_GOOD LUCK READING THIS FONT.MP4

>i have taken 2 much mesdicine and thats the only thing wrong thats physicl rn i have been in Pain for too many days now and nothing helps i wish i had atleast taken enough meds 2 get a fun effect like going 2 bed or feeling crazy and funny Because i enjoy that and would distract me. nerve pain is a killer but im glad something is wrong Physiclaly because i fkicgn hate talking abt in the head stuff all i have are the same old addictions same old people who didnt mean 2 abuse me U kno how it is/But seriously this is the most god awful embarassing thing ever!!!So ill make it all quiet and pale and unreadable and whoever gets past that Idc at that point. And ill try2start this off with more Gentle content just random things but for nowImm tired of being in pain im so so so tired i have taken so many pills nothing helps im just sick. I like being in control of that stuff I dont like being forced to do anytging. The good think about being sick is im alot more in control of my enviorment and i get to be more picky without seeming completely Bad! i cant explain how i NEED doors to be closed and i Need to Only go outside when my Brain allow and how I Need to be in and out of places on My time and how i cant be in public for long or smell food or eat when i Cant Eat or go on walks! But whn im sick its easier to explain to people with different brains. ...Like just say "Im sick" Magic words Miracle workers. I always loved being sick physically becaue i have control and dont seem complrte freakish about some stuff but other things i cant control. on vacation and i get to stay in the hotel room all day and not go out for dinner which is a Big Nono! also i couldnt move my leg for like 5 minutes it was so scary like the nerves just stopped working. almost forgot 2 mention the altitude sickness nonstop but the nerve pain has been so bad and consistent it distrcted me from everythng else/ / /

Also A long time ago i realized the reason why i don't have meltdowns is because im so careful about avoiding stuff 1 time i had a minor meltdown in the Living Room and of course was punished 4 it but the problem is i have tolerated so much and been so careful to avoid my family as much as possible that they dont know how hard it is for me So when i Express being upset it doesnt show all the times i restrained myself. But i think i do a good job. If i do say so myself! 4 Me a meltdown is just I really have to scream or repeat the same word over and over lik STOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOPSTOP and It feels like an agressiev brain stutter like im glicthing on loop and i kick my feet a ton or rock or HIT STUFF OEVER AD OVER BANG BANG something weird af I have Control over my limbs good so mostly i just repeat words which is better than risking being called Retarded/Autistic as an insult. Like Plase Stfu nd if u think i actually have autism say it to my psychiartrist not me! This 1 time for a school advisory meetup I think 5th grade. i knew no one at all and it was at a starbucks and I even said stuff to people but it was so god awful and i sat in the corner of the table staring at a box that was away from people's heads general direction and i drank a water. And i kept asking my mom 2 leave and she said no And when we left she lectured me on How to not display Retarded Autistic Mentally Handicapped Freakish Social Behavior and how to Interact with people Normally and how i Did the opposite. If im gonna be called all that for something as simple as looking away from people. i might as well just go all in and wave my hands back&forth wbenever i want to And whatever else i feel like. Retard and Special have been insults since 2nd grade. Whenever i cried because i couldnt do homework ans shit I woud get threatened with being sent to a "Special School" one where they Check For Guns etc. looking back lamest af threat but i was like seven!!!!! and the fact that every symptom i had got dismissed on a phone call between her and My Step Grandmother because "I HAD NEAT HANDWRITING" Is pretty stupid and i kinda wish they had put me in a special school I am very special and Awesome!!! I am just a Special Little Girl. Now give me schoolwork i can manage without crying and wanting 2 end. i was in second grade :)

Touch Tone

last few years i had alot of trouble with being touched I have made progress with some people and im doing very good :) Esp close friends!! So this is kind of a progress report! Last time i wrote a progress report it made me feel Nasty cause the writin deteriorated into gorss shti but Anyways,,,,1 time in art someone touched my back and My Back was Cold and i got so nauseated. Like freezing Chilly Coldcore and I got so sick. At school i absolutely Love and adore every1 who Took the hint and did not touch me and that made me want 2 cry With Happiness ! But now im ok so no one should feel bad! Being touched sometimes makes me feel like Brown. Like gross and bad not nasty exactly but just Uncomfortable Bad! only with people i dont know and stuff again i usually nevr have bad reactions most i do is shiver And not for my friends Which im so glad bc it was kind of an Unfortunat barrier to have... I was actually like touch starved b4 Which is a Silly combo to hvae but Were Good now. I dont remember any more stories so let me dig through Penzu a bit. Edit from later Nvm penzu is an absolute nightmar Byebye

test

So im on a plane in between 2 people i dont know. I need medicine really bad but i cant get to it because family is spread out away from me. I only had 1 tylenol today idk how i survived but we had 2 but ton more advil and who knows what else in the morning. The way here was absolute nightmare everyone was Mad becaues my mom spent over 30 extra minutes shopping and i begged my dad 2 text her but he refused and then just screamed and got mad even though its his fault, if i was on equal footing as tall as him i would have talked back more. So we ran to our flight almost missed but we didnt. The veins on my hands r standing out weirdly idk if smth is wrong and i cnat see what im typing since i dont want the people around me to see. I didnt know youo could order alcohol on a pplane. Anyways i need medicine im gonna die out here i hurt so much i am tired of nerve pain im really sick of it u know!!theres kinds screaming and i want 2 kill them. My computer isnt close 2 being fixed at all and im still in a surreal amount of Sickness. It scares me because isometimes i cnat feel it at all then i realize its hurt the whole time and i have just not realized or something went wrong, im excited 2 meet up with friend tomorrow i need to escape out i dont want to go home because my parents will try and apologize. I dont want meaningless apologies they are worth as much as horse sh#@ to me because its just words and never shows as actions or whatever i dont wanna sound like a preacher and i want this to end

Sick sick sick sick

deleted what i wrote here because it made me feel really gross again so ill just put these splitter gir lyrics (SORRY) because i just reread the fulllyrics all laid out and Jesus. This part hit me In the Face!. "(bloody feet across the floor) (no one there to clean the stains) (never got to be adored) (no one there to ease the pain) (nobody to kiss it better) (laughed at for all the scars) (abusive misuse of a child) (guess that must've been the cause) Now i'm bitter, now i'm better, angry but i know the truth You all hurt me, you all hate me, this is what you made me do" also "Round the corner acting normalScary how they don't see it Ain't it strange, it feels like yesterday, that i was just a kid" i desperately need to make good music thats the only way i can feel good. i need my computer back so bad and i need those stupid voice banks so much. shopping list includes my fuck1ng macbook, Cvs boxcutter Which i wil be getting tomorrow, haha i wihh i coudl talk about it. Goodnight

overstimulated

wed 710 pm 2023. bro istg poeple Have 2 shut up and stop talkig 2 each other. everyone should quit talking forever especiall to each other because there are now TWO STREAMS OF USELESS BANTER PLEASE ITS SO GOD AWFUL! Luckily i was allowed to go into my room ! Unusual but yay :) today i was lying in bed and my brother was kicking his feet on his floor [different room] and i could feel the vibrations Shaking the bed i was on ad it made me SOSOSOSOO MAD That is one of my Main annoyances when im on a bed and someone shakes it or makes it move in any way My Body Is Filed With Rage And Disgust. Also yestrdya someone kept patting my back over and over and it felt So Bad. Luckily they stopped when asked :) #Win And final complaint is Raised Scars. They feel absolutely nasty like Leather on ur skin #Never Again actaully dont its so gross.btw i was scrolling today and i saw this doughnut image that made te AutoFrown on my face just Dissapear magic. here u go

Preylike-animal

thursday jul 20 2023. ok im ok just horribly frightened sometimes im like an Animal tahts small and shaking and The Person are Bigger animals that flush me out of my Hole and make mem want 2 die(Parnet) But now i am safe and also i have dermatillomania Just realized lik a few days ago but also ages ago and forgot, liek Definately. i am a very compulsive person whn it comes to that stuff its pretty weird, like i have to scratch my scalp for ages sometimes and i cant tsop until everything falls out which it doesnt but its defo not bad bu imNot Allowed 2 do it becaues its "WEIRD AND GROSS" Yes ok but i cant stop anywasy. Anyways i am [safe] for now just within brackets. Oh and one of the oldest sensations i remember is when i lie down to sleep there is the feeling of bugs tiny pinprocks crawling all over me and its uncomfortable the onl way 2 stop is applying pressure. thats why i hav troube sleeping sometimes. I think chronic stomach pain is maikng a bit of a return for the past few days, all rndom like abdomen occasional stabs etc. but manageable. i have stopped asking 4 medicine btw beetle th mouse died few days ago randomly no idea why. she was ok but she just keeled over dead like ntohing wrong. i think being inbred is a shock tragedy thats underused and people dont talk about "gross" "impure unclean" problems enough, you can get recogniiton 4 other issues but as soon as its somethng "dosgusting" and Shunned then u are expected 2 never mention it . i guess that means stuff lik not beig able to take care of yourself and the bare minimum being Am i alive nit in a hosputal Am i able to get out of bed Am i able to move my body 2 reach medicine when im home alone and in pain" but also shit like that and people expect u 2 shower and stuff. 4 Some people the bare minimum is staying alive and thats more important than keeping yourself clean. its hard but thats what it is sometimes, I love it when mental illness is in depth explored in media so that you can see 1.How it affects the person 2.How they react to Casual/normal stimuli 3.Bare minimum 4.Daily life and more. No Longer Human reminded me of being inbred a bit. but i think the more in-depth is Almost Human. what a title You are ALMOST HUMAN, its unreal. No longer human is still good tho but it implies being human once. both of them are beautiful and i think the concept of defining humans is very interesting. worth being obsessed with

luckily im less obsessed with th person i found a while ago which is good! i have 2 stop bringing up "last time" No one i know who knew the 1st perosn would even get it Sadly

same day differnt evik

i am so scared for next year. i have been given nothing to prepare with for this new school. i dont even know what it looks like. it was destroyed in a tornado so its currently in some freakish church. its in an evil place and tge PEOPLE ARE PROBABLY EVIL DO YOU GET IT TEY PROBABLY WANT 2 KILL ME BUT IM GONNA PULL THROUHJ OKAY!!! i have 2 fkcug safeguard myself i have to Bar Myself off leaving is draining. idk what to expect or how Evil people will be there but if theres another Person liek that then i might just die. i need to pull through im so close to this all ending so i cna get a job and live on my own. i need to survive at that school with no computer usage. 4 more yrs Or 3? i think. which is unliekly cause how often i switch schools. if i dont get attached 2 thta school then i can switch easy, i never have trouble new faces i dont remember U know how it is! i hate 2 tell people how easy it is 2 forget them And emotional dissociation is weird to have as a constant U know! like just always

How do souls work okok im trying to think And schizoid/Adjacemt behavior feels alot like th e book No Longer Human I dont Know what to write And that would make lots of sense if i was but being diagnosed is pointless and telling ab things Are just stories & WIll not [U can lead horse 2 water but cnat make it drink'] Similar expression, also Alice and Wonderland how everything she saya is in these 'quotes' and italicize Just like thoughts, just like my own words!!I !love seeing Images of peop;e who look Lik me Its so cool 2 see in casual / I want 2 write in the thing that mara writes in its a good format The website/ i ont think any1 would subscrib or whatever bt it doesnt cost so Maybe!I dnt have anythng 2 say tho except for Wow Chase Atlantic is ok!!Sewers i lovelove!I have tendencies leaning towards /OKOKOK I READ AB TGIS EARLIER THAT WHAT CHARACTERIZES AND SEPARATES Schizoid/similr is a Non-disconnet from reality "autistic behavior" Minus te loss of RATIONAL thinking Ao thats why is not close 2 Schizophrenic or anything Tho idk why it shares the same root word , i think roots are interesting lik i can usually knwo what stuf mean s or on different languages If they share roots ,,,, I dont have any disordered thinking Just those experiences Disoredr of Outside)> affects inner but does it change that stuff does it count, Worth asking . I wnana try drawing nets uhhh

august 4

i dont think i react normal 2 bad News ad i dont feel guilty i JUST DONT GET HOW OTHER PEOLPE FEEL GUILTY!! Wthr that maeks me a bad person is objective I think it doeant [literally] Like isnt it evil to say tht if people close to you died you wouldny geel bad? I guess it has to happen first, but i have left peop;e plenty of times b4 and its fine so Idk, death is like being in the next room I like that quoet , Death is like being carried asleep into the next room, at a party you can still hear the voices From the other side but that is getting carried away, idk i dont feek very sad, im not sad when my pets die at all. My brain just says Ok and thats it, the only thing i would even get upset about is kinda liek "Whats every1 crying about thats crazyish" and idk how 2 comfort people when stuff dies, death is like just the absence of a person, which is a change from more controlled paths [removal = teh space aronud must fill ] so that is movement , but also its another complex variable deleted,

august 6

i honestly hate feeling insane or delusional in my mind its the oppositw of purity I HATE DELUSION and i hat efeeling delusional !!! i haet everything ab it, I guess partially bc personal experience [with being labelled as such Technically] but thats in the past. also idk why but none of my friends parents have liked me, i am not upset at all its just a little Confusing i think! like i wanna kno why! with the 1st one they woudlnt evn let me near or in his house [despite my house being on top of his #Neighbormoment] nad the one rn just thinks im insane! Again i view this differently[the comments] from actual Delusion [me feeling delusional]

and delirious and dissociation are totally separate!

delirious is when im on a football field in P.E. and its so hot im going mental can barely think function everythings blue swimmy crayz my head is bad. dissociation i have only experienced inside of Targets [kind of funny?] and big stores with fluorescent lighting. I did go insan, now that im thinking ab it [not dissociat tho] in the science lab and the french room , only science has fluorescent lighs so i did actually end up sharp mechanical metal pencilling myself during a test randomly, thats why i like my Dark grey sweater so much,, but french was worse, i had to sit on my hands a few classes it was crazy,

right dissociation in a target is when im like Oh! and i talk alot less and sorta shut down [i would say this is only overstimulation except:] i feel like my head is floating away a little bit and voices are like Hhhhhshhhdfjs and oh its so weird i cant describe it. like dreamlike exhaustion mixedwith delirion [is that a word..]

i hate using all the nasty words to describe experiences/me but Oh well i gues it does the job

and dont worry i dont mind going to stores with people if i start slurring my words u kno why, dont feel bad tho also i get mad real quick and may be rude on accident

came here to ahh analyze pyrite girl lyrics

WHAT IM TRYAN SAY IS... I DONT WANNA SEEM DELUSIONAL I SWEAR IM NOT. i dont have strong opinions and i have 0 delusions I Know and i Swear. if i say amnything that sseems off, most of my thoughts are like "thought experiements" that i Indulge in, like my stair theory is fun 2 believe but i dont genuinelt, and my Girl/concept essay [unpublished rn] isnt weird ? im not delusional ab girls being concepts or wanting 2 be a girl IN THE WAY OF FEMALE AS CONCEPTUAL PERSONIFICATION [ill explain l8r on blog]

ok here we go pyrit girl lyrics

september 4

idc who. reads thsi, anymore, i wish i could put peop;le in my skin for atleast 10 min cause then they would be liek Oh, Ok. and i could. do stuff that seems weird / friend making me upset 4 her and i dont want amything bad to happen to her / i am upset for the first time in months [not the nervous kidn but thats just mixed in so] im gonna draw Creatures until i feel better / i wish i was the only person i cant let myself think ab it 4 too long or i will explode. i want to be alone so bad. i want to not know any1. i have fun with friends , dont get me wrong but very few of them. i really reall ywish i had no people to interact with all day. i wish i was alone in a small box with blankets. that is my strngest desire in the world i think,2 be alone completelt. i hate having other people around me. i hate havin tto learn the most painfyl interactions just 2 have a day to day life normal, its. not normal 4 me to deal with this. i think its a little funny taht i dont have an eating. disoreder bc i coincidentially have many othr thinsg that could mak eppl think that ? [if i told them] but i literally dont and ive nevr been insecure b4. [its just random stuff like getting god-awful sick at smelling food & eating food when i am in higher dperessive episodes] i just have to scrape my skin off an i fel like theres bugs under there!!!!!!God help me and i read. smt about being suspcicious tat non chronic pain ppl are always normally at 0 level of pain like 'r u sure??' 'not even a 1?' and im always a baseline fo something,i wish i could stop feeling my skin,

i still have homework. this is so 5th grade reminiscent, me being scared my parents r gona get mad at me and having homework and venting ab soemthing random.

september 14

goddamn do i really have to explain shit 2 people who think they can make me good at anything schooll related, im so sick of it i Really am sick & tired, i cant even talk about it anymore, i have seen the same pattern so many times and people dont listen and act shocked when what i said happens [then blame it on me having a Mindset Problem] some adults are really fucking stupid, do i really need another diagnosis to add to the list, are the ones i have already not enough im sick of this im so so so tired i cnt even explain it i just want to shoot people tbh, every day without my therapist is a godsend and getting help for stuff makes me want 2 kms, explaining this doesnt get me anywhere either because everyone knows better than i do & Everyone is more educated on Me apparently. I cannot make descisions for myself, I cannot function by myself, I dont know whats going to happen, 'The reason my predictions i will do badly come true is. because i have a mindset problem' etc this is why i dont want to ever see another person again, i just wanna be in a cement hole anf no one else on earth 4ever, i dont want to talk to people and i want to be on my own, everything would be fixed if i. was the only person #Begging 4 this #My wish when i blow out candles And when i see shooting stars and any. other time

september 21

ermm Content Warning cause this is kinda more graphic than other tsuff [not super but still]

working on anotehr song and i like so far.i am so unsatisfied its like sometimes scissors work but rarely ever, a few days ago peopel brought put this Very Specific Pair i could describe every detailfrom memory cause u remeebr that stuff. [it was hidden for over a year now] and i swear as soona s i saw it a primal part of my brain was switched on / u know in a videogame when u click a point and ur. charactr has 2 go there? and nothing on earth could stop it from follwing the path u just laid out so you can see it and everythg ahead / thats what it was like, my brain just Something happened / and everyoenn left nf i could barely stop from actually Vibrating out of my onw skin holy shit i was very much alive and brain switched on flood w sharpsilver light And it felt like a ritual when i did / but it was terribly unsatisfying and left me worse and flat emptyish and everything s alrdy fading [evn tho atleast 100 tries ive tried countting after but its not very idk Useful or easy] but i dont want something 4Ever permanent cause the texture is VILE DISGUSTING LEATHERY THROW UP BARF!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!11!!!!11!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1!!!!!!1!1!!1 BUT FORREAL WHY DEOSNT IT EVER WORK .the worst time was a complete accidnettt caus i didnt want to attend a school event so i said i was sick but after, i really WAS sick cause i was shaking alot but i felt No Pain Whatsoever [???] so i gto to stay home Yippee. anywasy i have no good bandaids, tehrs my Emergency Rations but they suck & falloff easily , i woud go 2 buy more if i didnt feel highly unmotiavated / ANYWAYS IHAVE TO STEAL THOSE SCISSOR DMY LIFE REVOLVES AROUND THOSE ETHINGS IF I DNO HAVE THEM GOD IDK WHAT IM GONNA DO!!!!!but also if i cant make them work....And the scisors r my lifeline i feel Physically tied & not knowing whre they werr 4 so long really got 2 me all those nights i woudl like Randomly stunble around my room searching thru all my stuff half delirious knowing it wasnt there but anythinng was good enough except there was nothing, but i kept looking] AND NOW I KNOW WHERE THE ARE Almostlike love 4 an object , very un-peaceful / unmoderation principle but WHATEVR

school isnt as bad as i thoughtt but weird i fought some1 2day lik physical [and yesterday too, same person] but its ok im not mad , i like being unmad and AtPeace u know... just not feelingthe mad now [or ever]

want to meet up with friend more [CRYINGEMOJI] Hopefully this weekend + i wanna release a song + i wondwr how next summer is gonna go + almost winter +. i feel so neutral + bfrd got p baad recently but Now better recently

had a weird dream ill just copy+ paset hwat i sent my friend [yet another dream of me going insane and crawling around my floor w shock and horror screaming and crying and banging my head + body around and curling up and writthing]

"basically my mom gave me a paper (newspaper clipping) that said my old phone had ended up in Iceland with rhis rlly old Grandma Woman who was showinv it to her younv child like wow look at photos!! And yhen water and electricity was involved and the woman DIED SOMEHOW. ansb her body was dragged behind a bush and Erm Brutalized 👹👹👹ans i was like OMG I KILLED SOMEONE IM NEVER GONNA RECOVER and wtarted hystericallu Crying and Screaming and in my room i like crawled on the floor and banged my head agaonst random objects and kind of Flopped and Writhed around in general And i hsd all these major moral realizations about me killing someone and how it affected me idk"

september 25 , 8:48pm

yipee anothr content warning 4 prettygraphic

i mss up but its fixeed thank god [toilet clogged w bloody tissues but i Fix!] and hand & blade were completely COVERED w blood and i got a bit on atowel but hopefully not tnoticeablle. i washed everytthing off hands and such. very dissatisfied w stuff recently but 2day actually did some damage , jus a small bit but im glad i can now

stuff around me is breaking or im breaking it, lightts in our house flicker badly just subtle enough 2 feel weird and not know why, at school the lights completely flicker crazily and i have 2 shut eyes 4 ages or crouch in a spare room and a friend got injured @ school, on the second floor and we have no nurse, so through class there was brutal bloody screaming and it really hurt 2 hear alot, it was primal screaming in pain i look at something that reminds me of. u, i see through ur eyes, feel weird, know you must haveseen the same but how ? & the lights continue to flash disrupting steady. flow of consciousness , more choppy and unfiltered i listen to veyr old music, brings. backnothing violent dreams, i skipped out on a pill for 2 days, felt constant exhaustion absolute weight, couldnt really function normally, couldnt talk normally i was fine b4 i started taking it but maybe it wont. b fine if i stop, so i have 2 keep going , maybe it made this problem but theres no end (kindof like one late night --> caffiene --> endless loop for life --> destroy brain shorten everything slow down increase. repeat) oh ana. , the. song

oct 2 , 8:39pm

feel kinda Poopoo rn evry1inhouse. is sick imnot supposed 2. computer, im feeling rl weird and Like the color. Darkish brownish red just geenral dark color buton the reddish. side, but not. 4. reason just a feeling, & my parent did smth i DidNot. Like i think 2-3 daya. ago i alrdy ranted about it 2 friend so i dont feel like retalkinh about. it, got detentions Yippee moment, i. feel weird and just generl floating disconnection discontent i dont have any good tools caus i read some1 alwys used dull stuff & first time sharp was rly unusual 2 them, i wish that. 4 me ,, ev the

oct 12 , 11:44pm

i dont want my bes friend 2 kill herself, my head is pounding and im sick , my legs hurt oa fucking bad i csnt walk , i feel fucking messed up & i dont want any1 to die, and i need a break, yesterfady was a fever dream and my head hurts stabbng brain feeling, i forgot to talk about the pharmacy messing up my pilsl but they did a few days or week agop they put 6 random pills into my notrmal medicine, absolutely dropped my blood sugar so low i felt fuckinh asleep dead awake it was insane i remember saying i felt drugged b4 school it was wild, but that was fixed, i hope no one dies, i dont know what i would do if someone died but i dont want to find out & i dunno how i would b able 2 function but its not about me, i just hppe nothinh happens, i font kno how 2 fix people & i cant. fix any1 else , my head feels better now. i dont know whast happened to my legs but soemthng id do wrong, i know it has nothing 2 do with the black widow from yestday i didnt touch it, and i read about sympotms and im not paranoid sny more + recovering from paranoia in general !a21!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111 i dont wan any of my friendd 2 die , i was envisioning haning myself on the bed thing early early this morning first thing, like first waking thought [i didnt wsant to i wad just thinking] and it hurs me 2 gthink of soemon else doing that, then i was thinking about te logan paul video i saw and dying looks scary so i dont wnqt 2 die or anyone else. if i think of it an more than surface level im gonna hav abad day so im expelling evrything bad early before i can mess anything up. i just cant wait to move out of the house

oct 12 , 12:09pm

feeling better mentally, feellike a loser strugglimg to get up the stairs and my whole body shaking while i eat food, i know my body is gonna give out some day. i dont know when but i know eventually its gonna give up & tehres nothing i can do, its just going 2 happen. i hope my friend is all right i dont know if she has messaged me in a while.

oct 28 , 11:07pm

Helphelpgelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelphelp

oct 28 , 11:07pm

turning the font. white so i dont have toread, im starting to. really really hate him, if i was my brother i think i would completely. despise him, he treats my. brother bad but i dont feel. remorse, his. favoritetarget for everything is my brother, always pushing always pushing him, not physically, i hate it all., i. hate teh fucking arguments he causes EVERY DAY. I HATE FUCKING HEARING HIS VOICE AND I HATE THE WAY HIS EYES LOOK WHEN HES MAD LIKE THEY ARE HUGE ORBS BURSTING OUT OF HIS SKULL. he has massive massive eyes that see so little and he is so blind and so unaware of himself. everyone knows it and everyone talks about him behind his back. i cant wait to escape gthis house forever ill never look back. i hate the way he gets mad at anyone and everyone for being sick. this house is fucking cursed and he knows it. im not joking either, theres something, theres some mold or permanent mildew in the air, theres something in the walls that causes all of us to be sick. i know there is, theres solid proof, my mom knows somethigns wrong with this house too. [besides the obvious its too small and when people argue i cant fucking stand it i can hear his stupid voice from every room dripping with stupidity unawareness absolutely bursting like fat worms from mouths barely choking on spit ] and everyone is always sick. my brother gets sick every few weeks, enough so he has to do summer school every year, enough so he needs extra help. i get sick so much im always sick. my mom is always sick, not as much as us, she does everythng and he doesnt notice. i hate waking up in the morning to his voice. i hate how he is slipping. i hate how hes gettinng older and worse the older he gets. i hate how my parents are so old and it makes me want to cry. i hate how they arent like my friends parents. i hate how i dont feel like i love them and i hate when he tries to apologize and doesnt mean it. if i was no equal footing id be honest. every day theres a new nasty weird thing he does that i have to tell mom about. every day he does something FUCKING WEIRD OR BAD that we can laugh at by ourselves, but deep down ITS NOT FUNNY AT ALL, ITS SO NOT FUNNY BECAUSE I LIVE WITH HIM AND HES THERE EVERY DAY IN THE MORNING AT NIGHT . AT THE START OF THE DYA HE YELLS AT MY BROTHER i am Genuinely developing an aversion to noises now because of him . he says that "hes not yelling, its just how a mans vooice sounds." hes not being agressive, its how a mans voice sounds. if thats the case then i never want to be around another man again because if that isnt an angry voice, im living an absolute lie. i hate how my parents argue over nothing. i fucking hate nuclear families . i wish my parents were like some of my friends parents. i wish my dad would get over himself. i wish things were different . every time i hear people arguing i want tonscream so loud the air is cluttered people are SO FUCKING BAD AT COMMUNICATING IN THIS HOUSE ITS GENUINELY INSANE HOW PEOPLE CA EVEN COMMUNICATE. And my dad is yelling right now at my brother, just proving my point. screaming at him for being sick that he should get in bed snd stop making people feel sorry or something i dont care. people are so frusturating i hat ebecing around people i hate tbeing around these people i hate old people i hate old people i hate old people they are never nnice they are never good they are the worst kinds of people i dont care if thats rude, they never. can comprehend anything nnew, theyaer the most blind people you will ever meet, stuck in the mud and proud of it disgustingly so, me who think they are funnnny whe they r fucking loserrs, me.n who act like children, fathers who dont deserve to be so because they cant give their kids food, i wouldnt get food if it wasnt for her, he just. gets mad every time i ask like its a chore, i dont end up asking usually because i forget so its better that. way. . i wish this house wasnt rotting and killing all of. us . every one of us has some sort of lung diseaes or lung problem. i hate having chronic pains and i. hate. her. reactions to my pain. i hate everything. and. im sick and tired of the people i live with not listening to me

Ok this has happened where my dad like Strongly Grips either of our necks or skkething but he kinda choked my brother & he couldnt breathe and his neck is gonna bruise and he couldnt breathe and i had to wattch And i saw it and my headphones were on and i recorded most of the audio but he wss veyr Mad!!and we sre both sfraid but hes always worse to my brother so i am pretty safe and we are In The Woods, Ok bye i need to hrlp kind of emergency