawing is mostly text [both written and typed] in ms painnt [my new wacom works v well!!]

to sum it up, in the dream i was inn alot of pain/very urgent situatioon and running , and i kept thinkig over and over 'god if you make this stop i'll connvert to christianity' whcih was weird ad the place my dreams are in is changig into a new place, its REALLY WEIRD annd i dont know at ALL where it is, i cann always tell what its a mashup of but ths time its so vagye and weird, somethig of concrete areas and rural bright grass and fences/lots of barbed wire and little color

over the past school year i have connsumed more media tha ever. i think im becoming a media consumerr [not really but i have Enjoyed some consuming u know] im watch ing a show occasionally, i Cannnot stress how much i hate fandoms whcih has probably Diverted my atteention in the past but regardless i cannt stay on 1 thing for very long / takes ages 2 finish

havig lotsa fun making media, im takng my time to structure a SECOND stoory very well, id say this oe is also more character focused/driven because theres multiple main characters & im trying to make Everyone someone i can enjoy writing or drawing instead of just 1 or 2

i have alot of fun thinkig about it!!

my mom left today for work, its for about a week, pretty NNotGood considering my dad over the past years but I'll Survive! I keep getting alot sicker in the mornings and bro Its literally. Like i smell a Food and suddenly i feel lik projectile vomiting. Its so weird and nasty. How does that happen. Also just feel sicker in general

still failing maht & spanish but its ok , im doing p good so Yeah just a small update

ok hi guys sorry 4 lax updates on blog

------------------general life + music---------------------------

i've mostly stopped getting headaches which is More of a Relief than i can express honestly im just so glad + Also back to Mostly beign able to eat!! Morninngs are still Iffy but i dont get as nauseated so im happy

bought some LOEVLLYY stickers And snacks yesterdya, i ate so many but i didnt get sick because i got stuff that mostly doesnt have MSG + theres usually Lots of preservatives in the japanese snacks i buy

im back in my crystal castles Phase. Its so good. I hope alice is loving her life rn because omg

got some new favs like plague and intimate, but my current playlist includes stuff like kerosene, vanished, untrust us, empathy, some more popularr things + old reliable favorites i can always come back to

also like stay_w_me and moron by m1v, and stupid girl by boy fantasy!! those 3 were on LOOP for my entire trip

--------------creative projects Brain ideas/Nerd moment-------------------------------

currentlt drawing w/my wacom, ive been Blsed with Images and Concepts once again so imi Developing that. Im having the moment of culmination where a few monnths or years of vague concepts for a new thing suddenly Connect and its SO COOL U HAVE NO IDEA !!!Like all of the Dots are COnnecting u know

(Idk if this isnt obvious but i am a Huge name Nerd. Im literally Married to Ontamology and word meaninngs in generarl, i think im gonna make a webpage for it cause tehres SO MUCH I WANNA TALK ABOUT ANWAYS)

i wanna get noe of those massive cork boards and connect stuff in my main story with strings and things!! it wopuld be fun. And my current idea has a ton of Sun Symbolish so il have LOTS OF FUN finnding a good name, im Tbh so proud of my names so far [ezcept for that onne thats LITERALLY a thing already and i Doont wanna talk about it . but that name is SO PERFECT for the characteer because it means smth very related, + the fiirst syllable means 'fire' which IS A Big Theme also. AND WHEN U REARRANGE THE LETTERS U GET THE NAME OF THE THING POSSESSING HIM which is kinda neat....i Guess.....if u EVEN CARE...... i tried to fidn what the seconod syllable means but ive gtten all sorts of answers frmo "ball of leather" to "respected" annd "daisy flower" So i dont think thats going anywhere.

About the Sun person im Soo excited for all the Yummy character themes im gonna put in there!! So much Duality and Stuff. And liek themes of clarity/blinndnes, delusion/enlightenment, the sun as a metaphor for corruption, etc.. but for the name idk, the most obvious route is "Heli"[sun/light] prefix [from helios]WHICH BY ITSELF IS AWESOME IT LITERALLY HAS IO IN IT...But i Cant steal from greek mthology because thats Not original and So boring

but Hel means Hell [in the sense of Norse mythology + more associated with the actual norse goddes Hel, not really the place?? kind of like Roman Hades. also means "one who covers up or hides something" referring to the underworld being a hidden realm which is COOL and also another dual thing cause the character is from that world's equivalenet oof heaven (The Heavens or like skies)

but also the christian concept of hell was inspired by it which is SO COOL BUT UNRELATED RABBIT HOLE. AND HEL IS A MOON OF SATURN!!!!!!!!!Which is SO COOL becauyse io is a moon of Jupiter ermm

would be pretty cool if they actaully found Hell on the plaet Hel. nnot really but Conceptually

Anyways yeah I m Really excited. + i know how i can work this into my maiin story [which i keep refrencing but have not explained At All] which is A-Ok because only Me and Possibly 2 people are reading this [why are u read this far Laughing crying emoji]

i had a dream last night where

there was a guy on tv/movie and his organs wer spilling out of his face and eyes annd everything was so bloody and his eyes were disgustinng and there were pink guts everywhere and so much blood on him but most ly just his innner parts spillign and being thrown into the air like they were drawn out of him by a sewing needle or something, and everyone was watching him, and i was but i cupped my hands over my face cause i couldnt keep watching and IT WAS STILL THERE AND I COULD SEE IT EVN THOUGH MY EYES WERE CLOSED IN THE DREAM...& i was sitting on a couch transparent hands nothing to cover my eyes with

yesterday we watched knives out, it was good but not Anything that warranted my dream, the dog was really loud and i coudlnt cover my ears

---------------------------------------------

I neeed to complain!! So why not make this post even longer with me complaining about my head IM LITERALLY GONNA KMS I HAV BEEN GETTING EHADAVCHES EVERY DAY FOR WEEKS IM SO NMAD I have a cold hat now BUT IT STILL SORT OF HURTS AND I DONT WANNA EAT IT MAKES ME SICK IM SO. UPSET I WANT TO OVERDOES AND PASS OUT I CANT TAKE IT ANY MORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!😲😲😲😲😲I cant keep living like this Im so tired im so tired And once school starts i Dont know what im gonna do man!!! I cant just crawl into bed all day i have to do homework with my head IM FOAMING ATT THE MOUTH WITH RAGE! im so tired at school man Crying emoji I ccant sleep at. school if my head hurts I cannt skip class i dont know how im gonna live a ny more Now i get why people do drugs i would give anything to be so spaced out that it doesnt hurt any more I never take too much medicine at once tho i dont know why people worry Im just so tiredI got a new blanket today which is nice, its pink :)

new year new me!!! im gonna get addicted to nicotine for 7 months and quit so i can write an albuum about it Just like that one guy

going ro a. Function if you will....im not exactly worried but morre On Edge becuas p much most/all my friends r Gals and this meet up only has One Female.And also everyone is older than me....But we should be a-ok its just watching movies

updating my website im trying SO HARD WITH THESE STUPID LITTLE IN-BROWSER BROWSER SIMULATIOSN i got 1 to work [havent evn put content in] but i cant have 2 at the same time and im figuring it out!! vcause the point is to have alot on each page triggered by clicking random. stuff [because i like overexplaining but i want it to be like Findable so u dont Have to read if u dont want]

i donnt knnow what movies im gonna watch...i really Want to suggest lego ninjago movie but its probably gonna b more down the line of Horror Films loooking at whos gonna bne there! still have my days off school, tomorrow is the last

and also im gonna look more into Accurately describing this blog bevause its more of me ranting abuot my Medical Problems Haha so im more gonnna. State that better idk only like 2 people read it but i like Maintaining this ....shhhh....

---------------------------------------------------------

WHEREE I WAS FOR FOUR DAYS I THINK

i went to a Place that is a weird vacation place. There is so much weed and deer ! I didnt get sick when i was there. It was mostly good except for one Part where my dad got a Little too physicsl! We also found deer bones including parts of the head [we got them looked at by some local woman who ran a multi-room taxidermy display, she saidd it was probably around a year old or so]

every time i go to a new Place that isnt the city/area i live in, i feel like i am a different person & I get really good ideas 4stuff. it reminds me of moving to a new country and the idea of never seeing the same people is exciting and Quite Thrilling. Once i am old enough nothing can stop me from going off the Grid!!!! I lov the idea of dissappearing on purpose[a story of it] but if theres a record of what you did, that means you failed. Better luck next time!

Also it was SO on-time with my current Mild interest in deer! I listened to the same 3 songs the whole time & that was good. i like long driving and i brought my favorite blanket. i have also been Mentally Reworking soem characters in my Main Story because i made it when i was YOUNG so UNFORTUNATLY some of the Key People are p LAME&CRINGE. But one of the charactesr is based off of A Deer. P much a deer Except a predatory animal innstead of prey-animal, which has raised the question Can he geet prion disease?! also i dodnt like the idea so i hope i can fix it.

I have als been drawing alot recently because i got new Ipad And Pencil

i got off track oops!! So at the Place i went we stayed in the woods, and i went to the Animal Rescue Thing and a deer followed me chewing my radiohead sweatshirt, and i saw lots of annimals and birds, and i saw so many deer and pet the deer and photographed their eyes [which has been a goal of mine for ages but the photos weren't great] ideal scenario is finding a fawn in the woods in a mossy clearing that doesn't move when i approach and photo it from Everry angle

[just so i can put it here, and find it reuploaded on pinterest later with red and white ms paint text scattered in random places over it talking about vague feelings of betrayal and innocence, and tagged as traumacore]

i found a new word i will be using! Consumptive.

also found Another comic that i started to enjoy alot!! then i enjoyed it Less so i probably wont mention it.

Absolutely wild dreams!!! I barely remember what happened last night but i dont want to

I think thats all, but i need to insert photos, i can probably do later..its such a hassle

and my favorite image right now is the cover for this post

not rela blog post just wanted to say MY HEA+D HURTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!every day for weeks, at night it hurts so jmuch , i can only take acetominphine BUT IT HURTS SO MUCH SS Im wearirng my Plastic Rings rrn ! i want to draw or lstend 2 music or CODE!nbut i cant becaus eit migt b a visual thing And i should have been packing but i hit my hea don the sink whilee i was pouring water on my heead becuase its cold , annywas idk whats causing this !!! Every Day Man. I iwish i was an 11 year old or something I wish i wasnt inn pain so frequentl But ill take this anydday over mental stuff

i wanna code a paeg thats magical girl themed or some thing, i tried watching a few min of a show but i couldnn t get further, but this website in the show was cool, reminded me alot of lainw ebsite but magica girl themed, wanna try repliccating

good-bye 4 now

always too tired to put images And this blog wil mostly be ranting so No special news exciting anything

iw ent to the psychiatrist early today, its mandatory , she randomly told me that i either have NonVerbalLearningDisorder oor Dyscalculi I dont know how to spell, i didn't know what 1 of those was

And apparrentl. my IQ was affected very negatively by the visual testing bits, to an unusual degree becaues stuff is supposed to b spread even , but i got 99.93 percentiel of language Skillz and like 50 ish in math So i guess she inferred that becuas apparently dyscalculia also has stuff like bad spatial awareness! AndDirectional probems & similar stuff,

She outright said "You are not going to get any better at math" and im glad a reputable source restated what i have been saying 4 ages

I Hope My Mom Feels Bad. For What She Has Done

Because Her Mistakes have cost me already , Not listening 2 me has cost. Me years + This has happened before, where i think i have something=i tell her=she says i don't and it is dismissed=i. struggle=i am diagnosed with what i thought i had=she apologizes=next time around she doesnt listen

I dont care at all, about being diagnosed it is Literally useless 4 me!!! If im not gonna get extra help for math , theres no point, i still have to try just as hard and im always trying so hard in math But of course its not good, beecause i have a 25 in math, I just wish i didnt have to try more than everynoe else and. get less than everyone else , i wish anything paid off

always too tired to put images

Not just that but I am also A little concern4d for how i am gonna b an adult i Can barely take. care of myself as it is Which is probably bad for my age!!! Im still being taken care of like an 11 year old would And i alqys wonder how much is laziness andd how much is all these conditions That rot me away, I cant make food but even if i could im too tired to do it, and i cant remember anyways . And i feel WORSE that other people want 2 help me Because I am so Bad at the game!!! People shouldnt have 2 cover for me just because I Cant Do Basic Things for myself And im starting 2 think that whn im an adult i will literally just rot in bed, its not far from what i do now, i onky stay in bed and anything else makes me fall. asleep

Also can barely stay awake in school ,

And i dont ever think about how tired i am, people around me always say they are so tired & i dont relate But then i reealize that i spned ALL MY DAYS IN BED And i never leave unless visiting people, And i think if i lived a more normal way, I would be exhausted

So we will see ! Will Adult Life work out for me Or Will i have to Dissappear on purpose? Stay tnuned 2 find out

Oh wait Update MY GRAED DOUBLED I HAVE A 57 IN GEOMETRY. NOW. YUPPEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE E

i spent ages workingwith a tutor 2 redo all my stuff and it paid off But im still failing LOL

About the gundam, bought my first its HG which is recocmended 4 beginners, im still buidking it , i have never attempted one before because i couldnt even do legoes [Which is part of a thing my doctor also adressed basically to do with Visual Awareness and i was like Ohhh Moment. realize Moment] But now im trying and its SO RELAXINNG Im feeling kinda. Poopoo rn so im gonna turn onn a charlie stream & workr on it!!

The Witch from Mercury - #03 Gundam Aerial, Bandai Spirits HG 1/144

My brother LITERALLY copied me and has built 2. But its ok im gonna learn to customize them and make one So Cool and Sparkly And Pinnk it will make him throw up and he will Never buy one again. Bitch ALSO HIS LITERALLY SUCK like they are ugly.........,,,

im gonna. go initiate my emergenncy RZelax plan ALSO i gad a BANGER breakfast but i didnt actuakly eat most of it...except the dirnk...but it was stil cool!!1

i want soo many gunpla i want All them i need the unicorn ones they are SO NEAT !!! Any rich people onnline Feel Free to Buiy me them.

i woke up with horrible stomach pain but there was no light downstairs so i didnt go becaus my brogtehr was sleeping in my parents room probably still But i needed medicine really bad but i couldnt mke myself. get dressed so i lay on the floor and eventually Forced myself up

finally got medicine but was struggle it didnt settle for an hour or so + regular pills + couldnt eat so nausea on top of that because empty stomach pills are bad & I really wanted to. EXPLODEor knock myslef out with my measly 6 pills that did nothing Wanted to pass out cold cas it hurt & Lay on couch & eventually took more pain medicine and it finally. STOPPED & i was so relieved i am still shaking a long time later from relief.

Guys literall after i typed that i stood up and smashed my knee innto a table corner..it didnt bleed tho so we ball!! so ive been icing it for 30 min or so...drew my friends&my aninmal crossing Pocket camp avatars, whil i was waiting

Btw idk where to put this as an official notice but im putting triggering conttent OR spoilers for media under a new tag so it has a black highlight! so if u wanna read u just hover mouse over it and of not no worries [im workingon how to specify What it is, usually just violence graphic descritpions, sh Not usually this blog, being sick/illness , just generally that sort of thng] HERE IS AN EXAMPLE

Example text! the tag is PW , P for parahgraph and W for warning. and then PD is for dreams that i had so PD is Paragraph: Dream! hope that clears. it up

and i will Npt put warnings for bugs obvisously this is a very pro-bug Area so u wouldnt evn be followinng me probablym or just not a good idea bc i mention them alot

ALSO in my dreams tghere is Almost always triggering cntent or violence So ill mention that, btw ill add todays dream which Was violent so just skip it if u want! It will b at the end of the post

ive been livinh on the couch for days now, its ok, Idk if i mentioned htis but theres an update on the family friend's death, i knew she lost oxygne over a period of 2-3 hours, but no one knew she comitted syicide until the funeral annoucned it [weird for a church to say that but good in the end caus the family wanted that], & My mom's friend saw her 2 weeks before, just at the gym normally which is kind of Insane. so yeah I LITERALLY DINT REMEMBER if i said that before!!!!Bear with me Please.

i REALLY WANT TO GET INTO 3d MODELLING AGAIN BIT ITS SO HARD...

My self fulfillment puramid includes Enjoying Sounds Music while walking in circles in my room i just did it recently and OMg. Guys.

Here was my dream from last night [literlaly jsut copypasting whta i sent my friend]

I dreamed i was in an accident , so i was in a room with some people, not many but one was a girl from school, a younger girl i know and this guy came in (one of the C. twins [context they make trouble at my shcool and r inn like a lower grade]) and i was the first to notice something wrong, he had a blade in his hands & attacked me by slicigf (i dont remember well) i think my arm or somethijg (i was Literally Shocked at how easily i was overpowered) and he went for the younger girl next, i tried to shield her but it was very difficult because i - was scared - people were moving and it was difficult - didnt want to get hurt again cause he could slash my back now But i managed to mostly cover her though she was on the ground moving He went into another room i heard skin ripping a second time in a pattern and i could visualize worse wounds on someone elses arm (it could have been me but i dont think it was) but i saw it in my head + I was aware the other person was wounded worse than me Later i was watching youtube videos covering the event Also the rest of the dream i was running slash flying everywhere, in an area similR to backstage area of lion king [FROM MY SCHOOL PLAY]+ empty stage and set but make it alot larger and expansive , just trying to escape

and i drew the dream, innaccurate perspective [i was myself in my body] but i matched rhe colors. and i didnt detail the twin much because he is a real person .

& i have listened to this song on repeat 4. SOME REASON [no one i know irl would like Fyi!!] its. acertain version of the song not on spotify but it reminds me of the dream SO MUCH & i evn found it before thr dream

anywas weird song!unrelatable lyrics!!

im jst bored recently + tired, + having Weird dreams more !! And they are getting just more Insane...2 the point wher i cant write them down any more , & i have gotten. headaches recently, when my friend was over i got sick & got to the bathrooom but ended up lying down on the floor for 30 min just facedown on the gross bsthroom rug and tile,

went to daiso againa this time a different location & got nice things againn!! so theres now 3 locations. i want 2 meet up with friends more because i am Actually Dying of Boredom,i have lived onn the couch for a few days now bc my dad and brother are gone & the house is so quiet its very good

i have thought more about rrazor blades recently, not to use jus it feels nice to have, annd comforting

im very cozy!! a bit cold but my computer is warm and i have so many blankets, i love the holidays but again i want to do stuff with my friends. i rediscovered a song draft annd i actually really like the tune so heres the link

its very simplistic actually but i like alot --and if you listen, ignore the jarring violas i just needed clear separation between the intruments.

i finished secret life also, it was v good [minecraft series if you dont lnow] and i always watch from scar's point fo view so it was evn moer awesome this time [spoilers ahead]

i liked seeing him win, + it was cool that he was domed by the narrative the whole time, his luck was just BAD and the prompts had him act as a villain, otherwise i dont have any other important opinions

also a w hiel sgo figured out why i love minecrfst/the concept so mych, pronanly wil write abput it in detail later, might add more t the blog post later.

felt like doing a blog post tofday!!! yippee :) i also have way too man y images to sharee now awesome

midterms are finally over !!thnk god, and finally moved out of the school in-church, the last day i walked in for make-up testsing, the bell started ringing & its the most amazing sound to hear it from outside &far-away, tnen walk in &be submerged inside, like swallowed by something thats humming

while i waited 2 be picked up i drew some things on notecards

just more girl creatres etc, i am pretty bored right now its 1:34 pm. its been rainy recenyly so its nice outside, i want to go to a park w/friend soon--might actually ask bc thats a good idea!! yummy cold

rain on the car windows

i have been wishlisting a ton of mezzo piano clothes recently , also here is a drawing im working on and i really like it 4 some reaosn. i like the simplicity of js paint, and drawing with a macbook trackpad w/finger allows for nothing technically Good so its comfortng ! The intention is just form + i absolutely love contours, not weird artclass exceirsizes but just Organic Goood Yumy Contours of weird bodies

currently working on a song!! i have nicknamed it "world control" very silly but i am using all brain energy 2 do other stuff so its a joke title now [i need to title all the files something because i have SO SO SO MANY "untitled.midi"

chronologically it should be released after another song [luckily i have already planned all the lyrics but not much beyond that..] but i cnt make myself finish the first one, so will just be out of order realease whatever

the lyrics are at 46 sentences i think?? i tried planning[WHAT] before i did the song so i made a Mural, i tbh hate mural but it was the only thing i could find, heres a photo Plus also plugin reveal

anyways i only have 11 of the lyric sentennces planned in midi [4 some reason i dont thnk vocaloid producers do that , but it makes it way easier 4 me personally]

i fouind this song written in my notes i forgot when i wrote it but i proabbly heard while out, and Tbh no idea why i noted it

ok what music have i listened 2 recentlY!! i need new songs new Tunes. i thknk thts all 4 today, might add more if i think of it!! Goodbye

I think i was going 2 make a blog post about Spiderverse movies a whiel ago but i forgot,! Anyways i will share some of my Fav screenshots from the movie& Some reasons why i enjoy

though i am pretty...Not a fan of the Fanbase of this movie. They are all kinda goofy. I will never interact with them!!!! the miguel enjoyers Throwupemoji Miguel is lame but like.....Actually Lame .

I think my fav character from the series, not a huge reason why i just think hes Lame but aslso cool!! I liek the waythey draw him, i like his concept, i just enjoy. I like that he is lame and vengeful 4 No reason Just jind of a loser with an unreasonably well presented design . I am just biased tho bc i Really like high contrast characers [both visual and personality-wise] and i like the black/white contrast. Like at the start he is absolutelyLAME and then theres a few scenes like this

Cannot get enough of joke characters being taken seriously It Is The Best Plot Thing Ever.The spot will never be Not a lame little guy But these scenes are wack......in terms of finding Actual art in a movie, 1 of teh best examples ever Tbh . And the music bro Like come on

I also love how he is just an accident !!! Even his name is stupid!! He literally got hit with a bagel Which btw is round. Jusy like a portal. Hahhahaha

---------------------------------------------------------

Just realized i dont have much else 2 say abotu the movie!! besides Hole Man! Tbh i never have a reason 4 enjoying movies. 4 Example:I went 2 see the trolls 3 movie w/friend a whle ago (without seeing 1 or 2) and i was like Bro ths ROCKS i LOVE all the characters. And i walked out like That was agreat movie!!!

i like teh representation of bugs in a way where grotesque factors are not mentioned or played up, Cause i think tht is pretty unexplored in media! How cool bugs are! I used 2 be very obsessed with Multiverses as a concept (NOT IN A TIKTOK SHIFTER WAY!!!1!!!IMPORTYSNT) when i was younger

Would be cool to see more Spider imagery in te movie!! 👍

I also like Pavitr

And the music is good!1!1 i like the prowler theme & Kind fo all the major theme songs

Also kinda unrelated but i love this guy!!! He has youtbe & Animated 4 spiderverse, figured i should mention beacause of my recent growing LegoObsession. He is V silly!!!! Follow him everywehr

The Twitter.

hyeres every scene in thw movie sorted btw, if anyoe wants it

on google drive

Btw just fun facts this was gonna b the backgroun for the site originally!! PRET OLD if anyone wants u can steal

Totally forgot but i went bonkers on dec 8 & 9 Also maybe 7 i forgot!! But im good now Yippee!! I live another day. Goodbye 4 now

this morning in the car iwrote:

first dream i had

A woman creating destruction in an orb, shes making a planet in outer space. She creates a burst of fire, and then ice on opposite sides and they rotate in her grasp over a surface. Theres low-poly 3d creatures

[As im writing this im having a tense conversation with my dad, and i drive by a river with a man trying to climb over the metal fence. My dad is convinced he was just on the other side and was going over into ours. I thought he was gonna run into the river from a great pit beneath]

Of different colors, but i barely see them as living and more as a construction a concept like a cave painting. The 3d surface expands as she shoots out a hand here and there, saying some words i forgot but she curses nonchalantly like "what if i send this here?" with. f word somewhere randomly in there And with a burst of her hands she expanda the entire thing to a planet size , and the spot of fire and ice transform into great pillars that wrap around the planet in a belt, splitting it into two and colliding at a perfectly cut point

----------------------------------------------

that conncludes whta i wrote this morning! the rest of my dream was very complicated ad i dont remember it all, but i have been in the sameGeneral Dream Location for a while? atleast a few dreams. btw theres this Dream Place idk hwo many timesive seen it but i think alot and i only becameaware of it yesterday, itds a "House" infinitely expanding inwards (Like u can enter through any place no matter what, its likea wormhole)as long as its a House Area thru a door.) its basically a wormhole, and whathappens is when u enter, theres a exit that goes to another similar room, and ur stuck going thru different rooms over ad over (aas if AI is genereatig them as fast as possible)

and all of them share similar characteristics.usually the rooms are very Plain colors like beige, think faded photos of more vintage houses with vague furniture. Alot of them are also VERY SMALL or just Small. Cause i have been in small cabiinnet like rooms or tiny crawl spaces surrounded w/pillows [NO ACTUAL VENTS I THINK]

im trying to figure out what causes the dreams 2 have this, i wouldnt say being scared bc i am Always being chased in dreams, and the 1 main place i go i will explain(in dreams tehre can b like side plots but in the end, the overarching theme is I need 2 escape!

Theres also another dream place, its more like a massive map but its the same general. idea nont a specific locatio per say?

when im escaping, [it used to not be this way until about a few monnths ago], i runthrough these squareish streets that is a. mishmash of very nneighborhood ive lived in , theres tons of alleys and just squaer. houses. w details

the firdst timr i was in this locationn there. was a Lego Man in my dream! Thats how i marked that it was the first time, bc that was significant

also i've been flying in dreams ALOT more and i thinnk this is because over the past 2 years i have lost my full consciousnness in dreams. i used to always b able to go around and say to people in my dream 'im dreaming right now. i know you!' or 'i've never been in this dream b4 can u sho me where a Thing is' etc. and i could also wake myself up !! but now im only half connscious so my brain lets me fly bc i donnt think about it

----------------------------------------------

SO MY SECOND DREAM LAST NIGHT:

i got off track but the most vivid part i remember is:

escape from a glass house, in the house smth just happened where out of 2 people one was just tricked (each person has like a tiny mascot-like thing) but one is DORMANT hidden in a dark object, and i saw it come to life later and i was like OMG. THATS CRAZY. but the mascot was Goofy and got mad at its owner for some reason so it came 2 life and played piano really loud, these gorgeous dark chords theme song thing. And then i was like oh no! AND THEN IT got up and Left the piano but the music kept following it?? thru the house?? liek warping as it travelled Then i left, annd i transformed into [some sort of vague creature, i think a praying mantis or a vague predatory bug but it could have been a lizard] and i gently hovered/fell down a rocky cliff face into a pond, thinking the whole time 'theres small bugs i could eat here' annd watching an ant colony on my way down then i became human again [it just Now occured 2 me i wasnt wearing clothes, but that wasnt relevant at all in the dream LOL] then i am in the forest mud trees area, an theres tons of white snails on the ground and im like YEAHHH andthe MOST LOGICAL THING TO DO is start immediately sticking them all over my bare. skin. Then they start. falling offSADFACE and im like "Oh yeah i remembe. now the snails dont stick" but i found a. way 2 make it work and i. was like THIS IS COOL AF!!! I HAVE SMALL WHITE SNAILS ALL OVER ME!!!

----------------------------------------------

IM FAILING SCHOOL. AND CALIBER GIRL. IS BEING RELEASED

So i got 2 more detentions [alrdy served yesterday ad day b4!!] My "n" key is weird this week so thats why it might not show up typed alot. fyi if i skip it

im o academic. probation ! i have a 25 in geometry and a 27 in spanish and around a 50 in bio, and ithink an 80 to 100 for every other class. [the 100 is art]

what else irl news... my dad is getting Worse! Every day bro !! But we ball

the womans funeral was today, and i wonder if u can feel brain cells dissolving, and iwonder if she was aware could she feel half of her brain goiing cause it only took 2 hours? & i wanna kno w what it felt like, not myself but in written text

My brainn is dissolvinng thou because school........ AND YAY CALIBER GIRL IS RELEASING TODYA IM MEETING WITH FISH TO LISTEN WHEN IT COMES OUYT!!!

----------------------------------------------

I WROTE THIS A FEW DAYS AGO

this isnt a necessary read but just 4 fun and games, heres what i wrote yestrady i think maybe before..

I take 3 pills in the morning i stack them making a hut formation, i go to school and i leave, i have a splitting headache and nausea, i curl up on the bed and writhe and the computer falls off the bed, i take 4 pills and nothing helps, i go to bed. I wake up in the morning, take 3 pills, go to school 20 minutes late because my mom wanted to wash my hair, we almost run over a black cat and my mom screams and i cover my ears as she slams the breaks, get to school, go to detention, i leave school later, im told i am on academic probation (and have been for a while but no one has told me), my brother calls 4 times because no one has picked him up from school but my mom is taking a work call in the car with both hands off the wheel so she declines every call, i take another pill, i am at a Helping Persob's house to help with organization, she has a black cat and dog,

at school , someone i dislike tells me he was the one who held me back from hurting another guy when we fought a few months ago, the guy i fought described his horrific friend to me so i gave him a website url to send his friend, so i can ruin his friend permanently, he puts it in his pocket, i keep dreaming of the new school people in more of a witch hunting situation where i am being perpetrated: last dream there were twisting highways that spiral into the sky, unbelievably high twirling over each other. Me and a friend climb them together, i ask "what if a car comes along" and they say we will be over, its climbing statues at this point--we go one step at a time, im behind but i catch up, I save them from falling off, gripping each other's wrists and they betray me and throw me off, but im not falling , my arms rest on the marble and we try to hurt each other, i am gonna kill the other person

Later im flying, up in the air in an arena with my fingers i point at people and turn them into wild beasts temporarily (like animalistic demon bulls in vague shapes)

I JUST FIGURED OUT A SYSTEM IN MY HEAD I HOPE I END UP USING ITCAUSE OMG

So i was writig a thing Just so i could read it [ i have been doing that Alot recetly but usually the stories r pretty cut off or i never finish, because it starts off in all caps poetic then my brain makes a real plot ad i need 2 set all the characters up which ruins it a bit ] anf i was naming people annd i was. like Ok Numbers!!!! all of theem can b numbers

& in my writing thats just 4 me to read, usually the tropes or characters. follow whatever Tropes i enjoy atm, or patterns of charsacters ive had4 a long timee, i try ont to tire them out sooooa]

miniature prompts liiek tiy situations last me like .. . ........2 Day? mayb whereasactual dynamics last over a year!! i had 1 for I. Wanna sa 3 yrs...but recently havent kept up so i have had a new one for Ermm most of this year Tbh idk

but the other one had aplot whereas this one is just.Whatever is appropriate for the current. miniature prompt. Flexible. Flex taep.

ANYWAYS TGATS OFF TOPIC. I REALIZE!!!! that i can number characters by the number i associate with them, and i associate numbers with colors so that works well for example

3 : i dont think i have any character exampels that arent jsut in my Brain

4: erynth, nox [i think both r a combination of 1 / 4] i think the Person mara, Emilio,

5. Ok so the color matches this 1 character but im not sure of the meaning Lolz

6. What

7. Probably a filler but a yummy number anyways, tll happy to be a non filler plus yellow😞 and i HATE yellow themed chatacters

8. mainly for murky stuff [teh color is murky dark greenish purpleish brownis multi combination swirl] so definately Bugs and Cycles like instar larvae etc/ but combined with 1, easily a robotic sort of body, 8 is a very Robot fitting number/like androids or mecha people idk

9. Not sure either but dark pruple very siimilar to 8 but could also reprset 4 but like Rotted. So marinated delusion or an after-phase. But also an older or overarching figure, not in an Authoritative manner per. say but. Older/Sibling or something,

i Am so excited by this idea and i realize it doesnt make any sense sorry bt i WANNA WRITE ABOUT IT BECAUSE II THINK ITS COOL

almost for got 2!!

2 : split things, duality, warring forces / polarity, 2 is usuall Grey or like whatever no color but very easily can see it as black/white [MAYBE THATS JUST THE ALBUM THE SONG U&I IS FROM BY THE NEIGHBORHOOD BOOOO]

so i can kind of throw a 2 into the character for some Nice Duality I LOVE POLARITY SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH IN STORIES!!!!!!!!!!!!!AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

1 is. pretty much the living concept demonstratum girl [or can easily be] if maybe combined with other thinngs, easily combined 0 is the Blank Slate Tm. Its like Adjective Girl before the Girl. And no adjective either. Its the O shape in th face of a person i draw [the simple girl iwth lines for hair] Its the Nothing of binary code.

probelms are already happeing!! first of all if i continue to sort irl people by this, THERE IS NO NUMBER FOR PINK. NOT ANY SHADE. [31 DOES NOT WORK. 301 DOEST it is just liek strawberry shortcacke but the 3 actually means somethnig red so wouldnt work anyways] the letter E is. pink but i DONT WAT THAT cause its a Letter, also in myfull name MULTIPLE TIMES

i have a splitting headache and nausea rn just thought i should mentionn!!I have taken 1 idk pill, 2 tylenol for it, hasnt helpetd [+ regualr antibiotic]

ad it hurts SOOSO BAD but i have to write this

the name io would be 10. 1=whch is Adjective girl adjacent vaguely or angel/blank and 0 is onthing or whstever, or half of an 8 which is bugs. annd. stuff like that [as im writing this i thik im gona throw up soon or later Slash Gen!!] and iolathe is. purple which is nnumber 4, but Lanthe. [minusthe 10] is Nnasty color.

im seriously so. nauseate dim ogna throw up. i have to stopwriting bye

this was written on nov 24 but publisheed on nov 27. I KNOW THERES NO IMAGES IMTOO LAZY RIGHT NOW.

@ park right now, its. 1:55 and break is over on monday ,small injury on footb{& huets 2 step on {also shoulder and other But good now}

Fish got me awesome chocolates 4 the holidays,!!!! they are delicious & i eat them every day!

Re awakened hobby is listening 2 the most Indoorcore music while outside & blue sky & sunny & good weather

Exec function coach asked me why i have never been 2 [i forgot th name] exposire something, she also recommend i go on swingw/ go to park or have Large Bodily Movements, like spinning 2 Make some issues better so im doing that 👍

But kidd are always on the swings, & i dont wanna b weird

I thinksomeone is smoking something like barbecue its strong from where im sitting

Heres photo of current playlist cause i downloaded new songs recently onto my phone !!! (I use nightcore studio to pirate everything)

Working more on Try ng breakcore i might insert whay im woring on,, BUT IM GONNA SWITCH THE SAMPLES I USED THEY ARE PLACEHOLDERS

working on making ai voice banks of lain (both jap + eng) !!!!!!! I loveve her english voice too, its so nice !!originally i wanted the utau bank (heres the video of download + phonemes, also internet archive)

- link - link

But this willb easier tho there's no tuning, cause im having trouble ripping her voice samples, people need 2 make scene packs ( i think they have those 4 edits it would make sense,loek on yt)

Its 2 much to download an entire lain ep, and cut out every part where she talks So this will be easier I spend a ton of time daydreaming too, whenever im not on a computer But not sure which is more unhealthy soo And its hard 2 daydream in public spaces

-

Thanksgiving yestrday, wont get into the family meetup as it qas. Bad! My family hets worse every year but its Ok! I drew this & played on the Crucifixion Jesus Sticker Piano

&Theres lots of yellihg arguing in morning, or what i was woken ip by,Cause we gor security cameras 4 the kids who disturb our house lat at night for months, but theres yelling cause its ij the wrong place or We dont wabt the camera or Cant see faces with it or Doorbell is un needed i dont even know!!!

outside is rainy purple drenched, purpleish whiet daisies dappling wet grass, all grey-white &cold rainy, delicious weather for snails & dew on grass &mud. spattered shoes&porches covered in water droplets&silvery snail trails tracing delicately thrpugh patios &clustersof drenched hedges dripping flowers and crows perched on stray fence posts

my other friend made a website!!!!

Pleasenfollow them!!!!1

meanwhile i have been writingthinsg,of people based on bugs, like Nematode worms, slaver ants& Tsetse fly +more, itst a fun story2 write

a. few things i wrote yesrday ab my day[not all. of it] "but anywas, some kid dthrew up chips and wter, [they were dumped int2 hs water bottle. and he didnt kno +was Very thirsty] jesus cxrixifixion in theology and i HAD TO LEAVE THE CLASSROOM SO BAD BUT SHE WOULDNY. LET ME, i can read bad stuff but Listening to. graphic descriptions is BadBad Bad !!1!! Jesus rose today ! Its my best class though I dont believe in god at all finally the bad stuff on baord. has stopped [nazi symbols, kkk hat wearing stfuf, n words slurs etc..] stopped appearing , thers still swastiaks in the bibles but ithink theyArnt new!! Anddd its late i should sleep...., Gematria is mildly interesting"

heres a photo during an eclipse day [ nnot of the eclipse but the sun] not surewha t else 2 write..ill update. later, really liking disposable girl by weevildoing recently. itd finally on spotify YIPPEE

Btw heres the photo of black widow, over half the photos i send myself dont go thriugh, so tehrs only 1 #Sorry!!AW MAN I HAD A CLOSE UP OF THE RED HOURGLASS...i. will fix it. later

not much for toda im working on art + made some Tiny Lore for a cgarcter i invente d5 second ago and will forget in 3 days

gonna publish when done shhhh

omg i found a COOL NERD FACT So the peacock butterfly's latin name is Inachis io right , i knew the last name was io bc of the greek myth & how the wings apparently look like a cows eyes (I hate tha myth & try not 2 think of it with the name!!!) but apparently Inachus [with a "u"] is io's mother's name in the greek myth. So thats a Cool fact.

other important/notable io:

- the planet, [a moon of jupiter]

- EYE-oh [i should note thats how im pronnouncin it not Eo which is more "correct" but i. hate it so im changing it. and i like the Eye part too.

- automeris io/io moth

- io = 10 = numbersr making up binary code

- iolathe [hwo could i forget this 1]

- iolanthe magnolia [iolanthe the play is Tbh super unimportant]

- basically every Creature with io in the name

- a TON of moths mainly in Lepidoptera

- plus all the isopods but not as importn cause io is semi-easy 2 find in latin names

(if u EVEN CARE...Bathygyge io, Brucerolis io,Pseudidothea io,Neastacilla io,Pleuroprion io)

heres some ebaby io moths!!! not my picture but i DO have a precious lovely io moth framed in my rroom and i Adore

MY COMPUTERS GONNA DIE HE CHARAGER ISNT WORKING heres art i rlly liekfrom recently,, i alrdy rendered on ibis and cleaned it so black and white but ill post o art page soonn!! goodNighty

YIPPEE we have a SHOPPING HAUL it was all 23$, from a Daiso that recetly opened near my house, usually they r like 40 min away but now i have a close one !!!!!

these r some store photos, i didnt take many bc i was Walking.

and heres what i bought

the usual san-x stickers, + a little twin stars keychain i wanted 4 a while to complete my collection of those (i have cinnamoroll, my melody, hello kitty)

some cute pearl stickers, and iridescent purple hearts (you cant really see the color well)

and some LOVELY YUMMY puffy stickers, + strawberry kneaded eraser w/sparkles(i have a chocolate one !!)

off topic but i needed a place 2 save this link, want 2 get into sigilkore or make some it sound GOODD https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cL9CVqnli0s

finally not sick took so long tjo, was out of school 4 ages.!>!>!

halloween dya was good, after i got really sick 4 some reason and couldnt move at all & Tbh im scared 4 whne i move out and im stuck like that casue no 1 can bring me medicine, ive been stuck home alone whne it happened b4 an it was NotGood! i was told 1 of the only ways to fix Mystery Chronic issues is quit gluten and dairy [supposed to work most cases] but i Dont Want To.

i wnt 2 someones house, and everyone was nice, i Am a literal poopoohead 4 making 2 sets of plans at once not knowing if i could keep w/either, and i feel bad but Tbh i would have been guilty either way, a car alarn went off when getting into the car nd stayed for so long

i had tge Worst oanic moment a few days ago i was Freaking out i was Wilding i was Aaaaaaa. first tme in so many months

im still COmputerbanned but i needed 2 updaet this

im still sick wwwaaaaa

made some more. midi. music recently, i was put on sterioid nd inhaler so im shaking tooo much 2 do alot now! i have 4 days of schoolwork to make up. im just Balling rn!!

this is what i did when i was sick but it was 5 days so not much i could do, i started on the 2nd day. i think, not much happens

here is some artwork, i have been using my new. sketchbook alot, plus recovered alot of old art& its up on. my art page! stupid sketch i did in the car today waiting 4 doctor 2 open or something. and the other is a zombie girl, i added another 1 but not shown in the photo, im 2 lazy 2 take another

oh i forgot i made this one on jspaint, i think the first day i was sick , stylus still broken somehow so with finger / trackpad

thats really all, bye for now

i wanna kms i am sicker than i have ever been almost i. cant stop feeling horrible and i want to die or be knocked out i cant stop and it hurts so much & ever1 is arguing & fighting!! god people ned 2 shut up / ok most people have. left the house & i. dont wanna keep ranting here but its Really Bad

its been like this 4 so long now my mouth feels like a waterfall faucet that wont shut off, a while ago i started feeling Sharper and Vision weird and im now realizing that was medicine making me weird, atleast i get something out of the hell

update 4 people who dont know me irl, i caught a black widow !!!! it was gorgeous and i took videos while ranting about it but i got too excited and called it a red widow (CRINGEFAIL) and also just kept saying "Omg its so prrtty so pretty" So that footage is kinda Busted also , cause i was really hellish sick during it

im def feeing weird right. now!!!! i found the spider on a school retreat i didnt want 2 go on, ill attach pictures of it, there were awesome cats and i took home a snakeskin i found near the black widow in my first few min on. the properyty. apparently they are Unusual or weird to find so im happy caus i felt like i am good at Bugs!! finding Bugs. i put a wolf spider and 2 craneflies in there to feel the widow. i picked all of them up except for the widow

eventually got home after taking half a pill thst was NOT enough 2 tide me over

Now im realizing the medicine i took Today pronbanly had caffiene in[so if i sound overly emoittional that is why, i get weird on caffiene esp when its in pain medicine, i dont react well or get overly passionate] i threw up , listening to void rn its such a pretty song

i will put images later, its 7:55 PM and once again i have spen tt the day Searchung browsing ....ok now I am scared again cayse some 1 said something a bit Bad, i hate when people are in bad moods, but anyways i was going 2 say i think no one needs 2 know lots of stuff, people should stop searching, the internet should not b read , dnt know nmore than u need to . No one needs to think or analzye anything , u can just throw. words around, mayb lack of empathy but in a search. 4 it, u find yourself less reactiev to strong material until you have effectively dissocuated yourself from everyday life, seeking stimulation through research of violence, and things ur head cannot manage or understand, trying to wrap ur brain 2 far aroun stuff u were never meant to read.

i got a Cool backpack i rly like!!! finally arrived ehres photos

hate school ! have 2 days detention starting tomorrow Also a 42 in one class but im Balling! i wanna draw more in js paint but i fot computer ban 4 a bit, im allowed rn tho 4 some reason, i have to finish this later to go somewhere bye

okim bacvk its 8:12, i have almost. totally abansoned substack on accident i will try to update within the next week ok.. heresa random art dump

AND one girl at school thgrew away a broken computer so NOW I HAVE A FREE COMPUTER YAYAYYYAY i left @ school after linberating from trash can so i can get. it when lessheavy [weighed backpack its over 15poind] now obv the computer is broke so either i fix it [i am a good Fixer but also great at Breaking things so Maybe it will balance out..and if not i can TAKE IT APART!!!AND SMASH TGE STYFF AND SEE WHATS TINSIDE Aaaa and look at th Shiny Bits and i loove touching the breadboards they feel so Tecxture

heres a banger cereal i had

decided im gonna totally remake the blog i tbh hate + want thumbnail images and this format just isnt doing it. why not start. fresh [UPDATE: ITS REDONE! UR LOOKING AT THE NEW FORMAT RN

- i had many. concerns about school but its fine! i had a little Minor Scuffle over a cd player but its all resolved. Bro couldnt punch 2 save his life

- i have friends ther Ok not special, [atleas tthe ones in my grade] JOHN THIS ISNT DIRECTED AT U, UR GREAT BTW [NOT THE JOHN IN MY GRADE HE SUCKS AF!!!] But old friend is still my Hashtag#1and anyways people in my grade ar High Key Stupid....like genuinely..

-luckily nothing Weird caused by understimulation,my fingers r alot worse but thats fine [i have to banddaid alot and they kind of look ifected during school LOL]

- Mildly Traumatic event wher a friend got bad injured and had bloody murder screaming [we have no nurse] [we were on second floor] [have to get down] [leg immobilized so she couldnt] i could hear her screming all thru class [the walls are thin] [we are in a church built no later than 1980s] [drywall. is foreign concept we have plastic dividers] it was terrifying and very upsetting Tbh

-joined minecraft server thats vru cool...stargting a melon empire

-on my 5th roach pickup if not more, i cant coount. yesterday i got a tiny cricket thing and named it melon & kept in empty tissue box the whole day.held him in hands during chapel :) surrounded by 2 bug enjoyng friends!!!! and thes older girls in the pews behind us, kept flicking / tugging our hair as a Joke and pretending they didnt!

So i turned around , baring my RoachCricketHybrid2000 and said "if u dont stop i will throw this at you! And i have very bad aim...Who knows where it might go" AND THEY MOVED FAR AWAY LOL IT WAS FUNNY

ading images 2morrow so its not plaintext dense wall blog. tired now its 9:08 byeebye

back into another hobby which is watching 3 episodes of a show and not finishing!!

theres some i actually would like to finish & i have thee time, but i dont feel like it. i started happy sugar life ages ago, i likes it to an extent but not motivated 2 finish. im just gonna list stuff ive started recently and what i like about it:

happy sugar life

-the parts when satou's vision goes weird crinkly red scribbles & underwater scream static noises

-the quote "love is something your heart feels by itself" #Iam14andthisisdeep #Eyeopening #Forrealtho

-I fogor!

school-live!

-only few episodes in, take this w grain of salt

-love the premise, i have alot of love 4 apocalypse situations/being the only person or few people left caus thats my greatest wish!!!b

-the delusion [recently ive had 2 stop consuming stuff w depiction of delusion especially religious, including a comic i Shouldnt enjoy but find quite interesting [G.E. by mcp iykyk] but this didnt really freak me out so its fine 4 now!

-love the absolut oblivion, love ethe zombies, LOVELOVELOEVVVV the having 2 live at school and board up walls with desks and chairs[when i imagine myself in apocalypse i always go 2 random stores and just live there and construct stuff out of furniture]

-character designs are nothing special, main character is good i guess

graviyt falls

background noise good

-slightly comforrting while drawing or doing something else

-watching it for the second time

PASWG

-finally finished it w/fish !!! it was pret goodd

-always forget how Insane it is

-overall neat. awesome character designs tho

--------------------------------------

decided im gonna totally remake the blog i tbh hate + want thumbnail images and this format just isnt doing it. why not start. fresh

- i had many. concerns about school but its fine! i had a little Minor Scuffle over a cd player but its all resolved. Bro couldnt punch 2 save his life

- i have friends ther Ok not special, [atleas tthe ones in my grade] JOHN THIS ISNT DIRECTED AT U, UR GREAT BTW . But old friend is still my Hashtag#1and anyways people in my grade ar High Key Stupid....like genuinely..

-luckily nothing Weird caused by understimulation,my fingers r alot worse but thats fine [i have to banddaid alot and they kind of look ifected during school LOL]

- Mildly Traumatic event wher a friend got bad injured and had bloody murder screaming [we have no nurse] [we were on second floor] [have to get down] [leg immobilized so she couldnt] i could hear her screming all thru class [the walls are thin] [we are in a church built no later than 1980s] [drywall. is foreign concept we have plastic dividers] it was terrifying and very upsetting Tbh

-joined minecraft server thats vru cool...stargting a melon empire

-on my 5th roach pickup if not more, i cant coount. yesterday i got a tiny cricket thing and named it melon & kept in empty tissue box the whole day.held him in hands during chapel :) surrounded by 2 bug enjoyng friends!!!! and thes older girls in the pews behind us, kept flicking / tugging our hair as a Joke and pretending they didnt!

So i turned around , baring my RoachCricketHybrid2000 and said "if u dont stop i will throw this at you! And i have very bad aim...Who knows where it might go" AND THEY MOVED FAR AWAY LOL IT WAS FUNNY

ading images 2morrow so its not plaintext dense wall blog. tired now its 9:08 byeebye

what ive beeen working on recently

Whoopsie..its been 2 months since i have posted. i wish i updatedd website more [if u follow it, u know i update very Alot, but not much is published...so i was thinking of adding a sitemap. i'll see if claude.ai can generate one . heres what i've been up to:

- posting on substack,like rlly inconsistent streams of nonsense and 1 short story

- finished a song, not very happy w/ it , i have all default beepbox instryments bc im tired of selecting them in garageband LOL, i think i used..ANRI. better at tuning ch/jp vocaloids to english

- visual novel which we all know i will not finish[im coding it and ai just Is Not Working great]

- i started a comic like yesterday... trying 2 keep it short so i dont get DEMOTIVATED

- and sketched 2pg of Another comic a while ago. havent rendered digitallt yet..someone pleas force me 2

- added an about me page on website.. and soon an Interests page that i Sincerely hope no one irl visits, but i think ill jhsut leave names outt for half the stuff because i want them 2 remain My Interests and 4 other people 2 Not Be Nosy [i am very nosy][Hippo Crate epic Moment]

- i wanna publish a small magazine Or like visual art thing in a pdf... Haha

- i want 2 play sengoku turb, it looks v cool.. i Love the GRAPGICS SO MUCH. THE SOUND TRACK IS SO SILLY, AND THE CATS ARE FUNNY WHEN THEY FLIP IN THE AIR IN THE INTRO SCENE but why do they scream like that!!! I LOVE.. god its so FUNNT and the SHEEP AND CATS i liek them and the DESIGNS. i want 2 make smth this good .... i like characters and plots with th most random stuff ever

- exploring church school banned Areas , theres an attic im trting 2 figure ou how 2 get in.

and i gues thats it, i borught Elon 2 school today, geres soem photos!!

in which i figure out 3d modelling in 1 day and become fixated on it

i've always wanted 2 try 3d modelling. i have Dabbled in tinkercad when necessary 4 school, but in terms of better software i couldnt even get past the blender donut tutorial. (i was like 12, if that) However on jul 18 i discovered blockbench. i dont remember how lol. it mostly looked 2 be used for minecraft mods which i have no interest in making, but what immediately hooked me was the low-poly simplicity. i got Right In To It and made these silly models!!

the person model was the first thing i made. i had a few issues with rotation points (sad to discover that while u can set limb rotation points for animation, u have to overwrite them all in favor of the center rotation if u wanna spin the character round without bits flying everywhere.

so yeah more than a bit scuffed, but it was fun for my first day! blockbench is awesome and in-browser which is useful cause im on a Differnt borrowed computer while my bricked mac is in yet another store. im working on modelling a full character wguch may have been 2 ambitious cause she has Lots of round and pointy bits and accessoire and an Isopod tail ish (She is Fish Themed) may leave it off might be too much. i also REALLY WANT to model an isopod. finally my eye has been twitching NONSTOP the past few days. thats so angry coded of me. bye ! :)

why i use a 2016 macbook + switch software and computers frequently

this is just an explanation of my bizarre technology "Choices" and why im writing this from a 2016 macbook air ( no monitor)

this is what it looks like for scale. less than ideas because i work with heavy programs daily, such as garageband, vocal synth programs, logic pro, heavy instrument packages/plugins/voicebanks, 3d programs, and minecraft. i also have to keep a bunch of windows opn with 40 or more tabs each

i usually use a macbook pro (I have been told this is disgraceful but idont haev any other choice of computer. i also play minecraft on it. heres a ref image

so how did i completely brick this macbook and rack up $450 in repairs?

i am a huge supporter of torrenting and pirating stuff especially from big corporations and for ppl who can't afford it. i will only pay for small artist stuff. Basically i got tired of only using the voicebank Ealanor Forte on synthv , figured out about Rutracker and decided to pirate the entire vocaloid program including Every Single Compatible Voice Bank In Existence.

so i downloaded the torrent and got everything set up for my Very First torrenting experience!

all was going well. it had taken like four days of loading time because it was a Massive file--over 100GB. i checked to make sure i had enough storage. i even went through every single voice banks' demo videos and deleted the nasty sounding ones.

the file downloaded sometime at night. in the morning i got up to find the computer restarting and Later realized it would not fully restart. cue me going to multiple tech stores, finding one where they had it for 2 weeks and did nothing, paying for empty consultations etc.

So what happened was that Apparently, you are not supposed to fill a Mac until it has5GB left over. No one informed me of this and it was not made clear at all. I should have had double the amount of storage as the file i wanted to download.

So now im hoping i dont have to spend 450 on file recovery. all of my songs and music were on there (not counting plugins, instruments, stuff i paid for, every other file i had) All i care abt are the music files which aren't worth 450.

In conclusion,you. shoyld pay me money so i can Recover my files Juts kidding But while i wait im just looking 4 random jobs liek editing videos websites idk in the meantime in case i do have 2 buy it!

datamoshing tutorial + how 2 use in art, gliching videography

Datamoshing [images in particular] is an underexplored art form i only see in videos. there are plenty of useful tutorials on it but not enough for just images, so here is how i datamosh. Fun fact sometimes it doesnt work and i hve no idea why!!! This is also Just for mac i have no idea if these work for other programs but if u have windows ur in luck cause the programs are much better so no need 2 download parallel or whatever its nto worth it.

Bonus points if you write poetry or stuff into the image and no one finds it But be warned if u screw up the right side too much all bets are off u never know if the image will even be an image at all.

first: Download hex fiend at hexfiend.com

Gr8 job. Now open it. drag your image into it.a bunch of Letters and Stuff will appear.

and change stuff in the ← ← LEFT!!! box Or, the right one, u can write stuff in. like poems etc Which is. what i like 2 do. experiment with writing to see what glich effects it creates. also try copying text already in there, pasting it elsewhere,deleting and replacing bits etc.

Now, copy everything in the hex (←LEFT) box. go to this website: https://tomeko.net/online_tools/hex_to_file.php?lang=en

paste them into this box as shown

then go down a bit,name the file what uwant (Make sure it ends with .dat) and click CONVERT.

Now download it. go to this website : reaconverter

and drag yr image to where it sats +add dat files

and select the image type u want converted,png jpeg etc. Then click convert! if it doesnt work try switching what file ur converting to.

download the result

Enjoy